How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

So what is discipline?
How can I get my partner to...?
How can I find someone to...?
How can I tell someone...?

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby Eayore » Fri Jun 15, 2012 8:04 pm

I think you are right not to be bothered by others opinions!

The way I frame it in my head is that men (or me in particular) need and deserve corporal punishment to keep them civilised. So there is no conflict for me between being male/masculine and getting caned by my partner.
User avatar
Eayore
rank 6
rank 6
 
Posts: 1721
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:43 pm
Location: Ascot, UK
spam_b: What is a spam bot?
How did you find the board?: From the Punishment Book

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby splorange » Sun Jun 17, 2012 5:10 pm

Eayore wrote:I think you are right not to be bothered by others opinions!

The way I frame it in my head is that men (or me in particular) need and deserve corporal punishment to keep them civilised. So there is no conflict for me between being male/masculine and getting caned by my partner.


I really like that, Eayore! If it were a general theory, or a woman saying it, maybe I wouldn't be so impressed, but it's a really good way to frame it without compromising your masculinity. My boyfriend says a lot that men are simpler beings than women, and also that they are expendable whereas women are necessary... It doesn't seem to affect his view of himself or self-esteem but it is part of what makes him a male feminist. Meanwhile, I am searching for a way to define my submission which DOESN'T involve my boyfriend being in charge because he is a man!
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
User avatar
splorange
Rank 3
Rank 3
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 5:43 pm
Location: CORK!
spam_b: I am definitely not a spam bot.
How did you find the board?: The punishment book website links to it.

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:28 pm

I've heard the phrase "butch bottom" used pretty commonly since before I came out as a lesbian, so being a bottom and being slightly "butch of center" has never really caused trouble for my self-identification.

But the groups of lesbians and kinky people I've spent time with are very comfortable with the idea that roles and identities are fluid, and are best understood on an individual basis.

splorange wrote:Meanwhile, I am searching for a way to define my submission which DOESN'T involve my boyfriend being in charge because he is a man!


Does it help at all to see couples with other dynamics (same sex or F/M)?
User avatar
JigsawAnalogy
rank 6
rank 6
 
Posts: 2875
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2007 9:44 am
Location: New York
spam_b: I am not a spammer, I *delete* spammers!
How did you find the board?: Hm. Well, I was poking around in my imagination, and there it was.

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby altbob » Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:34 pm

@Homebody - I can't exactly commiserate, being a Top. However, there is another way I can identify, I think. You are concerned about dealing with societal views that say men should be out providing and such. I can see where you would get backlash. I have to deal with the idea that if normal society knew about my sadistic tendencies and enjoyment of control, I would be viewed as a monster (at least I tend to assume that). So to some extent I can relate. I can tell you what works for me, sometimes, and you may be able to make it work for you.
Arrogance (or self confidence, if you want to be PC about it). Just think about how you discuss and go over things with your partner that many are afraid of and hide from, or that leak out and get indulged / dealt with in decidedly less safe ways by ignoring them.
You have the courage to find someone and open yourself up to what you need. That's not easy, nor is it common. Bravery and bravado aren't the same thing.
Also keep in mind there are 2 kinds of people who may give you negative reactions. One views you as having something wrong with you, and that's that. The other may have a knee jerk reaction, but know it's irrational. To me those are worth giving a second chance to.
User avatar
altbob
Rank 4
Rank 4
 
Posts: 414
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:51 pm
spam_b: Not to spam, or relegate one's self to the lowest dregs of net life, that is the question.
How did you find the board?: Looking up BDSM, came across DD, then TTWD, and Google lit the way.

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby Homebody » Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:44 am

altbob wrote: To me those are worth giving a second chance to.


I agree wholeheartedly. Those folks that are willing to listen to reasoning are always worth salvaging.

