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This thing we do • View topic - This just isn't working.

This just isn't working.

SpankoNanny, WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Here's a section for those questions about discipline. In this case, we're *all* able to stand in for SpankoNanny, and we are all free to ask questions. Got a problem in your household? Check in to see what our good friend (but our firm, strict, caring friend) SpankoNanny has to say.

Re: This just isn't working.

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Wed Jul 21, 2010 12:37 am

Nic

Sing 'til you're breaking glass
or you're breaking down

~Idina Menzel

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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby G.D. » Wed Jul 21, 2010 1:15 am

GD
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby GF1 » Wed Jul 21, 2010 7:26 pm

What is too harsh or too strict? Well, at the time, having my motorcycle taken away felt too everything. In retrospect, it probably was not and it did get my attention. I have a harder time submitting to the non-physical punishments. A spanking ultimately gives me immediate emotional relief whereas other types of punishment do not.


Oh and other too harsh things the spoon, and the switch, and the lexan paddle and the hairbrush....
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:47 pm

Nic

Sing 'til you're breaking glass
or you're breaking down

~Idina Menzel

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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:27 am

i think submission can be a complicated thing. i know that, in my own relationship, if i'm not feeling heard, it can quickly lead to be being badly triggered when it comes to punishment, which means it achieves quite the opposite of what either i or w want.

this doesn't mean that i don't do my best to submit, and to accept w's decisions as what will happen... but when it comes down to a point where i feel like she hasn't understood what i'm trying to express, that's something that needs to change in order for a punishment to be effective.

with me, obedience that comes against my sense of what's right (healthy) for me is something that doesn't work at all. what's more, i've observed that if w has established authority effectively, it doesn't even occur to me to resist. more than that, even if i have planned on resisting, when she effectively establishes authority, i *don't*. we've come to recognize that if i'm resisting, that means something isn't going right, and it's time to step back and figure out what's wrong.

now, if only we could figure out what it is that w is doing when she effectively establishes authority, so that she would be able to replicate that at will....
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby InControl » Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:31 pm

Last edited by InControl on Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:34 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby Disobedient Girl » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:05 am

Hello IC !!
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:52 am

I know you meant this as a pep talk, IC- but frankly, it feels like a browbeating. Let me sleep on this and reply tmw, okay? Thank you. Things are much better tonight after a lot of processing, and acknowledging things that ARE my responsibility and things that aren't.


"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
:cheesy:
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby InControl » Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:08 am

Hi

Wasn't meant to be browbeating. Just worried about you.

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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby InControl » Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:26 am

Hey....hello back DG!

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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby TryingReallyHard » Sat Aug 07, 2010 12:49 pm

This thread has spelled out a lot of the bumps we're dealing with... would you mind please, sharing some of the solutions you came up with?
~TRH
"The pressure makes us stronger; the struggle makes us hunger.
The hard lessons make the difference, and the difference makes it worth it." -Fireflight
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sat Aug 07, 2010 9:22 pm

Oy. Mostly, we're dealing with it by taking things one day at a time, being as flexible as we can, and hoping for the best.

Right now, we're trying to do less of a system, and I suppose more of an a la carte version of ttwd. Both W and I are dealing with a variety of physical health issues, as well as mental health stuff and just the challenges of daily life (plus the fact that, right now, we have an extra cat and three kittens in an apartment that was just about big enough for the two of us plus *one* cat).

We'll see. I suppose it's mostly been a matter of me changing my expectations, and giving W some room to take things more slowly.

Honestly, I have to admit that we're working on separating my need for discipline from my need for W to be more assertive. Because the fact is, whether or not we're doing ttwd, I need her to be able to make decisions without me telling her what to think, and I **REALLY** need her to stand up for herself and take care of her own needs and to know what's happening inside her own head.

My need for discipline is still there, and getting discipline still helps. But at the same time, I can see how much I was hoping that a lot of the problems I've been having stemmed from a lack of self-discipline, when as it turns out, they are things that are outside of my control. So no amount of punishment from W is going to help me to force myself to do things I can't actually manage. After 36 years of life, I'm maybe possibly starting to accept that I can't make myself do things through sheer force of will, and testing out the possibility of letting myself mess up.

Of course, this is all complicated with some physical health stuff that I will write about elsewhere, possibly not tonight, since I'm not managing to sit up for very long, and my hands are going numb from typing. Darn it.
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:24 pm

Discipline is still going to happen, but in some ways it's going to be way more flexible, and in some ways there's so much more riding on us communicating well, and my being not only assertive, but aware of what JA needs.

I think it's going to be good. I'm feeling more positive about ttwd than anything else right now, that's for sure. Do you want to lay out what's going on for you? We've struggled with this for years, with times that feel smooth and times that feel like we're never going to get it right.

The folks here are amazing. Lay out the problems, and we can start troubleshooting and brainstorming solutions. One thing that can be really helpful is the separate areas for tops and bottoms. Can you encourage your top to join us?


"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
:cheesy:
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby TryingReallyHard » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:51 am

~TRH
"The pressure makes us stronger; the struggle makes us hunger.
The hard lessons make the difference, and the difference makes it worth it." -Fireflight
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Re: This just isn't working.

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:37 pm

I am starting, after all these years, to ASK not TELL.

It makes all the difference.


"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
:cheesy:
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