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Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 2:11 am
by blackbird
I had my father over to lunch yesterday, after 9 months of not seeing him because he upsets me so. It was all fine on the surface, as I always know how to keep him sweet, but that's the unfortunate bit. Inside, I am a writhing mass of rage and pain at his inadequacy as a father. He is rich, selfish and unconcerned about me at all, unless I can tick any of the boxes marked "achievements" that he has in his head. T met him for the first time. And my bottom met T's hand - a lot - as he tried to help me through it. It's so hard not to act out my feelings with him.

And last night I really pushed the boundaries. Until T said "so you want the hairbrush in the morning, then..." I shut up immediately and went to sleep. But I'm groggy and grumpy this morning. And I don't know how to avoid it coming out.... Arggg! :crank:

Maybe writing this will help me hold onto myself. I do hope so, the hairbrush is the worst thing for me.... and he loves to use it.

Blackbird

Re: Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 2:14 pm
by Eayore
I am trying to picture this. What does it look like when you 'act out your feelings'?

Re: Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 3:40 pm
by blackbird
Eayore wrote:I am trying to picture this. What does it look like when you 'act out your feelings'?


Oh Lord! Anything from tears of pain to angry rejection of T, via panic for good measure. It gets to me on such a visceral level, how my father was and is. And now I can't hide anything under a grown-up facade, as I have chosen to go over someone's knee regularly to be punished....

Have avoided dreaded brush so far today though....

Re: Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 8:21 pm
by JigsawAnalogy
I'm glad you managed to avoid the hairbrush (or did you?).

You've got my sympathy on the emotions stuff. I was lucky to have already spent a good amount of time processing through my feelings about childhood stuff before punishment was even a possibility, so I didn't have quite as strong a reaction to interacting with family members. Of course, I also live far enough away from home that we see my family really rarely, so it's easier to deal with it. It helped me a lot when I found ways of expressing my anger/fear/sadness/etc that didn't cause trouble with W.

Re: Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 3:19 am
by blackbird
It's sweet to read a post that I sent a long time ago!! Just want to say that JA is so very right (where IS she...? W, is she ever coming back?)

And to add that I thought I had done much processing of feelings around my father. I had. But TTWD opened up a whole lot more. No hiding, no escape from facing up to the deep defences wrought by abuse. Hmmmm..... It's like Alice going through the Looking Glass - takes me to another internal world. How clever our desires our at revealing the truth of things.....

BB

Re: Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 3:21 am
by blackbird
.... oh..... and I still run from the hairbrush....!! :help:

Re: Plea to self - don't get the hairbrush today!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 2:46 pm
by LadyShriver1
bb...I feel for you! Although my childhood was I guess a bit idyllic, it doesn't change the fact I that sometimes my family infuriates me. E actually helps me out with that sometimes...if I start turning my frustration with them on him, he very calmly says "Is that really directed at me, or is this about your sister?" Most of the time, that's enough to chill me out. If it continues, his escalation is typically a "hmmm, who's going to get spanked over my lap? Certainly not_______." It's hard to argue directly with what I totally know is true, but I am also not usually in a really bad place either.

Hope you are still avoiding that brush...I've considered dreds and/or shaving my head so as to not have a reason to have a brush around here....