a work in progress

Yeah. Sometimes, you just want to tell other people about the punishment you got (or gave). Come here for commiseration, or as a way to process through your experiences.

a work in progress

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:57 pm

so, odd though it may seem, yesterday i realized that *not* following the rules can be a truer way of respecting w's authority. i'm not talking about breaking them to see if she will follow through.

yesterday, it was a matter of knowing absolutely that, if i broke the rule, she would follow through with the consequence. and then i had a struggle with myself. i really didn't want to follow the rule. i'm not entirely sure what that was about. maybe it was because i was feeling fed up with being good, fed up with being in charge. i needed the reassurance that someone else was in charge... or maybe i really just didn't feel hungry, even though it's a rule to eat lunch, and i was really needing some down time, even though w asked me to do another task for her.

and then, because i'm who i am, i broke two other rules along the way. when i decided not to eat lunch, i felt guilty, and ashamed, and had trouble facing up to the fact with w. i will admit to w now that, a while ago when you realized i hadn't been eating breakfast, and was lying about it, that's also part of why i was lying.

i don't like lying, and i'm not good at it face-to-face. so i had a choice of lying about the meal in my text... or admitting that i hadn't eaten the meal in my text... or not texting. i chose the third. i guess a part of that was that i was still trying to control things. i know that w worries about me, and also, i didn't want to distract her at work by admitting i'd broken a rule. but mostly, i was ashamed that i'd broken a rule when the only reason was that i didn't want to follow it.

but at the same time, i'm proud of myself for being able to have made that choice. allowing myself to just... not be perfect. to not do everything for a good reason. to NOT try my hardest: that's actually harder for me than pushing my damnedest to do everything exactly right. it's terrifying for me to just relax.

so. at that point, three rules broken. but then w said she was tired, and i panicked. how could i possibly allow myself to break the one rule i still had control over (ie, whether or not i did the task), if she was tired? how could i allow myself to add anything on to a day that was already difficult? so i asked her *how* tired she was, trying to gauge whether it would be okay for me to break that rule. and w realized this, and pointed out that it wasn't my place.

i'm realizing now that the correct choice would have been to be willing to accept *her* decision, when she got home, about whether to do the punishment last night, or at some later point. if w is in charge, she has the right to make those choices. i guess i didn't trust that she would make a choice that took care of her (worry about her) and i didn't entirely trust that she will keep loving me if i ask her to do anything she doesn't already want to do (worry about me).

as it turned out, for various reasons in the moment, the punishment *did* end up getting put off until tonight. the funny thing is, it was because *i* needed it, and not w. last night, i had the feeling that she was entirely ready to take care of me, even though she was tired. but in the case of last night, the best way to take care of me was to postpone the punishment.

so. it had to wait until today. this really increased the level of nervousness, because, well, stewing makes things more tender, or something like that. :)

w got home, and gave me 10 minutes to be ready and in the corner (this is 'cause she's a great person and let me say goodbye to the friend i was chatting with online). so i went to the corner, and she came in, but didn't call me out. and i stood in the corner... and stood in the corner... and stood in the corner some more.

all this time, i was surprised to be focused on things like, oh, my behavior, and how it needed to change, and how i needed to accept w's authority. see, in the past, i've been way more likely to focus on why i thought i shouldn't be in the corner, or how i thought w should do corner time differently, or counting the seconds until i would be released. but this time, i just focused on what i was supposed to be thinking about.

FINALLY, she let me out of the corner, and laid out what the punishment generator had suggested as my punishment, and then told me how she was changing it. i wound up getting an additional TWENTY MINUTES of corner time (i was allowed to sit down, but on one of the little kid chairs we have. nothing puts you into a submissive space like sitting on a chair designed for four year olds... you start to think about how maybe, just maybe, you should stop ACTING like a preschooler....)

then she delivered the spanking: 100 with the strap, followed by 40 with the bath brush. it was painful. it didn't help that i was already regretful and accepting enough that i was crying from the second or third stroke, and w gave hard ones the entire way through. but the funny thing is, when i was able to trust that she was in charge, and submit to her authority, it was so much less triggering than most of the spankings i've had lately. somehow, not resisting, not trying to be in control, took away so much of the fear i've had lately.

and that was followed by what would have been 100 lines of "i must respect w's authority" but, because i reminded her about the lines, was reduced to 90. also, i had the rare delight :dry: of listening to the showtunes channel while i was writing.

so... i guess that's the sordid details, for those who like to get the sordid details. :nanana:
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Re: a work in progress

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:24 pm

She started crying so early in the spanking. I wanted her to know that I heard her crying and acknowledged it but wasn't going to stop. I was also concerned she was going to choke.


