We have a situation here. O authorized me to post this, because she is stumped on this question.
Here is what happened. I snapped at her because of something at work. There is no question that I could have acted better ant that my snapping was out of line. I recognized it pretty quickly, and went to apologize, and accept discipline if O choose, saying, "I'm sorry, I snapped at you." Instead of either accepting my apology and/or imposing discipline, O said in a rather nasty tone, "You should be!" but did not impose any discipline. This has happened before...and pretty much, without fail, escalates me, and this time was no exception. We had a fight...and I started behaving even worse...and, so did she. My behavior was such that, if we just went by my actions, I should be disciplined pretty severely. On the other hand, it does not seem fair, because she was the one who handled things badly, provoking me to escalate...and she escalated as well...saying some pretty nasty things to me in response to the nasty things I said to her.
So here is the question:
1. Do I just get the discipline my original behavior warranted? Which has already happened, but did not make things any better...but they got worse, and I bratted during the punishment. That being said, I did tell her before she imposed the discipline that I wasn't in the space to accept it well, and what she was doing probably wouldn't be very effective (a rather mild spanking), and she imposed it anyways.
2. Do I get the discipline that my behavior deserved on its own merits, without consideration of what O said, did, or did not do? If so, why is is fair? If not, how do we get the dynamic back, without my feeling like I had to brat to get discipline.
Now, I do not think that I was originally bratting. I snapped about something that annoyed me that she did regarding work, and when she refused to either discipline me or accept my apology graciously, it made me very tense and nervous, which is why I escalated. But, it is close enough to bratting that this is what I feel like.
If this matters or helps, we both agree that we both handled things badly.
O is on the side of less discipline, and stopping at the discipline that was already imposed
I am on the side of the more severe discipline.
On the other hand, we both can see the other side, and I need to accept O's decision in the matter.