when your hoh does wrong

[pinecone]

Juliet- I have to agree with Eayore. I would have a hard time doing DD with someone who demanded respect from me and then regularly set a poor example by being mean for no good reason. I don't think I'd be alone in saying that the respect involved in this kind of relationship is actually ideally mutual, even if it's shown in different ways by each partner.

[artlover]

IMO, a top has to be pretty scrupulous about his or her own behavior. I always looked at it as, if I was going to be the kind of guy whose wife is willing to submit to his discipline, I had to exercise a lot of discipline over myself. And not just with respect to topping. When we are doing this, I view my whole relationship differently. Ordinary chores like taking out the garbage, fixing stuff around the house, carrying heavy stuff for my wife, all become something, I don't know, special. Because if you are going to discipline your wife, you better be a very good husband.

That does not mean that tops can never be in the wrong, but I do think it means that as a top, you have to stay mindful of how you are exercising your authority, watching your contributions to the relationship, and in particular, listening to the bottom's concerns about how it is going.

[Meg]

While I agree that the Top in a relationship *does* in fact bear a lot of responsibility and *should* be mindful to set a good example, I think that there is a danger in this in setting *too* high of a standard, particularly in the case the case of a marital, live-in situation, where TTWD is at least in the background all of the time.

If TTWD confined to predetermined "scenes" or set times, it is more than reasonable to expect a Top to be on their best behavior and completely mindful of their Bottom during the set times. On a 24/7 basis, however, I think that this is unrealistic. Tops get cranky, sick, lazy, sad, scared, flighty, depressed, etc., etc., just like the rest of us mere mortals, and there is a difference between a Top being a mere mortal and being irresponsible or abusive. There are also times when Tops need care just like Bottoms. I think that this is some of the challenge as a Bottom in a marital-type relationship...how to be submissive as a general rule, while allowing for the Top to be human.

It is also unrealistic to expect a Bottom to be completely and totally submissive at all times, regardless of what the Top is doing. There is give and take on both sides, and both partners in the relationship must have room to be human. Hence, the need for continuing and constant communication...but also continuing and constant willingness to work together...and to forgive each other when things don't work.

[JigsawAnalogy]

I think both Amethyst and artlover are right.

In my opinion, ttwd works best when both partners become more aware of their behavior and how it affects the other person in the relationship. Tops are no more perfect than anyone else, but I find that my respect for W increases exponentially when she is holding herself to the same standards she holds me to.

Honestly, for me, her saying, "Yeah, I messed up in that situation, and I'm sorry" goes a long way to me being able to trust her authority. It might even be more helpful than if she absolutely never messed up (or, worse, if she never *admitted* she had messed up).