It is an uphill battle to demonstrate 'masculinity' to the populace at large. I'm not generally concerned about it, as I consider myself above it (the arrogance you appropriately mentioned in your post), but I occasionally fall into the trap of thinking myself "un-manly". I suppose its hard to undo many years of upbringing.
Homebody
Rank 2
Rank 2
 
Posts: 46
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2011 11:29 pm
spam_b: Do spambots dream of electric sheep?
How did you find the board?: I googled it while looking for domestic discipline

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby altbob » Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:18 am

I can see that. I also just think of what I am as more than manly, I am Bobly. If you set that up for yourself, then you are being you quite well. I have also admitted to myself there is a monster, so I keep him on a short leash
User avatar
altbob
Rank 4
Rank 4
 
Posts: 414
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2011 1:51 pm
spam_b: Not to spam, or relegate one's self to the lowest dregs of net life, that is the question.
How did you find the board?: Looking up BDSM, came across DD, then TTWD, and Google lit the way.

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby splorange » Fri Jun 22, 2012 10:44 am

JigsawAnalogy wrote:
splorange wrote:Meanwhile, I am searching for a way to define my submission which DOESN'T involve my boyfriend being in charge because he is a man!


Does it help at all to see couples with other dynamics (same sex or F/M)?


It definitely does. I think without knowing that people who did these things existed, I wouldn't have come to this lifestyle at all. We did consider the Spencer Plan first, which in a way I would have been more comfortable with, but it wasn't exactly right for us either.

The longer I go without being spanked, the more I fear that the real me (the confident, loud, wilful, self-assured, bossy one) is sublimated in punishment. After a punishment, I'm happier, but I don't usually feel any of those things. And sometimes I need to be those things too. *shrug* not all the answers come to us at once!
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
User avatar
splorange
Rank 3
Rank 3
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 5:43 pm
Location: CORK!
spam_b: I am definitely not a spam bot.
How did you find the board?: The punishment book website links to it.

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby wicked nurse » Thu Jan 24, 2013 4:43 pm

lana wrote:Yes! I agree. Theres a big difference between the privacy of sex and the secrecy of DD.
Example: If my sister sees Ive left my bc control pills out and says Oh are you on bc? It would be no big deal . I dont advertise my sex life but no big deal if someone found out. OTOH, if she founnd my paddle or lexan cane left out , it would be very embarrassing to admit that I got spanked by my husband. Thats why I vhave to carefully put everything away all the time.
Another example I was at my moms house and borrow her computer to go on dd1chatz and she says what do you talk about there? and I say oh this and that :weasel: -- and now she prolly thinks its a guy or something. :sigh: :sigh:
lana


Totally off topic but you made me laugh so hard! I can relate due to a car ride with my grandfather when we were listening to Dr. Laura. Mom was visiting her newly married daughter and had found a cache of "kinky porn sites" and was wondering whether she should / how to break it to her daughter. My grandfather started talking about how detrimental that would be in a relationship for the man to spend his time blah blah blah and all I could think was "every porn site in our computer history was either me visiting or me pointing out something to R!" I just left well enough alone though.

As far as accepting myself as a bottom, it has taken some time not to feel odd about my proclivities considering how I only know internet entities that feel the way I do, but I came across this quote from sex philosopher (hows that for a job description!) Alain de Botton "We are universally deviant — but only in relation to some highly distorted ideals of normality." This was a source of great understanding and acceptance of myself for me.

@ Splorange, I really know what you mean by wondering if you are subliminating part of yourself after a spanking. The way I have come to understand it for me is that while there is plenty of room for the loud, more than a bit bossy woman I am in most of my life, there is no need for that in my relationship, and so those parts of me should be subliminated by a good spanking whenever they interfere with our happiness.
wicked nurse
Rank 1
Rank 1
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2012 12:56 am
spam_b: I am most definitely not a spam bot.
How did you find the board?: Bing search for dd (many google searches did not reveal this
Site)

Re: How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

Postby splorange » Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:22 pm

I always feel a little disappointed that Alain de Botton's name isn't just de Bottom and be done with it.

Ah wicked nurse... these things are so complicated! Right now, my boyfriend is the one in serious need of punishment. But it's not what we do, and anyway, we live in different countries! I redefine myself almost daily though, so it works out.
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
User avatar
splorange
Rank 3
Rank 3
 
Posts: 283
Joined: Wed May 02, 2012 5:43 pm
Location: CORK!
spam_b: I am definitely not a spam bot.
How did you find the board?: The punishment book website links to it.

Previous

Return to FAQ 2

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron