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This thing we do • View topic - Childhood issues

Childhood issues

feminist? Christian? Pagan? Athiest? Loving partner? Adult?...

if you let someone discipline you?

Well, I know that we *are* all of those things, or whatever else we define ourselves to be. But sometimes, we just need to check in with other people, and be reminded that we're not doing something bad or wrong.

Childhood issues

Postby Rose » Wed Oct 31, 2007 12:17 pm

Before I get to the ugly stuff... hooray! Now all of the sections have at least one post! I know it probably seems crazy to you all, but that makes me feel better...

Ok, now the ugly...

So here is the thing - a little while ago, JigsawAnalogy said something that made a lot of sense to me about feeling safe enough now that old issues are being pushed into her consciousness to be dealt with, making her worse instead of better... (Did I understand that right, JA?)

Anyway, that was a bit of a welcome revelation for me. For the first time in my life, I have a semblance of stability. My husband is wonderful to me, and takes care of me in ways that I've never been taken care of before. You'd think I'd be breathing a sigh of relief and relaxing into a much better existence. Perhaps I am, but it is one ugly sigh that is happening...

The thing is that I know that for whatever reason, I need this kind of structure in my life. On top of that, I'm a lifelong spanko. Now, I can understand and deal with the fact that we use spankings for sexual purposes. I can understand and deal with the fact that we use spankings for discipline. It is the fact that we do both that is causing the issue for me.

Let me explain a few things... I trust my husband completely. I don't question that trust in the least. Yet, when it comes time to be punished (which is fortunately rare), I experience a genuine terror. I'm not totally sure of the reason why. I'm not afraid of him hurting me at all. Even in the midst of the terror I know that. I do have huge insecurity about being unlovable and having him give up on me because I broke a rule. But even that doesn't explain the extremity of the terror. But JA's comment made sense to me, and helped me to (perhaps) understand this better.

I am a survivor of extreme, long-term sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. My childhood was a disaster. At the time, I couldn't afford the vulnerability of fear, insecurity, crying, making mistakes, etc. I couldn't have survived if I allowed any of those things to come to the surface. So I worked myself into physical illness making sure I didn't let any of those things happen. I suspect what is happening now is that I finally have a safe place to express all of those things which are still buried inside of me. It is a scary process and I hate it. I have no idea how long it will take, or how deep this well of ugliness goes.

It makes me worry about a number of things. First and foremost, my husband doesn't deserve to have to deal with the after-effects of my crazy childhood. He signed on for an adult marriage. He has never abused me in any way. So he shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of other people's abuse. But he is dealing with them anyway, and even though he swears that he does it gladly because he loves me, I worry about what it does to him.

But a bit touchier than that is the complications of being both a sexual spanko and being disciplined with spanking. I am squicked (to put it mildly) by any suggestion of age inappropriateness in a relationship. I avoid reading about ageplay at all costs as it brings up associations of my childhood abuse. (I'm not judging ageplayers at all, I'm just saying that because of my history, I am unable to deal with it.) This includes the common spanko role-playing of schoolgirl/instructor and other things like that. I have a very narrow range of fantasy relationships that I can handle. The characters in the role play must both be adults, both physically and emotionally - husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. Anything between an adult and a child (parent/child, student/teacher), or even between two children, makes me physically ill.

My husband and I never role play. He is my ultimate fantasy, so the role playing just isn't necessary for me. But when he disciplines me, there are frequently emotional age issues that come into play. When I experience this terror that I talked about, it is as if I am emotionally ten-years-old again (when the most severe abuse started). I still think of him as my husband at these times, but I am experiencing the same sense of powerlessness that I did at age ten. So I end up in a very uncomfortable position... I am with my husband with whom I am sexually attracted and sexually active, and yet (though we are not doing anything sexual at the time), I am emotionally ten-years-old.

