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This thing we do • View topic - New rules?

New rules?

SpankoNanny, WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Here's a section for those questions about discipline. In this case, we're *all* able to stand in for SpankoNanny, and we are all free to ask questions. Got a problem in your household? Check in to see what our good friend (but our firm, strict, caring friend) SpankoNanny has to say.

New rules?

Postby DaddysLucy » Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:19 am

Dear SpankoNanny,

Is it topping from the bottom for me to suggest a new rule? I am a) craving a little more structure and b) trying to be proactive about handling my anxiety, and I think that eating breakfast every day would help my anxiety. But I never eat breakfast. Really, ever. So if I am going to do that regularly, it does need to be a rule. But is suggesting a new rule... okay?

Thanks, SpankoNanny!

Lucy
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Re: New rules?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:52 pm

well, i personally rarely find the phrase "topping from the bottom" to have much to do with what goes on in my own relationship. it's the kind of thing you'd probably want to discuss with your partner, because if the other party feels strongly about things like that, then my advice won't be very appropriate.

in the case of my own relationship, i'm the one who has suggested the majority of the rules. that's not about topping, it's about this whole discipline thing (in my relationship) being a joint effort.

i think it's necessary and healthy to communicate about things. i'm not saying go and tell him that he *has* to enforce a particular rule, in a particular way. but to say that you would like help with something, that seems like a natural part of what you'd want to do.

just my opinion.
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Re: New rules?

Postby DaddysLucy » Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:21 pm

That was helpful. We've talked about it, and breakfast is not a rule yet, but it is one he is taking under advisement.

I think I was concerned about "topping from the bottom" because I was sort of on an emotional rollercoaster last week and needing/ asking for/ acting out in order to get a LOT of spankings, so this week he has been trying to rein me in a little more. He says things like, "Who decides when you get a spanking? Who decided how hard?", etc. (as he uses my least favorite implements for what, in my opinion, is way too long! My bottom needs a break, people! :rubbutt: )

So in that context, I was afraid he would see this suggestion as something... what... I don't know, not the way I intended it? But I think it's okay.
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Re: New rules?

Postby Shahrazad » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:06 am

I know this is a bit late, but I think suggesting new rules need not be "topping from the bottom". You are asking your partner to help you developing a habit that is beneficial to you. So as I assume he loves you and wants to help you become the best you can, why woul he want anything but to help you in that?

Be respectful and tell him what you think, tell him you think you would benefit from that rule, then leave it to him to implement the rule or not.

In my opinion, respectful suggestions from bottoms are a good thing. What do the tops here think?
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Re: New rules?

Postby Eayore » Tue Oct 21, 2008 5:11 pm

That is very well put. Good point!
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Re: New rules?

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Oct 25, 2008 3:52 pm

I thnk JA said this all already but in our situation, since the system is in place bc JA wants it there, it is IMPERATIVE ithat she give me information about what is useful, what works, what she wants.

If she decided to tell me that a good rule was that she gets an ice cream sundae every day, then I would have to make a decision, as the top, that that was not actually going to be good for her.

Suggesting a rule is a suggestion. A top does what they will with that suggestion.


"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
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Re: New rules?

Postby DaddysLucy » Wed Nov 12, 2008 10:31 am

I've been better about suggesting rules I think I need. For example, we have brought back the daily email journal when we are apart during the week, at my request. We've also instituted some rules to help with my anxiety and jealousy, but those have been less at my suggestion and more a collaboration as stressors came up.
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Re: New rules?

Postby timsbrat » Tue Jan 26, 2010 1:35 pm

This thread was very help full to me also, because I was wondering the same things about rules that I realy need to structure my life. So thank you for the replys.
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Re: New rules?

Postby YamahaBrat » Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:06 pm

My husband is generally pretty open to suggestions from me, as long as I don't flood him with them all at once. One thing he's very particular about, though, is that I am only allowed to make suggestions when I DON'T have a spanking coming and certainly not while in the midst of one. That makes sense to me.

