intense spanking recently

[mickey]

I've been struggling lots to stay in place for a spanking. My spanker and I have found that an effective spanking eventually gets me to break down sobbing. When we've tried doing it over the lap or by having me bend over something, I'm just not able to hold myself in place enough for him to deliver the intensity needed. My hands fly back, I roll over, sit down....Self-preservation takes over, even if I know on some level that I need the spanking.

It was my frustration with my inability to stay in place for long enough to get to tears that made us choose to use restraints.

There have been two recent punishments that happened using restraints. For the first, I knelt in front of the futon, and my wrists were tied to the frame. What I found most difficult about this position was something about having my arms spread apart. He spread my arms far apart from each other so I would be unable to move back to sit down, and this was effective, but also made me much closer to breaking down even before the first swat come. My hands being so separated seemed to give me a sense of....no ground? no comfort? It felt so isolated and scary. But it brought me to tears fairly quickly, because it was like my ability to self-soothe was removed.

For the last spanking, we thought that it might work even better if my hands and my ankles were both tied to the futon, so he did that, and had me in a standing position bent way over. This time, he restrained my hands to the frame but closer together, so that I could theoretically clasp them together. He understood the import of having my hands tied apart from one another. This time, however, my ankles were tied to separate posts of the frame, so they were far apart, and I was bent quite far over in a standing position. This made it hard to really "sink" into tears as I'd done the time before.

I thought and my discpilinarian thought that having me bent over in this position would make the spanking more effective and over with more quickly. I had also ordered a heavy wooden paddle with holes (how thoughtful of me, right?), and this was the paddle's first real debut.

And it was Way. Too. Intense.

I"m not sure if it was the paddle or the bent over position or being totally immobilized or the holes in the paddle or what......

he wasn't hitting at anywhere near full strength.

But it didn't lead me to those tears I get when the pain is overwhelming and I go into catharsis.

It made me *scream*.

He stopped after a bit, and we both waited for the tears to come.

But I tend to guard against tears pretty strongly, even under intense pain, and it seems to take a fast hard volley of swats with no reprieve to get me to tears -- but this paddle, in this position -- way too much. So we stopped there.

I noticed the next day that I felt almost traumatized by this punishment, though talking it over with the disciplinarian made me feel much safer around him. He apologized, said that he was trying to be effective quickly, and I conceded that it was me who suggested bondage to keep me in place, and it was I that ordered the paddle! So neither of us could have known in advance how this would play out.

He says that the next spanking will be more like the time before this last one, like the one I first described -- but with hands closer together.

I liked the idea of the bent over completely immobilized spanking. But in reality -- just too much, I guess.

I think I just wanted to write that out, see if others have had experience with implements or punishment that somehow were too severe and maybe didn't give the desired effect.

Maybe this paddling would have brought me to tears, if he'd continued? But I think it's probably good that we stopped. I explained to him that wailing loudly and screaming are two very different things for me.

Thanks for listening!

[altbob]

Good luck to you.

[Homebody]

speaking from a bottom's perspective; sometimes we crave or fantasize about intense spankings/scenarios that are more than we can actually handle. I think this may be such a scenario for you. I would advise more testing at various levels of intensity until you find something that fits just right.

As much as I'm not a fan, perhaps try maintenance spankings for a few weeks to get a good grasp on what works for you.

[JigsawAnalogy]

W and I have had a lot of trial and error. One thing that I've learned about myself is that if I am really tired, or really upset, or not feeling very connected to her, the spanking will at best do no good, and at worst will cause some harm.

I might have a fantasy of her forcing me, or restraining me, or giving a fast, hard, incredibly intense spanking, but that doesn't work for me in reality.

But then, for me, crying is far more about my mindset than it is about how hard the spanking is. I have reached emotional catharsis from a relatively light, quick spanking, and I've had incredibly long, hard spankings not get me anywhere near where I needed to be to cry. And, for myself, I've learned that crying isn't necessarily the main goal to work towards. It is for some people, and that's great, but for me... it becomes a distraction and something stressful.