Now, on the one hand, I think that this experience is a good thing... I am safe, and I'm in a position to process all of the ugliness that has been trapped inside me. I'm hoping to be able to do it, get it over with, and be able to move on to a healthier stage in life. But in the mean time, I'm stuck in this gray area somewhere between the reality of an age-appropriate spousal relationship, and the ghost of a completely inappropriate adult/child relationship on an emotional level. If I am merely processing old negativity, then it isn't that much of a problem, even though it sucks horribly at the time. What I worry about is inadvertently making a new association with my husband in the role of the abuser, because of the emotions I am processing while with him. I don't understand how to go through this emotional process while at the same time keeping a healthy emotional boundary between the old abuse and my current relationship with him.

I'm not sure if I'm making this clear. I'm having a hard time understanding it myself, so I'm not sure if I'm even able to describe it in a way that makes any sense. This might belong in the "what we have survived" category, but I put it here because the main issue for me is my ability to be an adult with my husband while sorting through old childhood issues.

Anyway, I don't know if this makes sense, but if any of you have any thoughts or experiences to share, please do.
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Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Oct 31, 2007 11:10 pm

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Postby Rose » Thu Nov 01, 2007 12:25 am

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Re: Childhood issues

Postby coryman » Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:42 pm

Dear Rose.

I was truly touched by the story you almost told and though I do not know the detail of the abuse your suffered, I feel I know something about what you have been going through.

Childhood experiences good and bad can only be viewed, or relived through the eyes of the child who lived them and if the experience was bad, it can be very frightening for the adult.

When we get a shock in life, one of those life altering moments, it is possible for it to impact on us so badly that we become frightened and depressed at the thought of a repeat at some time.

The best way to overcome these bad experiences, is to approach them, though in a safe and controlled way, so that in our mind we are certain that no real danger can befall us.

In childhood, corporal punishment or worse the threat of it can impact on the young mind and create an indellible mark, and just like a bookmark in a page, it becomes something we refer to often and this can carry on into adulthood. I know this to be true for myself.

I was very severely beaten at school one day, in a way which would have raised hades at the time, let alone today, had I been able to tell anyone about it, or show the marks. Since that day there has not been a day that I have not relived it 2 or three times and wished a slow and painful death on my headmaster.

It is not possible to eradicate that memory, but it is possible to deal with it, by consciously ridiculing that man as a pervert, of the worst order. Poor little man! I have come to terms with it and stand much taller in my mind than any of those who abused me.

I have had female partners who suffered very bad physical abuse and some who did not, but were terrified by the prospect of it, and all were committed to spanking for sex-play and for discipline.

I think with me they were able to relive the bad terrifying parts of their past, but in a safe way, sublimating the awfulness of a childhood spanking by making sexual. Putting on a school uniforms, dressing down to child status, even simply wearing little white cotton panties, induced a measure of fear, of vulnerability and this I believe caused the adrenalin rush, to which they all seemed to be addicted.

With spanking we may be building a bridge between the mental attitude of the adult and the child, the victim is subordinated to the role of the child and the spanker, who may have childhood memories of physical abuse, is elevated to that of disciplinarian. It may well be as simple as that, because at the end of the day, child or adult, we are one and the same person.

In my last relationship, with a very well educated and sophiticated lady, she said that when she was put over my knee, she felt like a little girl and she absolutely loved it, though she dreaded punishment. Yet at no time did we consciously go in for age-play and she did not wear school uniform. Discipline was for punishment, or therapy, sometimes maintenance and was never sexual, yet sexual fantasies flowed from the disciplinary spankings, and she fantasised about being a little girl in my arms.

Very possibly Rose, you are going through a period of major transition. You are experiencing all sorts of scary emotions, some of which are strictly taboo for you, yet if you place your trust in your partner and place trust in yourself, it is possible that together you will be able to put the past into context and let yourselves free-fall into a wonderful emotional combination.

What was done to you in the past may well be acceptable and truly pleasurable in an appropriate relationship, so as you become accustomed to living under your guy's control and sensitive guidance, you will feel safe and secure.

That ten year old girl who still lives inside you will be able to play safely once more.

Love Coryman
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Re: Childhood issues

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Fri Aug 13, 2010 8:50 pm

Coryman-

Welcome to the board. The thread in which you're responding to is an old one; I'm not sure that member is still around.

I'd love to encourage you to introduce yourself formally in the Introductions thread, we can greet you and you can get a sense of, to quote another member, the ethos of the group.


"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
:cheesy:
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