Consequences when you don't have consequences

[splorange]

Oooh, meta

This post is part of my long sackcloth and ashes process. I have to put a lot of thought into what I've been doing wrong and readjust my attitude. It's also something i want to put to the board and hopefully get some advice. Background: we had gone a long time without any punishment and our relationship had regressed to where it was before we ever started ttwd. In other words, I was not showing him the respect I should, growing impatient and snapping at him, and putting him down. He in turn was becoming very anxious towards me, eager to please, not taking me to task and putting up with too much. We both have frequent work commitments that take us away - so I'm just home from working at a music festival, and he is about to go away for 2 weeks with the army. In the week where we're both together we had planned to spank every day because we knew there was a lot to address and it had to stay addressed for a couple of weeks. But circumstances conspired against us and we ended up having our first big spanking Tuesday night.

I had earned 165 with the hairbrush for various offences, which we planned to give in one go with some short breaks. I was cooperative but I find that's usually a different thing to feeling submissive - which is what we were going for. I really think the 165 only had the effect of getting me into a submissive mindset. I really didn't feel at all punished. I remember it hurt, I remember being close to tears, and he made me count out loud which helps. But I didn't feel pushed too far. So after a long break, I asked him to start again with another hundred or so. Around halfway through he stopped as he noticed bruising starting to show. We abandoned it for the night, and he decided that from now on, we should never go higher than one hundred in a session.

Next morning he was alarmed at the bruising. I looked over my shoulder and couldn't see properly - just a blur of black. I felt dizzy and thought I was going to throw up. I didn't tell him this, but I was scared - I worried about internal bleeding. I was afraid I'd have to go to the doctor and explain how it had happened. And i didn't know - would my doctor be required to report it to the police? I thought of everything my chief had done for me and what he'd risked to discipline me when I could probably turn around and get him arrested. So I didn't tell him what was worrying me, in case he panicked. In any case, a little later I got a proper look at the bruising in the mirror, and decided it wasn't much. It looks pretty bad now, but I think it's fine.

The trouble was that by letting it go for so long, we'd regressed like crazy which is what required such a harsh punishment in the first place. I should have tried harder to submit to him, even when he wasn't topping me. I also know that punishments are never going to be frequent, so what happens when our new barrier of 100 isn't enough? Chief think non-physical punishments are pointless, so my suggestions of lines, withdrawal of privileges etc weren't taken up. He did seem slightly inclined towards lines with the paper taped to the wall and corner time, so there's hope. Does anyone know any physically painful but non-spanking punishments? We're not going to do anything anally so I'd prefer nobody suggests those, thanks.

I'm also so happy with the change in him since this happened. He did get a fright and so at first his response wasn't positive, but now he's become much more in control and confident, which is great to see. I hope we can keep it up this time and not slip back.

[JigsawAnalogy]

First, my own experience is that even fairly nasty bruising will go away after a few days or a week. Make sure you're getting all of your vitamins!

My other thought is that switching implements can make a fairly big difference in how long marks last, and experimenting with how your particular bottom responds to different implements and positions might make a difference. A rigid implement like a brush (or paddle or spoon) seems most likely to leave marks, so using something more flexible could help. (Although I will also admit that a cane stroke that wrapped left a small mark for months, but that's not usual. Something like a loopy toy hurts like the dickens, but the marks rarely last more than a week.)

There are positions for corner time that would be painful, and writing lines with paper taped to the wall is pure physical misery after the first half dozen.

I've found that while I do need a fairly intense spanking from time to time, if the goal is rebuilding trust with W, what's more necessary is consistency. No matter how big of a spanking she does, if there isn't a follow-up, it's less useful. Three spankings of 80 strokes each would be more effective than one spanking of 240 for me.

[artlover]

If I understand, you were feeling like you were getting to where you wanted to be, mentally, but were not quite there yet, and so had him keep going. That seems like a great thing, your communicating that you needed more to have the session be a full success. Great communication and interaction. It just sounds like the problem was with the execution. Your poor bottom could not take more of what it was getting.