[mickey]

Good luck to you.

Thanks Bob. I think that my spanker and I are muddling through this all pretty successfully so far, with some temporary setbacks.
And thanks for the welcome!

[mickey]

speaking from a bottom's perspective; sometimes we crave or fantasize about intense spankings/scenarios that are more than we can actually handle. I think this may be such a scenario for you. I would advise more testing at various levels of intensity until you find something that fits just right.

As much as I'm not a fan, perhaps try maintenance spankings for a few weeks to get a good grasp on what works for you.

This makes a lot of sense, Homebody, particularly the piece about craving or fantasizing about something that ends up being unrealistic for my actual limits.
The *thought* of being powerless to stop an intense spanking is one thing; the reality is something quite different!

My spanker is new to all this, and he sees the idea of a maintenance or stress relief spanking as unfair to me -- why should I be spanked if I haven't done something wrong to deserve it? He's getting better and better at understanding my desire for structure, though, and even if he doesn't do maintenance, there are daily rules that at least keep me somewhat centered, and also give me lots of chances to get spanked if I'm going off track.

Thanks for sharing your experience and advice.

I'm sure my spanker and I will find something that works well.

[mickey]

W and I have had a lot of trial and error. One thing that I've learned about myself is that if I am really tired, or really upset, or not feeling very connected to her, the spanking will at best do no good, and at worst will cause some harm.

I might have a fantasy of her forcing me, or restraining me, or giving a fast, hard, incredibly intense spanking, but that doesn't work for me in reality.

But then, for me, crying is far more about my mindset than it is about how hard the spanking is. I have reached emotional catharsis from a relatively light, quick spanking, and I've had incredibly long, hard spankings not get me anywhere near where I needed to be to cry. And, for myself, I've learned that crying isn't necessarily the main goal to work towards. It is for some people, and that's great, but for me... it becomes a distraction and something stressful.

This makes a lot of sense, JA. It sounds like, for you, you really need to be in a headspace that allows you to be receptive to a spanking. Otherwise, it might create resentment or frustration?

For me, being forced is something that I protest bitterly against at the moment my spanker is moving toward it, and at the same time, when he does make me take a spanking when I'm distant from him and from myself, it always works. For me, there's something about him just talking with me that's more upsetting to me when I'm feeling out of control than just spanking me. Tears aren't always required, but I find that, when I'm really struggling to express feelings without the spanking, tears can help to get me to a point where I can connect to my own feelings. And for me, it takes hard spanking so far to facilitate that. Maybe that will change at some point -- I certainly wouldn't mind, and my spanker wouldn't mind, if I could open up with much less pain to get me there.

Thanks again for sharing. There are times for me, too, when I'm really upset or tired, where spanking just doesn't work and would create resentment. I'm clear in expressing that to my spanker when those times are going on. But it's also true of me that I'd rather him spank me once unnecessarily than hold off spanking several times for fear of doing it at a time that I'm not quite in need of it. Without a sense of structure, I sometimes feel like I'm flying apart.

My guess is that, though the nuances of our experiences may be different, there's lots of similarity on this board, and we're all striving to strike the balance (as it were!) that's just right for us.

[Eayore]

I liked the idea of the bent over completely immobilized spanking. But in reality -- just too much, I guess.

I think I just wanted to write that out, see if others have had experience with implements or punishment that somehow were too severe and maybe didn't give the desired effect.

Great description, mickey - and welcome back to the forum, by the way.

I don't think I have ever had a punishment which was too severe 'psychologically', though I have had many where I wasn't able to hold still - despite really wanting to.

I remember my early experiences of being restrained were surprisingly scary. So much so that we didn't continue doing that. However, a few months ago I got a pretty severe caning while I was tied over a chair, and I found the whole experience quite reassuring, even relaxing. I'm not sure what has changed from the previous times.

