This post is part of my long sackcloth and ashes process. I have to put a lot of thought into what I've been doing wrong and readjust my attitude. It's also something i want to put to the board and hopefully get some advice. Background: we had gone a long time without any punishment and our relationship had regressed to where it was before we ever started ttwd. In other words, I was not showing him the respect I should, growing impatient and snapping at him, and putting him down. He in turn was becoming very anxious towards me, eager to please, not taking me to task and putting up with too much. We both have frequent work commitments that take us away - so I'm just home from working at a music festival, and he is about to go away for 2 weeks with the army. In the week where we're both together we had planned to spank every day because we knew there was a lot to address and it had to stay addressed for a couple of weeks. But circumstances conspired against us and we ended up having our first big spanking Tuesday night.
I had earned 165 with the hairbrush for various offences, which we planned to give in one go with some short breaks. I was cooperative but I find that's usually a different thing to feeling submissive - which is what we were going for. I really think the 165 only had the effect of getting me into a submissive mindset. I really didn't feel at all punished. I remember it hurt, I remember being close to tears, and he made me count out loud which helps. But I didn't feel pushed too far. So after a long break, I asked him to start again with another hundred or so. Around halfway through he stopped as he noticed bruising starting to show. We abandoned it for the night, and he decided that from now on, we should never go higher than one hundred in a session.
Next morning he was alarmed at the bruising. I looked over my shoulder and couldn't see properly - just a blur of black. I felt dizzy and thought I was going to throw up. I didn't tell him this, but I was scared - I worried about internal bleeding. I was afraid I'd have to go to the doctor and explain how it had happened. And i didn't know - would my doctor be required to report it to the police? I thought of everything my chief had done for me and what he'd risked to discipline me when I could probably turn around and get him arrested. So I didn't tell him what was worrying me, in case he panicked. In any case, a little later I got a proper look at the bruising in the mirror, and decided it wasn't much. It looks pretty bad now, but I think it's fine.
The trouble was that by letting it go for so long, we'd regressed like crazy which is what required such a harsh punishment in the first place. I should have tried harder to submit to him, even when he wasn't topping me. I also know that punishments are never going to be frequent, so what happens when our new barrier of 100 isn't enough? Chief think non-physical punishments are pointless, so my suggestions of lines, withdrawal of privileges etc weren't taken up. He did seem slightly inclined towards lines with the paper taped to the wall and corner time, so there's hope. Does anyone know any physically painful but non-spanking punishments? We're not going to do anything anally so I'd prefer nobody suggests those, thanks.
I'm also so happy with the change in him since this happened. He did get a fright and so at first his response wasn't positive, but now he's become much more in control and confident, which is great to see. I hope we can keep it up this time and not slip back.
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'
Marni Jackson, 'Pain'