Question re when the dom misbehaves

What punishments have worked for you? Which made you (or your partner) feel frustrated or resentful?

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Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby lana » Sat Aug 25, 2012 3:07 pm

This came up recently on another thread where someone felt it unfair that in a boot camp the dom wasnt expected to make a list of HIS misbehaviors/bad habits-- or get punished for them. This is a frequently mentioned stumbling block to a lot of women who want to try DD but feel its sexist and/or unfair in this way.

Everyone knows that no one is perfect and theres behaviors in any LTR that really bug the other person

So the question is how is how people feel about this. (Changing the sexes around where it fits with your relationship.)
Ill put in my own response too but dont have anymore time now.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby artlover » Sat Aug 25, 2012 6:36 pm

Well, without knowing what you mean by "misbehaves" it is hard to answer. But when we do this, her consent depends on how I am upholding my husbandly responsibilities. If I am not holding up my end of the deal, I have no right to take my wife over my lap for when she messes up. Unless you are both switches, it is hard for me to see how anything else would work. But maybe some of the answers will surprise me.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby splorange » Mon Aug 27, 2012 7:14 am

I typically see one of these two responses:

The top never messes up, does so very rarely, or the bottom doesn't care because it doesn't bother them being the only one called to task.

The top has to do something nice for their partner when they do something wrong, or contributes to a money jar that will be spent on a present for the bottom.



I think I would feel the same as artlover for a major situation. The right to top me is a delicate thing and I wouldn't feel at all comfortable being topped if I wasn't happy with my partners actions for one reason or another. However, it's tricky. I wouldn't withdraw consent for one mistake. But too many mistakes start to head in that direction. If there isn't some sort of redressing of the situation per mistake that's in keeping with what happened, it can become a slippery slope to the point where you're not comfortable anymore. But no single thing caused that to happen.

I don't think the problem in the original thread was that the top 'gets away with murder' exactly - it's that the literature seemed to imply that the top never made mistakes or if they did, that they didn't matter. For many people, as soon as it's acknowledged that this is not the case, possibly they would feel quite happy about being topped with no consequences per se for the top.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Ice-cream » Mon Sep 03, 2012 9:20 pm

Hmmm interesting.
For me I have no interest in punishing Himself, or at least not in spanking him. I would be more than a little bit repulsed if he wanted a submissive role and I also do not have the kind of self control needed to top well.
But I find such peace and harmony in submitting to a punishment for my misdemeanours and he seems to find satisfaction and peace in administering the punishment. To my mind it is ok that we compliment each other, we don't have to be the same.
But when I say I don't want to punish him, that doesn't stop me giving out or getting cross with him. Recently we had a row, which is fairly rare and the following evening I was punished for it. The ensuing debate went something like this:
Me: so now I'm not allowed voice an opinion?
Him: of course you are, and I reserve the right to punish you for it. And you reserve the right to enjoy being punished.

It's not PC and certainly not what I thought I wanted to hear but I LOVE when he isn't reasonable! And daft as I am it works for me: it makes me more likely to express my opinion not less, not because I want the spanking but because I need the redemption.

Sometimes he takes pleasure in punishing me for something he's just as guilty of, and all he says is,"who's holding the cane?". I love that it is unfair. That's the point of a power exchange. At least for me.

(The fair part is that he listens. To me that is the all important quality in a top. )
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby altbob » Wed Sep 05, 2012 5:09 pm

Depends on the personality types. I make mistakes, and try to admit them. However, I react badly to external authority. At that point, it becomes competitive. I don't know if all Tops are that way. I am just saying for me that corrective procedures can involve a checkin, but punishment is more a motivator to continue than to stop.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Louise » Sun Sep 09, 2012 9:46 am

If my husband has done something to upset me he will apologise, and that satisfies me. He makes more of an effort these days to keep his temper, though he isn't always succcessful. I don't really want anything from him other than an apology. If I thought he had to be perfect in order for us to have a DD relationship, I would never have suggested it in the first place.

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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby muchinspired » Sun Sep 09, 2012 1:12 pm

i can't imagine ever wanting, or... /punishing/ R. that actually makes me feel a little sick inside. not because i don't like discipline, but because i don't want her to ever /need/ discipline.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Ice-cream » Tue Sep 11, 2012 4:11 pm

sorry! wrong section
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Lady Governess » Tue Sep 11, 2012 4:53 pm

Absolute respect to everyone who feels their Tops ought not to be punished or need to be punished. I do understand this point of view and would always respect it for everyone who holds it.