Earlier this week, he tried out a new paddle that he'd made. It felt like he was hitting me with a brick! I don't like it at all. It's very thick but narrow and short, so all the force hits on one spot. After about 5 whacks I was begging for mercy (which he granted). I then proceeded to gripe about how much I hated that paddle, it hurts too much, blah, blah, blah. He started to pull away emotionally (hmmmm...this is what caused him to STOP spanking me in the first place) and said fine, he wouldn't use it again. I realized what was happening and apologized. I asked him to punish me for behaving that way (which he did the next morning) and if he thought that maybe a new rule was in order. Since he does want my feedback, I can still give it. But we agreed that I am not permitted to provide negative feedback for at least an hour AFTER a spanking. I find that an hour after it's over, I still may not like that paddle, but I'm less likely to go on and on about it and I can be more objective. I still don't like that paddle at all, but I do think he should still use it if he feels it is needed.
Learning to Behave,
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Re: New rules?

Postby Eayore » Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:06 pm

That sounds like a very good rule indeed.

By the way you have my sympathies about being hit by something which feels like a brick. Just not nice at all.
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Re: New rules?

Postby evelocke » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:04 am

How is it that you choose the item you are being spanked with? Isn't that up to the top?
And I was wondering, isn't spanking supposed to hurt like hell? From what you are saying about the brick thing (which sounds very painful), it hurt like it was supposed to...right?

I guess what I'm asking is, even if it hurts over your limit and threshold and you feel like you are being beat with the hardest object in existence, shouldn't you just take it from your top and work through it? Or, as a bottom, am I allowed to veto objects?

Totally new to this, just trying to understand:)
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Re: New rules?

Postby Disobedient Girl » Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:03 pm

I think most strongly a bottom can veto anything. The rules, the consequences; all of it. This is different from squirming out of consequences once the rules are established. Some people like to ask for punishment they feel they deserved, others prefer it all to come from the top. If there is no veto, no consensus then what stops the whole thing from descending into control and fear? What helps the top to feel part of a loving framework rather than a lonely exercise in power?

What do other bottoms and tops think?
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Re: New rules?

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:06 pm

I think this is something that will vary from couple to couple. In my experience, most ALL tops want information about how something feels to their bottom. They would want to know if something "hurts like a brick" so they can make a fully informed decision about whether or not to use it. And it will vary from couple to couple whether the bottom has veto power.

In a more D/s or M/s type relationship, the bottom is not likely to have much, if any, veto power. The bottom's choice is to consent to discipline/authority, or to leave (or stop doing ttwd). They don't always have ANY choice about what shape ttwd takes. But they CONSENT to being in a relationship with those power dynamics.

I think many ppl here on the board are more on the domestic discipline side of the spectrum and less the M/s side of the spectrum. In those forms of ttwd, I think a bottom has much more say over implements and punishments in general. Also, the fact that a lot of us bottoms "convinced" our tops to do ttwd, and have tops who knew nothing about it before we introduced them to it, has an affect (I think) on the shape of the power dynamic.

For me, it's a bit of a cross between the two. In reality, S cares a great deal what I think, and I could probably veto pretty much any object. In my opinion, though, that's because S CHOOSES to care what I have to say. Based on what I've consented to, and the power exchange between us, she isn't under (in my opinion, though not so much hers, I think) any OBLIGATION to consider my opinion. My choice is to revoke my consent to ttwd and call it off.

Also, there's other elements that come into play. Yes, a spanking is supposed to hurt, and be miserable. There are some implements that hurt in a...I don't know how to say it, like a wrong way, that makes me feel like I CAN'T take it. S could listen to that and stop spanking me with it--or she might use it just for real serious offenses. And sometimes, even though we're just supposed to take it, sometimes humanity gets in the way. Sometimes, once these tops get rolling on their own, they'll sometimes spank us when we don't think we deserve it, or more/harder than we think we've really earned. And then suddenly, all that great stuff about submission goes right out the window, and we just want to try to make that stop, or at least not happen again! :weasel:
Nic

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or you're breaking down

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Re: New rules?

Postby evelocke » Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:34 pm

Thank-you Nic, what you said helps a lot
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Re: New rules?

Postby Eayore » Sat Feb 27, 2010 9:40 pm

I find some things make me feel like I am being punished, other things make me feel like I am being 'beaten up'. I don't have a veto, but I can give my feedback about what is and isn't effective.
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