Saying hello!

[Eayore]

splorange - sorry for not responding before now, as I have not been checking in at all for some time.

I like what you wrote and it makes a lot of sense to me. I am interested to learn you have a fear of making work phone calls. I tend to avoid using the phone myself, even though I know how useful it can be. In fact, when I think about it I am a lot more relaxed about it these days than I used to be. P has often pushed me to use phone calls at times when I would much rather leave it to her! I can't actually remember if she has ever punished me for this, although I expect she has. In my case it is more a question of procrastination and a little anxiety, rather than the dread or terror you refer to, which I imagine is quite a different thing.

[LadyShriver1]

splorange,

Just reread your post with a little more time to respond...please don't feel insulted when I compare your description to what I do when I work with my horses! I revolve my life around them, so understanding their peace and in-the-moment responses is part of learning to be self-aware for myself.

You were talking about regular discipline for behaviors vs. anxiety based issues. I have to compare this entirely to trailer loading. Some people think a horse just jumps in the trailer, but this is a learned experience and requires a great deal of trust. For me, the key to getting the horse in the trailer has to be to understand what drives the desire not to get in. A horse is a prey animal, so being trapped in a moving box is pretty scary. But each horse that doesn't want to load has a different ulterior motivation.

1) Fear based- I'm going to reassure the horse, or if my attention increases the fear, ignore it completely, while still hanging out by the trailer. Eventually, the horse gets curious when the thing doesn't kill me and heads my way.
2) anxiety from previous bad experiences- definitely gonna ignore the behavior, but over the long term, I might put the horses feed on the edge of the trailer, then a little closer in, until the horse gets in on his own. Any attempt to push him is gonna result in a major fight
3)the "bi-polar" reaction (running in, and then immediately running out)- I use a gentle rope around the horses rump....when they go forward I take the pressure off, when they move backwards I put just enough pressure on to be uncomfortable, but not the try to force anything
4) stubborn or uncooperative- this horse gets a tap on the rump, or two or three if need be...

For those of you who are wondering if I lost my mind.... all I'm saying here, is the concept of what I do with the horse is the same for me....if I'm legitimately afraid of something, spanking or punishing me would just cause me to try to flee the situation, emotionally or physically. But being held, comforted, or sometimes, having E give me the grace of not putting too much pressure on the problem would help...for anxiety too. Sometime I have mixed reactions to rules or the whole concept of ttwd, which is when I need E to stay firm but remind me that I have to consent, and when I do, he's gonna discipline me...and for the straight up "don't wanna, don't care" infractions, he needs to swing away.

Comparing what I see in them often helps me come to grips with the "natural" concept of what I want and experience from ttwd.l

[blackbird]

Lady S

What a FASCINATING way to look at discipline. I am seriously going to base TTWD on getting a horse into a horse box from now on..... Pure genius.....

BB