However, just for the sake of putting the other side..................

If a TTWD is based on emotional / psychological bases (as opposed to sensual / sexual bases) I wonder if there are any tops out there who might feel the need to be subject to discipline on occasions? I can see the argument, for example, when a very clear and obvious boundary has been violated. If a Top is rude or disrespectful or a hundred other similar things, that is somewhat open to interpretation so might not be a clear enough line for a Top to cross to become subject to discipline. But how about if he/she drives home from a night out when intoxicated? To me, that is clearly the wrong thing to do no matter where one stands on discipline for Tops. In the morning, the Top may be subject to the same guilt over the action as a bottom might be.

In cases like this, where the irresponsible act is very clear and distinct, might the Top have the option to ask for discipline? Perhaps not administered by their bottom? Would any Tops like that option? Would a bottom allow it if it were desired?

I realise this may be a cat among pigeons but I had to ask the question when so many bottoms have expressed their distaste for considering it, consenting to it or administering it!

And just to make it clear, I am a Top with a finely tuned conscience who finds physical discipline helpful occasionally - about once a year on average (although it's been almost 2 years since the last time I strongly felt that need).
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Louise » Tue Sep 11, 2012 7:17 pm

I would absolutely hate it is my husband wanted to be punished, by me or anyone else. It would upset the balance of our relationship. I much prefer the status quo be maintained.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Eayore » Sat Sep 15, 2012 8:46 am

I would have no worries if my top wanted to be punished, although I don't think that is likely. I think the example of a top feeling guilty after driving under the influence of alcohol is interesting. In my opinion, though, a domestic discipline-type punishment would only help in this case if the top is 'into' that sort of thing.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby Nat » Sat Sep 15, 2012 12:00 pm

It's interesting how language works in ttwd. Liz definitely thinks I misbehave, and so do I, but I never think of her that way. When she does something she shouldn't, or makes a bad choice, or overreacts, I never think of that as misbehaving. Maybe that's because "misbehave" is such a childish word, and associates with me - and probably most bottoms - more than it would associate with her as a top?

When she does "misbehave", I think we deal with it in many of the same ways non-ttwd couples would. We'll talk, sometimes argue, and agree to disagree - with her always having a final say if it comes to that, of course. I've even told her I was hurt by something she did or disappointed in her without ending up with a sore bottom. :) As long as I'm respectful she's even okay with me being mad at her, as long as being mad isn't related to a punishment.

But I'd never think she should be spanked for anything she did. We both think that consequence is reserved for me.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby LadyShriver1 » Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:41 pm

Lana,

Not sure if that was in reference to my post...if so, please don't misunderstand. I don't know that it's helpful for ANYONE to make a list of faults if they aren't sharing it in a very loving waywith someone they feel unjudged by. But I do think, that if you are going to do "self awareness" homework excersizes in a DD light, that it's also helpful for the Top to be aware of what things he/she might have to work on, so those don't hurt the DD relationship (aka, Top suffers from a quick temper in the morning might mean, spankings for things earned in the am are re-evaluated in the afternoon).

All that being said, I actually am not in favor of punishing my Top. He occasionally gives me leeway to, but it never quite feels right, at least not with corporal punishment. We have a "no corner time, no bedroom time" policy for me, so I can't very well use that. Typically though, if he makes a mistake that is a spankable offense for me, I do get to decide what kind of amends will be made. Sometimes, an apology, or acknowledging that he made the mistake is satisfaction enough for me, sometimes not. He gets the final "veto" on whether the amends I demand are fair, but I can keep making suggestions until he accepts. And thus far, he's been fair about it, so it's always been satisfactory to me.
Last edited by LadyShriver1 on Wed Sep 19, 2012 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Question re when the dom misbehaves

Postby lana » Tue Sep 18, 2012 4:39 pm

L.S.,
That sounds like a great way to handle this dilemma. I think that if the hoh does something that obviously was harmful to the relationship that he should in turn do something to repair it. Whether putting money onto a fund or jar for a vacation together . Or maybe doing some of the day to day chores for her to give her more free time.

I dont like the idea of policing or punishing my hoh--not my role. But i do like it that he does apologize voluntarily. I would get resentful if it was always a one way street.

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