[Lady Governess]

Lots of things that could be said here.

On a practical note: Paddles with holes tend to move through the air faster than ones without holes (less air resistance) so they tend to land faster, which feels harsher to the receiver whilst the giver thinks he/she is just using normal force. Both are probably right!

On restraints: They have the potential to take away an element of active submission from the bottom. If you are looking to cry because you have willingly taken your punishment or some similar psychology involving you choosing to submit, then restraints will have an effect. Only you can work out whether you want to have that effect as part of your discipline.

An alternative that might work for you: I really like the OTK approach for bottoms who need to cry. I sit on something SOFT - a bed or a couch for example. Put the bottom over my knees with both her torso and her feet on the bed/couch. The variation (that I love) is to have her slide her hands firmly under my leg so that her hands are pinned down. It's very intimate and surprisingly effective. It's also comfortable and can be held without body strain on top or bottom. If that's not restrictive enough just tie or cuff the hands together in front of the bottom first before having them slide their hands under the top's leg.

Personally, I tend to reserve this kind of intimate scene for things where the bottom feels a level of guilt/shame or similar for the offence and use the less intimate tied up positions (such as your description of the futon) for less emotionally involved scenes (like play scenes or times when a degree of 'shock tactics' are called for).

Now I've mentioned shock tactics and you don't know what I mean! I mean in situations where I (as the top) can see a fault but the bottom refuses to admit or acknowledge it. Her mind needs to be changed and it needs to be changed quickly.

But, as always, experimenting to find what works for you is almost always the best policy. Good luck.

[mickey]

I liked the idea of the bent over completely immobilized spanking. But in reality -- just too much, I guess.

I think I just wanted to write that out, see if others have had experience with implements or punishment that somehow were too severe and maybe didn't give the desired effect.

Great description, mickey - and welcome back to the forum, by the way.

I don't think I have ever had a punishment which was too severe 'psychologically', though I have had many where I wasn't able to hold still - despite really wanting to.

I remember my early experiences of being restrained were surprisingly scary. So much so that we didn't continue doing that. However, a few months ago I got a pretty severe caning while I was tied over a chair, and I found the whole experience quite reassuring, even relaxing. I'm not sure what has changed from the previous times.

Hi Eayore -- Good to see you again too!

I think the one that I talked about *did* feel quite severe psychologically. I found out another important piece to the puzzle, however, when we tried downgrading the next punishment to the level we'd been doing spanking at previously. I found myself screaming then, too.....While I don't really understand the change in my reaction to a hard paddling, we've decided to keep doing the tied down thing (because otherwise, I just don't hold still -- at all!) -- but the plan is that he will start with a warm-up now, and start with the cutting board before moving to the paddle with holes.

I'm hoping I won't have to find out how that works anytime soon -- but at least we've negotiated a way to start things out so that I don't begin by screaming. I'd rather a spanking build up to me crying rather than it coming across like an immediate harsh trauma.

Thanks for your feedback!

[mickey]

Lots of things that could be said here.

On a practical note: Paddles with holes tend to move through the air faster than ones without holes (less air resistance) so they tend to land faster, which feels harsher to the receiver whilst the giver thinks he/she is just using normal force. Both are probably right!

On restraints: They have the potential to take away an element of active submission from the bottom. If you are looking to cry because you have willingly taken your punishment or some similar psychology involving you choosing to submit, then restraints will have an effect. Only you can work out whether you want to have that effect as part of your discipline.

An alternative that might work for you: I really like the OTK approach for bottoms who need to cry. I sit on something SOFT - a bed or a couch for example. Put the bottom over my knees with both her torso and her feet on the bed/couch. The variation (that I love) is to have her slide her hands firmly under my leg so that her hands are pinned down. It's very intimate and surprisingly effective. It's also comfortable and can be held without body strain on top or bottom. If that's not restrictive enough just tie or cuff the hands together in front of the bottom first before having them slide their hands under the top's leg.

