de-escalate, *then* spank

[JigsawAnalogy]

i guess this post is both a suggestion, and a request for suggestions.

ok. so looking back over the past week, one thing that has stood out for me is the importance of everyone involved in a punishment having a chance to calm down before the punishment is actually given.

i have observed that when w is serious, but no longer angry, she is *much* more effective as a disciplinarian.

but at the same time, i've found that when *i* (or any of my parts) am still angry when a punishment is being given, it is much less effective. and that just wears both of us out.

the problem is, w and i both have trouble coming up with useful ways of helping me/us to de-escalate before the punishment begins. often, putting a punishment off has resulted in a steady escalation until the point when the punishment is scheduled to begin. i think part of that is that i/we have trouble trusting that w is going to follow through if something isn't done immediately.

also, w has a difficult time gauging whether a punishment has been effective, and very often says "you'll get a really hard spanking" and then gives one that (from my end) isn't particularly hard. and this is even when the part really has calmed down quite a lot, and is regretful and ready to accept the punishment. very often, after a spanking, whoever was receiving it thinks afterward, "all that worry and stress about the punishment, but it really wasn't that bad."

now, there is this voice saying, "you just need to decide to submit to w's decision about this, and whether you think a punishment was bad or not, it's up to her." and to a degree, this is true. w is making the decisions, and i need to feel ok with that.

but there's also a degree to which, if i know that the punishment isn't going to be a deterrent... i guess it starts to feel as though we're just going through the motions, and not actually doing discipline. if that makes any sense.

anyhow. what i'm looking for is some ideas about ways of de-escalating before a punishment (of whatever sort) is given. thoughts?

[DaddysLucy]

JA,

Maybe a soft lecture and some time in the corner might help, before the punishment? So when it comes time for punishment, if you or any parts are feeling resentful, or not trusting, you [all] can have an opportunity to calm down and focus on the misbehavior and the upcoming punishment. Maybe if W reminds you/ makes you state why you are being punished, and then puts you in the corner with instructions to breath deeply and think about your behavior and also why punishment is effective and necessary and to remind all parts that you have consented to this, and that this is helpful and this is being done because W loves you and wants to give you what you need, then you will [all] be in a better headspace to accept the punishment, whatever it is.

That's a lot of remembering to do, so maybe a script would help. I know of one disciplinarian who takes notes on what he needs to tell his bottom/ sub in punishment to make it more effective. So maybe a list that has been written down of things to remind you of or ask you when you are in the corner, to help get you to that headspace?

I don't mean time in the corner as part of the punishment, just as a way to calm down and take stock of your emotions, and get them in check. Also, this way if W is angry and not in a place to be an effective disciplinarian because some parts are acting out so badly, the corner can be a place you can go so she can calm down, too. And maybe can act as a punishment to those specific parts. The "naughty, acting out" parts are being punished in the corner, everyone else is taking time to calm down and reflect. Daddy sometimes sends me to the corner or the bedroom for a time-out when I am feeling anxious and just need a few moments to breath and be alone, and it's been helpful for both of us.

I hope this is helpful!

[Eayore]

I have only just caught up with this topic, so apologies I am coming in a bit late.

I must say I agree with Lucy about time out or corner time. Have you tried this, and if so does it work for you both? This is definitely what Nanny Jo would advocate, isn't it? In fact I think her rule-of-thumb is one minute on the naughty chair per year of your age.

To be honest, I don't think we have this problem in our house. I mean I sometimes feel angry when a punishment is just about to be given, but by the time the third stroke of the cane has landed, there is no room in my brain for any other emotion than panic. On the other side, P just doesn't seem to want to punish me when she is really angry. She will just postpone indefinitely until she feels OK, or even cancel the punishment altogether.

She did hit me with the cane when she was angry once, and it's an experience I would not want to repeat (despite my fantasy that this is the best thing that could possibly happen).

[DaddysLucy]

Eayore, how did you feel when she cancelled the punishment?

Daddy and I had a situation like that a few days ago, and it was very distressing to me. Once we talked about it, and he realized I was not going to take that as how he wanted me to, I did get punished, but it was really heartbreaking to feel like he wasn't going to punish me. Like I had broken a rule that was soooo bad that he didn't want to do TTWD with me anymore, or something. It made me feel very insecure.

[Eayore]

As I recall, the first time my wife told me she was going to cane me and then didn't, I felt like an abandoned child. It was just an awful experience. I felt sad, angry and then became very resentful about it.

As this experience was repeated many times, it became a big issue between us. I thought she had no right to do this. On her part, she thought I had no right to demand punishment, and that she was perfectly entitled to change her mind when she wanted to.

Then we drew up a written contract, which specifically said it was her decision when, whether and how to punish me, and if I had any complaints I should put them in writing and offer them to her very respectfully - and then she would decide whether to take any notice of the complaint or not. Although this made it crystal clear where we stood, to be honest I still felt sad and angry when a punishment that I thought had been "promised" was withdrawn.

Just in the past year, something seems to have clicked for me, and I no longer feel sad, angry or resentful when this happens. Actually, I have a feeling it happened since I joined this forum. In my introduction I was talking about how to deal with the problem of resentment. Maybe that set me thinking, and I just decided to stop resenting! I have also started to appreciate how much I value her spontaneity and unpredictability - another idea which has definitely crystallised through my involvement here.

Or maybe it's just the passage of time... we have been in a TTWD relationship for almost 20 years now. We've been through some rocky patches, but the overall trend has been that it gets better over time.

[Naughty butt Nice]

It's great to hear that things do get better over time. Although, the part where you have been doing this for 20 yrs and still have problems could be a bit discouraging if you don't stop think about the fact that we are all humans and nobody is perfect.

It is also great to hear that you have decided to stop resenting. I bet that has helped loads to make TTWD a lot easier.

Congratulations and Continued good luck!

[Eayore]

Thanks for the balloons! Yes we are definitely all human, and I don't feel bad about not reaching perfection yet - I think if you stop having problems you're probably dead.