How do bottoms accept being bottoms?

[altbob]

Amethyst - Thank you! That was very well written and thought out. It "feels" true. I'm straight, and so haven't had to worry about going around with my partner in my life lest people judge me. So BDSM and this are the only things I've had to "closet" myself about. As JigsawAnalogy says, I don't wish to subject people to graphic details that make them uncomfortable, but I don't like not being able to mention things that come up. I have problems with depression and connections to reality. As a result, I REALLY dislike lying, because that just makes reality more distant. So not being open about about this stuff is... uncomfortable. This is one of the reasons I plan to become independently wealthy, so I don't have to worry about offending boss or coworkers
On a less serious note, that was my first smilie. Will I build up a tolerance and start needing to put more and more in my messages now?

[Meg]

[fearless_leader]

I know I'm a little late in the conversation, so hopefully I'm not being redundant, but here's my 2 cents. If she's having trouble getting comfortable with the lifestyle change, maybe change how your authority is directed towards her. Try taking authority over things that she needs help with, or struggles with that are important to her, but for whatever reason she just can't seem to grasp and take care of. If it's something that upsets her a lot, and you start using TTWD to help her feel more supported and cope with it more easily, I think it will help her become more comfortable in accepting her lifestyle choice regardless of what others thoughts are. It shows you are thinking of her needs and what's important to her, not just her wants. Also general encouragement always goes great lengths, for example, if you know she's having a hard time behaving well one day, maybe during the day at a time when she is behaving better, compliment her on that behaviour in a way where it shows you like it and appreciate it. Letting her know that her being obedient is attractive to you, will help her feel better about obeying. If you present the lifestyle choice as something you like during day to day in ways like that, and make sure it's something that helps her, I think it's a simple way to aid in accepting the change in lifestyle, because if you both like it and it's a positive thing for the relationship, that's what should matter, not what other people think.

Re: The tops not posting much... being guilty of that myself (having only posted once even though I joined the board a decent bit ago now)... I must say for me, I think I'd post more, but aside from my lovely wife, I've never really spoken to anyone about this. So I personally have a hard time expressing myself when talking about it since I'm not really sure how to phrase things to other people, if that makes sense even. But I do plan to at least try to post a little more often, 'cause as everyone has said, us tops don't post much!

[Ralphswife]

I guess that I am in the minority here, but I don't really give a rip what other people think of TTWD. I know that I am not a perv and it makes me happier and more well adjusted. I don't discuss it with people because they are too narrow minded to understand. I tried talking about it with my cousin after we first stared because she was the one who told me about the forum that I later joined, she told me in an "OMG, you are NOT going to believe what I saw", sort of way. I also found out later that she has some pretty big fantasies about it that she freaks out over. So, she didn't take it very well. That was my last attempt at talking about it with anyone who doesn't live it.

So, then I trusted (too much) the people on the forum that I was a moderator on. After I left because of defending another member, one of the other moderators (with more serious issues than I see here) threatened to call Children Services on my family and a couple of my friends families. So, now I don't care that no one in my "real life" should be told. They are narrow minded and would not understand, so to me also it is like details of sex, income, religion, or politics. It is a volatile subject, and I chose not to bring it up.

Having said that though, I am the aggressive type and once went on 7XSunday, not as myself but as a devils advocate, to defend myself because my cousin posted about my situation and was "worried that it would turn to abuse". Those people have no idea what they are talking about, they went way off the deep end. She called me and asked me to read it because she believed that they had valid points. So, I went on to try to show the other side, claiming not to be doing it myself. It got so bad that the moderators took down the whole thread for a long time, and when they put it back up everything that I had written and the responses to it were deleted.

Believe me that in my experience, most people are just not open minded enough to even try to understand. It saves me grief to not tell anyone, but I am not ashamed nor do I have any guilt about it.

[Meg]

[Ralphswife]

Amethyst,

I understand what you mean. I have never before been the submissive type, but it has made me miserable in my past relationships. I have always wanted someone stronger than me who would stand up to me and not back down. You can be strong and be submissive, and it is definitely an active choice for me, as it does not come naturally. I have mostly been in relationships with men where I was the dominant one, (only one of those involved spanking). But I am truly happier not being in charge.

As far as being ok not being able to be openly into TTWD, I think that it gets easier with time, as most things do.

