I've been struggling lots to stay in place for a spanking. My spanker and I have found that an effective spanking eventually gets me to break down sobbing. When we've tried doing it over the lap or by having me bend over something, I'm just not able to hold myself in place enough for him to deliver the intensity needed. My hands fly back, I roll over, sit down....Self-preservation takes over, even if I know on some level that I need the spanking.
It was my frustration with my inability to stay in place for long enough to get to tears that made us choose to use restraints.
There have been two recent punishments that happened using restraints. For the first, I knelt in front of the futon, and my wrists were tied to the frame. What I found most difficult about this position was something about having my arms spread apart. He spread my arms far apart from each other so I would be unable to move back to sit down, and this was effective, but also made me much closer to breaking down even before the first swat come. My hands being so separated seemed to give me a sense of....no ground? no comfort? It felt so isolated and scary. But it brought me to tears fairly quickly, because it was like my ability to self-soothe was removed.
For the last spanking, we thought that it might work even better if my hands and my ankles were both tied to the futon, so he did that, and had me in a standing position bent way over. This time, he restrained my hands to the frame but closer together, so that I could theoretically clasp them together. He understood the import of having my hands tied apart from one another. This time, however, my ankles were tied to separate posts of the frame, so they were far apart, and I was bent quite far over in a standing position. This made it hard to really "sink" into tears as I'd done the time before.
I thought and my discpilinarian thought that having me bent over in this position would make the spanking more effective and over with more quickly. I had also ordered a heavy wooden paddle with holes (how thoughtful of me, right?), and this was the paddle's first real debut.
And it was Way. Too. Intense.
I"m not sure if it was the paddle or the bent over position or being totally immobilized or the holes in the paddle or what......
he wasn't hitting at anywhere near full strength.
But it didn't lead me to those tears I get when the pain is overwhelming and I go into catharsis.
It made me *scream*.
He stopped after a bit, and we both waited for the tears to come.
But I tend to guard against tears pretty strongly, even under intense pain, and it seems to take a fast hard volley of swats with no reprieve to get me to tears -- but this paddle, in this position -- way too much. So we stopped there.
I noticed the next day that I felt almost traumatized by this punishment, though talking it over with the disciplinarian made me feel much safer around him. He apologized, said that he was trying to be effective quickly, and I conceded that it was me who suggested bondage to keep me in place, and it was I that ordered the paddle! So neither of us could have known in advance how this would play out.
He says that the next spanking will be more like the time before this last one, like the one I first described -- but with hands closer together.
I liked the idea of the bent over completely immobilized spanking. But in reality -- just too much, I guess.
I think I just wanted to write that out, see if others have had experience with implements or punishment that somehow were too severe and maybe didn't give the desired effect.
Maybe this paddling would have brought me to tears, if he'd continued? But I think it's probably good that we stopped. I explained to him that wailing loudly and screaming are two very different things for me.
Thanks for listening!