If you were really close, switching implements and body areas might have worked. Obviously, different people have different views of punishment elsewhere than the bottom (breasts, etc.). Seems like the most common other area to spank is the thighs. Maybe if you moved into a position where he could strap your inner thighs (diaper, say) with a belt or a loopy thing, a small whip, switch or similar implement, it might have got you to where you wanted to be.

That said, from my perspective, that was a heck of a spanking you had already taken. Maybe the best approach is to recognize that you were not quite going to get there that night, no matter what, and like JA suggests, stop and spread it out over consecutive nights.

[bottomhusband]

Splorange,

I have been trying to think of physical punishments that aren't spanking and was wondering if you guys had thought about using exercise as a form of punishment? Squats seem easy but they get hard pretty fast and suck bigtime! We have never used this as a punishment in my relationship but every time I work out I can't help but think about how motivating it would be as a punishment to have to do sit ups, push ups, squats or running stairs. I think this would work well in conjunction with spanking, as you get more exhausted from exercising the spanks will feel worse than normal. Getting punished and working on your cardio! Just a thought.

BH.

[Ice-cream]

I bruise spectacularly when I haven't been spanked for a while. I'm not sure why but the week after a period I tend to mark easily after the break, the week before I barely show a welt.
You can get arnica pills in the health food store that help speed healing and oddly increasing blood flow to the area (clenching) speeds healing too.
You have my sympathy because I worry about those issues too.

This might or might not work for you. Instead of a set number of swats, have a spanking with a mid range implement ( my choice might not be yours) that consists of a warm up, then a faster/harder spanking to take you past your resistance. Does that happen for you? People talk about crying / breaking/ catharsis etc. I haven't a lot of experience to draw on but I have found that there is a point where I sort of give up and let it happen and without over-analysing it, my brain switches into a more submissive state. For me, if the punishment begins then it is very effective psychologically. I'm open at that point. I'm more capable of handling pain at this point ( and I'm sure I've lost every top by now) but there is an incredible emotional vulnerability. I've experienced intense play turning into profoundly effective discipline at this point. If I could convince my husband to approach punishment like this I would be putty in his hands but he tends to come at it hard and heavy, paying too much heed to the physical aspect and not enough to the emotional/ psychological dimension. Now it is obvious from a lot of posts here that this sort of " mathematical" approach, where an infraction equals a specific number of swats, of a specific intensity with a specific intensity, is precisely the kind of consistency a lot of bottoms want and need. My problem is that I'm not consistent in my response each time. Hormones, mood, stress, lack of sleep, all effect how much I can cope with. I'm guessing it takes a high degree of perception on a top's part and a depth of intimacy to "read" a bottom's reactions so well, and we are in the early stages of learning each others signals. But it doesn't necessarily take a huge number of swats to get to the point I've described ( or that could just be me ). I freely admit that our journey to dd started in an exploration of bdsm and our kind of discipline is part play, part punishment. So I understand that this might not suit you at all, but I'm putting it out there as an alternative to the bootcamp type principle of reconnecting through harder longer tougher sessions.

As far as physical non-spanking punishments one that works extremely effectively between us is (blush) nipple pinching. Being told sternly to look him in the eye while he squeezes, puts me in my place very quickly. It has the advantage of being possible, with discretion in public. My husband can literally stop me in my tracks with a tiny pinching gesture.

[splorange]

[artlover]

"Last night we had a beautiful session when I lay across his lap as he told me what he expected me to do and work on while he's away for the next two weeks. And we both loved that. Over the course of the evening he probably spanked me about 20 times with his hand, and they were really quite effective in a non-chastising way. I think we've turned a corner into something really good."

Ah! I think of those "relational" spankings. They can be harder or softer, but either way, they are wonderful for the relationship. We had a few of those, and they were wonderful.

"I actually really like the idea of nipple pinching! Simple but effective."

