Dilemna

SpankoNanny, WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Here's a section for those questions about discipline. In this case, we're *all* able to stand in for SpankoNanny, and we are all free to ask questions. Got a problem in your household? Check in to see what our good friend (but our firm, strict, caring friend) SpankoNanny has to say.

Re: Dilemna

Postby Meg » Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:35 pm

Well, we had the chance to test the new apology structure today, really for the first time on a serious incident. There have been some minor issues since...that the structure seemed to work for that...but nothing all that serious yet.

Today, a situation arose that was very, very similar to the one that started this whole thread. It was a work related thing. I was out of the office most of the day...before I got on the train back to the office, I got really mad at O about something work related, and I yelled pretty hard at her. We started to fight over the phone. Fortunately, my phone was out of juice, so we actually could not keep the fight going for long. During the train ride, I did call once to see if the issue that needed to be dealt with immediately was taken care of, and it was. At that time, it was still tense. I told O that I was still angry and wasn't ready yet to deal with anything. She told me that this was ok.

On the train, I was able to think through things. I was frustrated because I have been pretty much getting spanked daily for the past several days...mostly minor spankings for minor things (it might be that it is just that time of the month :blush: ), but I was still getting frustrated. That train of thought stopped when I thought, well, *I* was the one who wanted this whole ttwd thing...so, it is only fair that I should abide by it. I also thought about how, screaming and yelling at each other would not help even the underlying problem...and would only make things worse. I also realized that how I responded to O was pretty inappropriate, and that I could take my punishment....and ask to talk about the underlying issue in a calm, rational manner. So, by the time I made it back to the office, I was much calmer...and fairly contrite.

When I came back, I found O working on the computer issue (which is, in part, what started the problem). I asked her if she wanted to me make a pot of coffee. She said, fairly calmly, yes. Before I could go, she asked me for a hug. After the hug, I apologized and asked her if she would impose discipline. She started looking stressed and upset, and I asked if she wanted me to go make the coffee while she thought about it, and she said yes. Once I started the coffee, and while the coffee was brewing, I came back, and O told me that I yelled at her pretty hard and that this was a "soap-worthy" offense. By our rules, I also get a bedtime spanking if I get soap. Now, that will have to be taken care of at home, so I asked if she could do something now, to help me calm down. She took me to our little kitchen area at the office and strapped my hands.

We decided to order pizza at the office, so we could do some more work...and I could get ready for tomorrow. We also talked about a stopgap measure to take care of the problem that was/is being caused by the computer trouble...which we are implementing tonight, and plan to address the larger computer problem this weekend, which will probably mean moving to the "cloud"...and taking our main laptops in for a "tune-up) (We are both quite nervous about the whole "cloud" thing...but it seems like that will be easier than fixing the broken systems on the network...and will make for less cumbersome procedures.

Anyways...I am not looking forward to the soap and the spanking tonight, but it does beat the alternative, which would have been a several hour fight (at least)...followed by...well....soap, and more severe spanking(s)...and perhaps worse.

So...it looks like the system will work...so that is good. Thanks everyone, for being around to help talk us through these things.

:thanks:

Well...the time allotted to me for posting is done...so, I better get back to work.
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Re: Dilemna

Postby Julia » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:04 pm

Oh my! I am SO very proud of you both! This is excellent news. :mademyday:

Sorry about the :soap: bit though. Poor Amethyst. :blush:
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Re: Dilemna

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Mar 31, 2011 9:17 pm

I'm so glad you guys have a structure in place!!

amethyst wrote: I also thought about how, screaming and yelling at each other would not help even the underlying problem...and would only make things worse. I also realized that how I responded to O was pretty inappropriate, and that I could take my punishment....and ask to talk about the underlying issue in a calm, rational manner. So, by the time I made it back to the office, I was much calmer...and fairly contrite.


This makes me think that the benefit of ttwd isn't so much in the punishments, as that it gives us a structure for coping with things people in any relationship need to cope with. Too bad the soap and spankings model is more effective for some of us than, say, the wine and dark chocolates model, which would be much more fun to experience.
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Re: Dilemna

Postby Meg » Fri Apr 01, 2011 4:06 pm

Thank you, Julia and JA. I survived the :soap: and :paddle: and have a :rubbutt: , :melo: but otherwise, all is well.

This makes me think that the benefit of ttwd isn't so much in the punishments, as that it gives us a structure for coping with things people in any relationship need to cope with.


There *is* something to this...the ttwd model can eliminate the silly, "You're the one who started the fight!" and "I was in a fine mood, until you ....." arguments. Under the model and our rules, O has the right to verbally reprimand me (within my limits), and I am required to be respectful to her. So, following that model...if it starts to get to that point, sooner or later, I'm going to get punished. So...the sooner I just accept that, the sooner we can get that done with that part, and move on to the underlying issues.

Many of the underlying issues can be dispensed with as well, in that I have pretty much agreed that O has the final say at home. She will consult me on the major issues, and many times, on the minor ones, but if we can not agree, it is what she decides. At work, on the professional issues, I need to have the final say...and on the business end of it, we make decisions by agreement. Although, most of the time on the major issues, we *do* agree on most things anyways.

So...all that is really left is the hurt feeling type of issues...which, the model also gives us a mechanism to address, and we can adjust things as necessary as we work through it. Hopefully, by minimizing the time spent in the silly arguments, we can reduce the hurt feelings as well.

The problem is both of us actually remembering to *use* the model and the mechanisms in place.
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