I had my father over to lunch yesterday, after 9 months of not seeing him because he upsets me so. It was all fine on the surface, as I always know how to keep him sweet, but that's the unfortunate bit. Inside, I am a writhing mass of rage and pain at his inadequacy as a father. He is rich, selfish and unconcerned about me at all, unless I can tick any of the boxes marked "achievements" that he has in his head. T met him for the first time. And my bottom met T's hand - a lot - as he tried to help me through it. It's so hard not to act out my feelings with him.
And last night I really pushed the boundaries. Until T said "so you want the hairbrush in the morning, then..." I shut up immediately and went to sleep. But I'm groggy and grumpy this morning. And I don't know how to avoid it coming out.... Arggg!
Maybe writing this will help me hold onto myself. I do hope so, the hairbrush is the worst thing for me.... and he loves to use it.