I seem to recall someone posting about quiet punishments involving fingernails on the bottom while the person being disciplines lays on her stomach and tries to be quiet. Was that you, JA?

[artlover]

[blackbird]

I'm so glad S, that ttwd is working well for you and the chief. To add to the debate here, T and I favour the improvisational rather than number deciding. The severity of a spanking is denoted by implement. Hairbrush being the worst - and his favourite. Although the cane hovers out of sight as a threat for dire relationship infractions and actually his hand can deliver a level of sting and pain that is hardly eaiser to bear than the brush. But in my MIND, the hairbrush is the ultimate sanction and T saying "am I going to have to tell you to fetch the hairbrush" always stops me in my tracks.
What I also wanted to add was that I got him to explain how he does it the other night, causes me to writhe so quickly usually. (This was after a hairbrushing that had me unable to stay still after 2! He didn't stop there, at all. But each time it was obviously unbearable he let me breathe for 10 seconds.) He demonstrated that rather than letting his hand or the brush follow through with a thud, just as it makes contact with my bottom he stops giving it energy so that the force of his swing isn't driven into me, but radiates into my bottom with immediate and very painful sting. It feels like a much more concentrated explosion in me, but doesn't drive deep into my flesh - so I never bruise, just go a pleasing red. Then he will quite often not let me put my clothes back on fully, so that it's visible to him for the rest of the evening. I find that so lovely, as I stay submissive but also feel loved and desired.

Blackbird

[splorange]

[lana]

Hi splorange

This is a bit off the topic but im curious to know what your user name means or what it stands for?



lana

ps--hope your guy is home soon . my hoh is out of state for 1 week more and i miss him very much too.

[Louise]

personally, I have found non-spanking punishments very useful, being banned from the computer is very effective in my case. It is a pity he is set against them.

But if he is only interested in spanking, perhaps a lighter implement? We have a loopy cane which is very painful but doesn't usually cause bruises.

Louise

[W-Jigsaw'sBoss]

splorange has said she came up with it because nothing rhymes with orange, or something like that.

[splorange]

Thanks W. Yes exactly, though I didn't invent it. It's a joke word that rhymes with orange and is also a specific type of comedy poem. Thanks for your support lana - last night he called me to say he would be doing a 72-hour stint on the ground with the regular army followed by one with the reserves (he regularly has done 24 hours and occasionally 48. 72 is a new one) so I won't hear from him at all for about a week. That's going to be hard for both of us. Hope you're not missing the Gman too much!

Great suggestion Louise, thanks. My chief does keep bringing up canes, and I keep changing the subject...

I think we probably will start onto non-spanking punishments. When I told him I've been known to text while driving (started as reading texts while stopped at traffic lights, and has drifted into texting while stopped, reading while in flow of traffic, and occasionally texting in flow) he started to devise the punishment spanking, then decided that actually the punishment would be not to be spanked for 2 weeks because he was afraid I'd do it just to get spanked. (Side note: I was pretty annoyed by that. I do brat occasionally but that particular argument seems like treating me as a child, and depersonalising me instead of communicating properly. But that's a different point entirely.) Anyway, the final decision there was a computer game ban for 2 weeks (there's one I'm pretty addicted to) and all spankings witheld (is that how that's normally spelt? looks wrong) until after the 2 weeks, when there will be an unspecified augmentation of spankings (multiplied by 2, or one per word texted in the car, or something). I do think that's a good one.

[blackbird]

I find the witholding (now you've got ME wondering about the spelling!) of spankings a bit peverse. I understand the logic, but if the major desire between two people to use them as discpiline is to make the relationship closer and work better, it seems an odd way to go about achieving that. It would just make me resentful and behave worse and worse as spanking is such a release for my negativity and anger. Using the argument that bottoms "like it" is missing the paradox that most of us clearly don't at the time - not at all, it's the effects it brings about that we need/want. Just my thoughts.

Blackbird