Punishment Advice

What punishments have worked for you? Which made you (or your partner) feel frustrated or resentful?

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Punishment Advice

Postby Ladyinredbottom » Tue Feb 22, 2011 6:12 pm

Here is my dilemma. I used to be a smoker for over 10 years. When I got pregnant I quit for over 3 while I had my 2 children. All the time my husband was sneaking behind my back smoking. Granted it was only 2 a day and who could blame him with a wife who is essentially pregnant for almost 2 years straight. Regardless of his reason for lying to me I felt betrayed. After I found his stash he ended up not hiding it from me anymore. Needless to say I had a rough few months and asked him for a cigarette one day. Not thinking he gave me one. Even lit it for me. That was all it took.

Flash forward 1.5 year I need to quit smoking. My smokers hack is disgusting. I hate doing it but have a hard time quitting. Every time I ask him for help he agrees and makes it an offense to smoke a cigarette. Each time thou when it comes down to the day I'm supposed to quit I always have one excuse or another for why its not a good time. I used to get mad at him when he lectured me about changing my mind about this so much. I told him it was his fault I was smoking again. Which of course earned me a very lengthy punishment. All the while lecturing me about how I was in control of my own actions and I must hold myself accountable.

I am not exactly sure how to get past this anger but I am willing to try. My question is how? My main goal here is to finally quit smoking so I can quit being mad at him for it right?

What do you guys suggest as an acceptable cessation/punishment program. Keep in mind I work 50 hours a week and have two kids so immediate punishment is not always an option.

I look forward to hearing any advice you may have to give. Oh and I forgot to mention that when he lied to me we were not in a DD relationship and I would have totally gone prego postal on him.
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue Feb 22, 2011 7:11 pm

Honestly, what wound up working for me was accepting that I was the one who had to decide that I was going to quit, and it pretty much needed to be on my own. It's a powerful addiction, and much as the fantasy of having W be able to stop me from doing it by punishing me, it goes so deep that the motivation needed to be mine.

The other thing that I realized was that for me (and apparently for quite a lot of people), quitting smoking can bring up a whole lot of emotional stuff. In my case, it was depression, which kind of blindsided me, since that wasn't mentioned anywhere else. It helped a LOT to use the patch, and also to use nicotine lozenges to replace the nicotine, so that I could break the addiction to the act of smoking (or, you know, work on that... I still crave them, but I can separate the psychological need from the physiological, and if I'm using the lozenges, it's possible for me to go days at a time without craving a cigarette). The problem with the lozenges is that, while they're probably better for you than smoking, they're probably also just as addictive, so if you *can* manage to quit with just the patch, definitely go that route.

I think something to remind your husband of is that it's a really strong addiction. You might feel like you can tackle quitting right after you've had a cigarette, but as the nicotine wears off, it'll be harder and harder to stay committed. This is where having the patch or lozenges can help: those will keep you from having such intense cravings, and make it easier to deal with the habit itself, separate from the physical addiction. And then, presumably, you wean yourself off the substitute, and you're good to go.

Oh, or you could try one of the electronic cigarettes, which are supposed to be much less bad for you than cigarettes, but you get the nicotine and the act of smoking without all of the rest of the bad stuff. I haven't tried them yet, but I've heard people say they work for them.
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Sam » Tue Feb 22, 2011 8:36 pm

Post revised
Last edited by Sam on Thu Apr 07, 2011 10:40 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Ladyinredbottom » Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:14 pm

Sweet! I just found out my husband ordered and E- cigarette for me. He surprised me with it after dinner. 8-)How thoughtful of him! 8-) He's always thinking of ways to help me help myself. Now if I could just quit changing my mind about quitting. The thing that pisses me off is I know I'm strong enough to do this. I just find it to easy to have a cigarette instead of fighting the craving. That's where the punishment comes into play. Here are the rules that were set forth:

1) No smoking more that 7 times a day until Friday (Can be as many cigarettes at a time I may think I need. Although he knows I can barely finish 1) I may use the E-cigarette as many times as I choose a day to substitute a cigarette. He encourages it. In fact I get a reward for each time I don't use of the 7. I'm not sure what the reward is but he is very creative.
2) By Saturday I must be willing to give up real cigarettes all together. Only use the E-cigarette.
3) For two weeks I may use the E-cigarette as much as I want.
4) After the two weeks are up he will switch the cartridges to the nicotine free ones.
5) Then I can puff on fake smoke all I want until the cows come home 8-) He said chances are I won't want to after a week or so.

My punishment for breaking any of these rules. 1/2 hour earlier bedtime for each infraction. I'm normally in bed by 9 on weekdays and 11 on the weekends.

Somehow I think this will work. He is my rock and he said he will help me through it every step of the way! Oh the best part is mild moodiness is not an infraction for the duration of his program. WOOHOOO!!! Key word is mild. He said I had better not take advantage of it or I will be very sorry. I promised him I wouldn't 8-)
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue Feb 22, 2011 10:56 pm

Good luck with this! I hope it works out for you.

But, as Derek said, if it doesn't work this time, keep trying. (One thing that helped me to be successful was the idea that, even if I had a cigarette or ten after my Absolute Final Quit Date, it didn't mean I wasn't quitting, it just meant I wasn't quitting perfectly and immediately.)
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Meg » Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:25 pm

Good luck to you.
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Ladyinredbottom » Wed Feb 23, 2011 5:42 pm

My reward....25$ for each of the 7 times I decline to have a cigarette. That is a possible 175$ for each day..... today, tomorrow, and Friday = 525$. Hmmmm....What could I buy with that kinda money??? :rubhands:

Not a single cigarette since before bed last night :nanana: Oh and strangely I'm not craving one. Maybe money really does talk. LOL
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby TryingReallyHard » Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:29 am

Good luck!!! Quitting sucks, but it is worth it. (Ok, I'm nominating that for Obvious and Redundant comment of the day!!) LOL
~TRH
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The hard lessons make the difference, and the difference makes it worth it." -Fireflight
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Ladyinredbottom » Thu Feb 24, 2011 7:14 pm

Day two!! No smokes :world:
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Ladyinredbottom » Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:11 am

Got in a fight with my husband today. I was upset about stupid crap but wasn't able to walk away because I was craving a cigarette. I still didn't have one but I got myself in a whole heap of trouble. I opened my mouth and to my horror all kinds of nastiness came out in the form of words.

He just grabbed me and I thought I was going to get it right then and there. Instead he put his arms around me and hugged me and told me to relax and calm down for a minute.

When I was calm he walked up to me and asked me if I was feeling better. "Yes I am thanks for asking. I'm sorry about what I said to you earlier!" I said. "I know you are. You are going to clean the entire house top to bottom today or we're going to the basement to take care of this. It's your choice!"


So today I clean the house and my butt is spared for now 8-)
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Re: Punishment Advice

Postby Meg » Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:51 am

Good job not smoking :cheers: I remember Obsidian quitting...actually, she has quit and restarted several times. It's been about 6 months since the last time she smoked. There were many days she was so cranky, I *almost* wanted her to just have a smoke. Good job to both you and your husband...keep it up.
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