So I stopped and told her that she had permission to sit up quickly if she felt like she was choking.

Just wanted to share that. It scared me, for a second. Then I came up with a solution.
W-Jigsaw's Boss

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Re: a work in progress

Postby GF1 » Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:34 am

I like the sordid details. And good job w to figure out a way to get both the safety part and keep the punishment going.
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Re: a work in progress

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Nov 22, 2009 2:13 am

So I stopped and told her that she had permission to sit up quickly if she felt like she was choking.

Just wanted to share that. It scared me, for a second. Then I came up with a solution.



sweetie, just wanted to say: i KNEW i had permission to let you know as soon as anything was wrong. that is a big part of why i trust you enough to be doing this in the first place. i'm very glad that you found a way to keep yourself safe during the process.

@GF1--yeah, don't we all love the sordid details, aside from when they're happening to us....
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Re: a work in progress

Postby Homeatlast » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:17 am

This gave me a 'happy' feeling! Not you getting your butt whipped J - obviously :nanana: - but that you guys have come this far is soooooooo great!

Great big hugs to both of you. Awe and respect too.
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Re: a work in progress

Postby Homeatlast » Sun Nov 22, 2009 4:18 am

Oh yeah and W thank you for letting J say good bye! That was needed :)
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Re: a work in progress

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Nov 22, 2009 8:19 am

Let this be a testament to everyone: this stuff *is* possible to work out. It can be complicated, but it really does work.

And be encouraged: most of you are just one person inside. Think of what it would be like if you had half a dozen resistant teenagers who needed to get brought into line as well, and who could take over your body... and who could even make you believe you were the one doing the resisting, which makes it pretty darned hard to figure out how to stop doing it.

Also, they use your brain, so you would expect you'd know what they're thinking, but you *can't*.... I (we) have absolutely no idea how this DID stuff works, but one factor is that we can only hear each other inside if we talk. Yes, even though they use my brain, I don't entirely know what they're doing with it. And it's hard to admit I'm (we're) that far off of normal. But if Ellis (the part who's been doing a lot of the writing here lately) can admit she's not perfect, I (Cleo) can admit I'm not normal. Thanks, everyone, for being so accepting of me/us that we're able to take the leap of accepting ourselves.

At least for the moment....

Mostly, I just wanted to say, if *we* can pull this off, so can you. And if you're reading this and feeling frustrated about your relationship, please read through posts on this board. Maybe you'll get the chance to skip over some of the really silly hard stuff, if you can see the obvious pitfalls. Of course, there's the fact that everyone has to figure out their own path, but if we can be an example of the messy process, that would be nice.
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Re: a work in progress

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Sun Nov 22, 2009 5:56 pm

Wow. Can I just say thanks so much for posting this? And not just because I like the sordid details (which I do), but also because your submission to W really makes me feel warm and happy inside. Really really happy for you, because I'm hearing...idk, more of something at ease in you than I think I ever have.

And it's doing something in W too...like...whoa, empowering her. Not just to be bossier (though she IS and woohoo, she's a TOPPY top, isn't she??), but...idk, she just SEEMS more at ease with it, able to find solutions, able to put a punishment off for her OR you, and not feel like she's losing authority.

Kudos to both of you. Hugs to both of you.
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Re: a work in progress

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Nov 22, 2009 7:50 pm

thanks... although the really interesting thing is that somehow my submitting to w, and being able to accept that, also opened up the ability for another part of me to *top* w, and for *her* to submit... i suppose one would call that switching. in more than one sense of the word, now that i think of it. :cheesy:
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