How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

[altbob]

I've been working on things a while with my wife. She's very much a people pleaser and likes to go along and keep from getting anyone upset. I like to be in charge. But, I want her to consciously choose to go along with things. So I'm very careful about not covertly influencing her. She likes me being in charge, but isn't comfortable with liking that, and worries about what other people would think. If some people here wouldn't mind sharing, how do you deal with what you want / need? I saw some similar topics in the "How can I be a " subforum, but thought I might post this here anyway. Thanks in advance.

[JigsawAnalogy]

I think that, for me, I accept being a bottom in the way that I accept any self-knowledge.

There are aspects of my identity that are much easier to see from the outside--for instance, being biracial. I had to come to terms with that on my own, and I had to do work to figure out what it meant for me, but it was really easy to know that there was something there to come to terms with.

There are also aspects of my identity that shape my life on a daily basis. It might have been somewhat easier to accept being a lesbian than being a bottom, because I'm constantly surrounded and supported by people who either are queer in some way, or who understand that it's part of the normal range of human experience. But I still had to spend time understanding who I was, and I had to come to a place where I could accept that I wasn't going to fit into the life that I'd been taught to imagine from the time I was a little kid.

Then there are things like having a physical disability--mine isn't obvious from the outside, and so I sometimes really have a hard time accepting that I have to make accommodations for it, and cutting myself slack for the ways that it changes my life--and the ways that it impacts other people's lives, like W's.

And there are things like my religious identity, which is pretty mixed, and which does have an effect on me, although I'm no longer sure that I could really say what my identity is... but I've learned to accept that it's the path I follow that leads me to the place that is right for me, in spite of it not being any of the paths prescribed by the religion in which I was raised, or in most other formal ways of dealing with spirituality.

Being a bottom falls somewhere in the middle of those things. It's who I am, it's what I need, and it's the thing that leads me to the place I need to go. I feel ambivalent when my needs as a bottom mean that things get harder for W, but I can also look at things intellectually and see that it's not all about me taking things from her.

I suspect that very little of how I came to accept being a bottom would help someone in a position different than mine, though.

[PrttyinPnk]

It isn't always easy...I'm trying to write this so it helps you, and I work in list formats so I'm just going to throw up a couple of quick ones.

Cons:
1) I'm a liberal feminist and sometimes its difficult accept that this lifestyle fits in perfectly with my mores.
2) You feel like other people would judge you negatively if they knew.
3) It can be difficult reconciling that what you want (DD, or submission, or spanking) is what you really don't want (discipline, accepting someone elses authority, spanking)
4) It requires an immense amount of trust.

Pros:
1) As a liberal feminist, I feel like that means I get to CHOOSE what I want in my life, despite what anyone else thinks. I chose/love this.
2) I remind myself people would have a more negative view of him than me...while this isn't comforting for you, its comforting to me...cause I know that he is awesome, and anyone that would judge him (for doing what I want for heavens sake) is judging him (and therefore me) unfairly and with limited information. Give me perspective.
3) I realize that what I want is a trusting, loving, supportive partner. For me, that requires DD. It gives us peace, tranquility, joy. It makes our sex life awesome. And those are the important things...if it makes our relationship better (what I REALLY want) then its worth it, even when he makes me stand in the corner...for fifteen minutes.(when he KNOWS I hate it more than anything else)
4) I have a hard time respecting anyone, particularly authority. I have a hard time reigning in my temper, managing my time, prioritizing, and making myself do unpleasant and necessary tasks. He has no problem helping me stay on track (although obviously he isn't always perfect...none of us are)

I hope that helps and wasn't too arduous to read. I think all of us bottoms know and understand the angst of loving it and being self conscious occasionally.

[FootballJunkie]

Maybe this isn't what you're looking for, but for me, this type of relationship saves me a lot of time from beating myself up emotionally and mentally. It draws me closer to T, which I absolutely love. It gives us a balance in our relationship. I am not necessarily a head-strong person, but growing up I was a fixer and so sometimes I can do things without thinking about him. This helps me reign that in a little bit. Oddly, it's not really something I had to accept as far as an identity. Accepting TTWD was a chore, but after that, I've always known I had a bottom mentality...so maybe that's not helpful, but is definitely true for me. I can be a very self-driven person, but this gives me a person who watches over me and helps be become a better person (in my mind), and at times, makes sure I don't go too far with the self-drivenness.
Whew, I hope all of that made sense. I feel like I am rambling. If it didn't I will be happy to clarify

[altbob]

Thank you so much for the replies so far. She's starting to look here and a few other places now.
JA- Thank you, while her path isn't the same, knowing there are other people on the road always helps
PiP - I think the list format was quite nice for organizational reasons, and flowed quite well. Thank you.
FJ - That's one of the things I want to help her with in this (the beating herself up) So thank you as well.
I look forward to showing her this thread.

On a completely different note, why does there seem to be a dearth of tops? There are a few who post, but not many. I haven't done much forum reading / posting in this area at all, so I don't really know if this is standard or just something on this board. Just curious.

[Lady Governess]

At the risk of putting my head far enough above the parapet to have it shot off....the dearth of Tops is sort of understandable on a board where the main idea is building relationships and living a lifestyle as opposed to being sexually dominant in a bit more of a BDSM sort of way. i know of other boards where tops post a lot. But in none of them is the conversation about the sensitive and personal issues we talk about here a lot of the time.

In other places, the Tops make fun of bottoms, rib them gently about spanking them, or even seem to be rubbing their hands and drooling over buzz words like "spank you on your bare bottom" (drool). I find it a little repulsive at times. The majority of our Tops have a deep and caring need to learn the complexities of how to give bottoms what they need - which is a complex process and requires a more thoughtful nature than the ability to be a lecherous bottom fancier.

There's also a tendency in some other places to leave the bottoms to play around to the point of brattishness. Once a bottom says something a bit risky, the Tops pop up with empty threats of spankings etc. it's all a game. here the 'game' is getting to know ourselves and learning to make it work for us all. The whole emphasis is different and most of the Tops are watching and learning and considering.

Cynical? Maybe. But I've been around a lot of forums over the years!

On the other hand it could just be that bottoms talk a lot!

[Meg]

[Desperate4Discipline]

[Meg]

[JigsawAnalogy]

[Lady Governess]

[altbob]

LadyGoverness - thank for that perspective. As I said, this is my first board because it seems so friendly, so information about other places is useful. I like to tease, but only when I know what a persons insecurities are so I can avoid those. What you describe (other places) would feel presumptuous to me.
Amethyst - Thank you, I try to be careful about that. One of the worst punishments I could give her would be to tell her "I'm disappointed in you". To date, I haven't used anything like that because it would be so bad. And if you call it a marriage, it's a marriage. Law is an approximation to right, not vice versa.
About the out in the open thing, I don't advertise it either (barring a few fantasies of her in collar and leash) . But I have a problem with paranoia and also disconnects from reality (Yeah! more therapy patients) . So one of coping strategies I developed is to put stuff out there, so I don't have to worry what would happen if people found out. I don't mean in your face, I just mean I treat it like my job or anything else. Also, by putting it out there, it lets me take ownership of it. So not being open about this, partially for my wife's sake, is a bit stressful.
Thanks again for all the info.

[brightlyblaze]

[Meg]

[JigsawAnalogy]