so, odd though it may seem, yesterday i realized that *not* following the rules can be a truer way of respecting w's authority. i'm not talking about breaking them to see if she will follow through.
yesterday, it was a matter of knowing absolutely that, if i broke the rule, she would follow through with the consequence. and then i had a struggle with myself. i really didn't want to follow the rule. i'm not entirely sure what that was about. maybe it was because i was feeling fed up with being good, fed up with being in charge. i needed the reassurance that someone else was in charge... or maybe i really just didn't feel hungry, even though it's a rule to eat lunch, and i was really needing some down time, even though w asked me to do another task for her.
and then, because i'm who i am, i broke two other rules along the way. when i decided not to eat lunch, i felt guilty, and ashamed, and had trouble facing up to the fact with w. i will admit to w now that, a while ago when you realized i hadn't been eating breakfast, and was lying about it, that's also part of why i was lying.
i don't like lying, and i'm not good at it face-to-face. so i had a choice of lying about the meal in my text... or admitting that i hadn't eaten the meal in my text... or not texting. i chose the third. i guess a part of that was that i was still trying to control things. i know that w worries about me, and also, i didn't want to distract her at work by admitting i'd broken a rule. but mostly, i was ashamed that i'd broken a rule when the only reason was that i didn't want to follow it.
but at the same time, i'm proud of myself for being able to have made that choice. allowing myself to just... not be perfect. to not do everything for a good reason. to NOT try my hardest: that's actually harder for me than pushing my damnedest to do everything exactly right. it's terrifying for me to just relax.
so. at that point, three rules broken. but then w said she was tired, and i panicked. how could i possibly allow myself to break the one rule i still had control over (ie, whether or not i did the task), if she was tired? how could i allow myself to add anything on to a day that was already difficult? so i asked her *how* tired she was, trying to gauge whether it would be okay for me to break that rule. and w realized this, and pointed out that it wasn't my place.
i'm realizing now that the correct choice would have been to be willing to accept *her* decision, when she got home, about whether to do the punishment last night, or at some later point. if w is in charge, she has the right to make those choices. i guess i didn't trust that she would make a choice that took care of her (worry about her) and i didn't entirely trust that she will keep loving me if i ask her to do anything she doesn't already want to do (worry about me).
as it turned out, for various reasons in the moment, the punishment *did* end up getting put off until tonight. the funny thing is, it was because *i* needed it, and not w. last night, i had the feeling that she was entirely ready to take care of me, even though she was tired. but in the case of last night, the best way to take care of me was to postpone the punishment.
so. it had to wait until today. this really increased the level of nervousness, because, well, stewing makes things more tender, or something like that.
w got home, and gave me 10 minutes to be ready and in the corner (this is 'cause she's a great person and let me say goodbye to the friend i was chatting with online). so i went to the corner, and she came in, but didn't call me out. and i stood in the corner... and stood in the corner... and stood in the corner some more.
all this time, i was surprised to be focused on things like, oh, my behavior, and how it needed to change, and how i needed to accept w's authority. see, in the past, i've been way more likely to focus on why i thought i shouldn't be in the corner, or how i thought w should do corner time differently, or counting the seconds until i would be released. but this time, i just focused on what i was supposed to be thinking about.
FINALLY, she let me out of the corner, and laid out what the punishment generator had suggested as my punishment, and then told me how she was changing it. i wound up getting an additional TWENTY MINUTES of corner time (i was allowed to sit down, but on one of the little kid chairs we have. nothing puts you into a submissive space like sitting on a chair designed for four year olds... you start to think about how maybe, just maybe, you should stop ACTING like a preschooler....)
then she delivered the spanking: 100 with the strap, followed by 40 with the bath brush. it was painful. it didn't help that i was already regretful and accepting enough that i was crying from the second or third stroke, and w gave hard ones the entire way through. but the funny thing is, when i was able to trust that she was in charge, and submit to her authority, it was so much less triggering than most of the spankings i've had lately. somehow, not resisting, not trying to be in control, took away so much of the fear i've had lately.
and that was followed by what would have been 100 lines of "i must respect w's authority" but, because i reminded her about the lines, was reduced to 90. also, i had the rare delight
of listening to the showtunes channel while i was writing.
so... i guess that's the sordid details, for those who like to get the sordid details.