Personally, I tend to reserve this kind of intimate scene for things where the bottom feels a level of guilt/shame or similar for the offence and use the less intimate tied up positions (such as your description of the futon) for less emotionally involved scenes (like play scenes or times when a degree of 'shock tactics' are called for).

Now I've mentioned shock tactics and you don't know what I mean! I mean in situations where I 9as the top) can see a fault but the bottom refuses to admit or acknowledge it. Her mind needs to be changed and it needs to be changed quickly.

But, as always, experimenting to find what works for you is almost always the best policy. Good luck.

Thanks for your feedback here! You're right, I think, about the impact of holes in a paddle on air resistance.
As far as the restraints, it seems like they alone help me (so far) to stay in place to actually receive the desired effect. What you describe about otk spanking sounds like it might work. The friend who spanks me just recently started doing this, so he's not very experienced, so I think he's not sure how to keep my body positioned over his lap.

Your description of the psychological factors involved in each type of punishment make sense. And maybe the types of things I'm being spanked for qualify as offenses where....hmm. I'm typically spanked for compromising my own safety in some way or for when I'm in a state where nothing else is reaching me. Perhaps the shock dynamic does work (Okay, I know that it does), but the severity of the punishment also makes it very difficult for me (and for my spanker, I suspect?) to follow through on the discipline until I seem to be very out of control. If we could find an intermediary solution where I could be spanked but not with the same severity or austerity, that would be useful.

[lana]

Hi Mickey
I too am wanting/needing the same thing as you i think.. id like to be able to release my stress and emotion by crying. (I hardly ever do) Im thinking its related to the the spanking going on a really long time and my hoh not giving me a fixed number of swats/strokes. I think when its fixed and i know ahead of time when its going to end, I can try to "hold on" and endure the pain till its over w/o crying.

Also. we have the same problem too that you mentioned. I start resisting and moving and it means lots of starts and stops. My reaction to an intense stroke of the paddle or cane is to roll sidewise so he has to stop then get me back into position) Even when i know the result may be getting a spank on the thigh for it, i cant always help it)

.I was acting short tempered and ive been stressed out lately re some recent events --so Im getting spanked for a bad attitude next week when my hoh gets home.We talked about this.& he said he might try lighter and longer and holding me down on the bed or tying me up to the bed post next time ....sooo well see.
Im kind of afraid hell forget the "lighter" part.

lana

[mickey]

Lana --
I hope that you get the release that you need from the next spanking.

And I hope he is very attentive to all your cues and will know if he's going too hard or too light.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been stressed lately. I hate it when i feel stuck in a bad attitude, and the effects of a spanking can really be a huge relief -- it seems to help me to reset my behavior and also to get some release.

Let me know how it goes!

[lana]

It didnt work because it didnt last long enough and just tying my feet together with a velcro strap didnt stop moving totally. Next time he said he is getting more straps and attaching one strap to each hand and then to each bedpost.

This is what i am guessing why it didnt make me cry--He did get the steady rhythm right and the degree of intensity too but just it didnt last nearly long enough to work. I dont thinlk most people would realize how long it takes. im getting this from my other site and what other women have said about what he ( their HOH)does that brings them to tears.
lana

[wicked nurse]

We have an under the mattress restraint system that works quite well, two parallel straps connected in the middle that end in four velcro cuffs. I got it at a Spencer's store in a regular mall for thirty dollars, but I'm sure you can find similar things online if you're interested.

So far we've only used it for fun, as I haven't earned anything super intense since R decreed that he'd use them to keep me in place for a spanking if necessary. I have learned over the last few months to sort of hug my pillow underneath me to keep in position, and I've tried to take pride in not moving which has been pretty effective. I'd like to try the OTK position Lady Governess suggested for the emotionally charged stuff, but R isn't very fond of it.