About not being able to have real life interaction, would you be allowed to and comfortable with telephone conversations with someone that you trust from the forum? That helped me in the beginning much more than just internet interaction. Just a thought.

[Meg]

Hi Ralphswife.

Yes, I do have a friend or two I can talk to from the Forum. Obsidian and I also have another couple who are friends in RL (although, we do not get to see them nearly as often as we like).

There is nothing like RL interaction though.

Maybe someday, we can have at ttwd get together, but many of us are pretty spread out geographically.

[Meg]

For me, I think one of the big difficulties with my own acceptance is that I was raised in a rather unconventional (to say the least) family structure, where the norm was a kind of egalitarian structure...at least, unconventional for people of my age bracket.

While we are not really open about the disciplinary aspects of our relationship, I have found that we actually *can* be more open about some of the power exchange aspects, particularly as we present as a bit of a butch/femme couple. It has actually surprised me that it seems that there is almost a bit of an expectation that Obsidian will be at least somewhat in charge, particularly when around her family, and my being more openly deferential to Obsidian in public has not raised any eyebrows, even places where I thought it might. Actually, in some ways, and with some people, there is almost a greater social comfort where I *am* openly deferential to Obsidian. (Now, I don't call her, "Sir," in public, nor do I get disciplined in public, and I am sure that *would* raise eyebrows) It is kind of strange for me, though. I think that, despite the current social convention of egalitarianism, there is still a bit of an expectation that one of the couple will be more in charge.

[altbob]

Thanks again to everyone, from Fearless_leader to Ralphswife, as well as the previous contributors. This has been quite an interesting and unique point of view on things.
@Fearless leader. I appreciate your advice. I do support and encourage her. It's just more that she will go along with things, and I can tell from her responses that she likes it, but she won't say it. If I press, and specifically say "are you really enjoying this, but don't feel comfortable enjoying this? " She says exactly.
I know her really well, better than she does herself in general. However, since this is something I really like, and she likes to go along with things, I'm second guessing myself more than usual to insure I'm not just projecting what I want her to feel on to her. I'm not really interested in her "going along with it". If her hearts not in it, it doesn't do anything to me. I believe, as objectively as I can, that she is. She's just not quite up to... I guess owning that (owning that feeling/desire/need, not me owning her).
Anyway, thanks again. I'm think I'm just going to keep talking to her about it, and start doing more regular exercise/involvement with this and monitor her emotional response. I've also started her lurking here, and will point her at this thread.
Thanks again to all.

[tammy]

I'm far from naturally submissive and definitely not a spanko. Being the bottom is part of the price I pay for the wonderful man I'm with. It's definitely worth it ...

At one time I did think he'd grow out of it lol

[lana]

[artlover]

[wilczyca]

On the past , young age i met one guy , we got short DD relationship. I felt with Him and with That kind of relationship really fulfill.

Laster i never again met that partner, i tried don't think about this, i thought that something wrong with me

It was few years, and many normal vanilla relationship. I never interested this so much, i little scared ...

Last months i discovered that another people live like that, and i am not alone

Now i know why i always like "push red button" or to tease someone, not to much, but i really like... but in normal vanilla relation it didn't work so good like i want.

[Eayore]

Hi, wilczyca.

I think many of us have the same experience - that it does not work with a vanilla partner simply to tease them or try to push their buttons.

If you are in a relationship with a vanilla partner you really like and want to stay with, it may be worthwhile to tell them you like DD. Then you can ask them if they would try it with you.

It is rarely "easy" this way, but as long as you keep talking to each other about what you both want and expect, over time you may be able to develop the DD you need.

[Homebody]

I'm particularly interested in hearing the viewpoint of other male bottoms and how they reconcile TTWD with the 'expectations of being a man'. I face a frequent uphill battle in other aspects of my life because I am a stay-at-home dad and my wife has a 'traditionally male' career. I feel a kind of veiled scorn from her coworkers and other men that we encounter and I have to work to overcome that. Not to mention if they knew about TTWD That said, I'm not generally one to be bothered by others opinions and I wouldnt have an issue sharing information about this lifestyle with friends if it seemed pertinent.

How do you other guys find ways to feel masculine while knowing that your wife/partner can pull you over her knee? I also invite those who identify with masculine roles to respond as well. (butch? forgive me, I'm not overly familiar with the appropriate terminology)