What do I deserve?

[lscountry20]

Just wanted to give a quick update. No, I still have not received my punishment. However, I did share a few of the posts with him, via cut and paste cuz I didn't want him to know what forum I was on. I need a place of my own to get answers.

He said that the punishments are coming, and yes, if I were to repeat an infraction that I have not yet been punished for the prior incident the spanking will come immediately and with full force, no mercy. He did do some practice spanks, clothing on, it stung, no bruises or swelling, and he said that would be about 1/2 the swing he intends to use when he is ready and it will obviously be bare butt. But, he said that I was moving too much, but I couldn't help it, so I imagine he will end up holding my legs down with his leg and he makes me tuck my hands under his lap when I put them over my butt, if one gets loose he holds it behind my back. And he added another incident, so now I'm up to 6. All valid, all serious, and all different.

By the way, do lexan paddles break? He mentioned the second to last incident (the 5th one) he plans to spank me until the paddle breaks. I trust him, he won't cause physical damage, but do they break?

The 5th incident was a really bad incident. I read another poster was suicidal. Its something some of us are born with and we just have to hope God is there when we are attempting to follow through with our plan. There are some people that want attention, there are others that for various reasons have a plan on how we will carry it out, we have a place we go to so we cannot be interrupted, and God willing we talk ourselves out of it and pray no one finds out we went to that place. In my life time this has been about my 10th time that I actually started the process. I hope the spanking hurts enough that there is never a 11th time. He doesn't chase me, he prays, but he knows and checks for the signs when I come back for a hug. I have had a lot of people hurt me, I reverse the pain they caused me, and start believing that it was me that hurt them and that I shouldn't be able to damage anyone else again. Suicide also runs in my family history. We have learned that there is nothing we can do about it, but pray that God helps us fail at it. So if you are suicidal and not looking for attention, remember we can only get to God by dying on his terms, and use him to guide you past your feelings. There is no therapy that can replace God.

Thank you to everyone that posted and shares in my pain of waiting for it to be done and behind me.

[YamahaBrat]

Thank you for sharing that last post with us. There has been suicide in my family (stepdad and stepsister), so I can attest that it can cause a lot of pain in the family. If you ever get feeling that way, please pour your feelings out to someone you trust rather than hurt yourself.

As to whether a lexan paddle can break, I suppose anything CAN break, but I seriously doubt that a lexan paddle will. Lexan is used in NASCAR windshields because of it's reputation of being virtually unbreakable.

[Eayore]

Lexan (apparently) is the stuff they make bullet-proof glass out of, so realistically I don't think he is going to break it over your butt.

I'm quite concerned to hear you were thinking of suicide. I can't really imagine that anyone is literally born with it, though I do believe it can be passed on by example - especially within families.

Spanking aside, I hope you continue to have the strength within yourself to stay away from that place so you can break the cycle. If only for the sake of the people closest to you. Can you identify what it is that drives you to that point?

[lscountry20]

[GF1]

Please call your therapist. Therapists mean it when they ask you to call them.

[lscountry20]

Thanks for your concern, but I don't need my therapist anymore. Its been about 5 years since we have had visits. I know the steps I need to take to keep from proceeding, I just don't want to get to the point where I need to go to those steps. It was just one bad night, when a lot of things were going on and I was overwhelmed. I'm going to get punished for allowing myself to get to the stage of wanting to do it. I agree with getting punished for it, just scared of the spanking I'm going to get.

[Eayore]

My head is spinning right now!

To tell the truth, I don't know if I am helping here... but I am bewildered to hear you don't need that therapist any more, when you have just said you contemplated suicide only a month ago!!! And that was after a long break of 7 years since the previous time!

I firmly believe that spanking can have many benefits but I honestly doubt it can erase deeply ingrained thoughts like the ones you are talking about. Not even if it does last a week.

[JigsawAnalogy]

the fact is, spankings, no matter how hard or long or consistent, just aren't going to get rid of problems. they won't stop you from being suicidal, and they won't solve the problems that make you feel suicidal. they aren't going to solve relationship problems, or personal problems.

they are a tool people can use, but there are a lot of other tools that also need to be used. when the issue is being suicidal, finding a good therapist is probably necessary. if not, you might try reading kate bornstein's book "hello, cruel world." it gives some good ways of thinking about dealing with suicidal urges, and isn't as stupid as so many of the other things i've read about not committing suicide.

[lscountry20]

To those concerned and I appreciate the concern the reason I am not in therapy any more with the problem is that I have learned the steps with my therapist on how to stop when I am in the act of doing it. I did not fully get to the act of doing it a month ago as there were obstacles that prevented me from going to my place. I was left with sitting in my car and was able to overcome the problem while I was waiting for the obstacles to move. Basically, using a lot of the same steps my therapist gave me many years ago, the only part missing was I had not actively started the process. I did seek help the next day, I wanted to go to a lock down facility but when they talked to me on the phone they said that I was no longer in danger and refused to take me. The spanking is to keep me from getting to the feeling that I am worthless. I am not worthless, I am a good mom, daughter, girlfriend, and overall a good person, and when I am rational which is 99.9% of the time, I know that I am all of these things. I am pretty sure the spanking will be for getting to the .1 percent, so next time I am more scared of getting spanked than I am of getting irrational. In therapy you learn that you have to control your destiny, no one else can. I use God because part of my process to stop my plan is talking to someone, he can always be there to listen. My boyfriend knew where I was going, well not where, but he knew and let me go, he trusted I would pull myself together, and when I got back the next morning said there would be consequences.

This somehow became about suicide, that is not the issue. The issue is I did something wrong and he is making me wait for the spanking. His spankings hurt enough that I am pretty confident that I will never go down that path again. I might start, but I weigh my decisions by the consequences, and spanking has worked on things a lot smaller than this. But for this he bought a different paddle, and I'm hearing its very painful, and yet I want it to be done. So I can move on.

[Eayore]

OK, thanks for clarifying. I feel relieved now that I understand what you were saying before. I had thought that only the presence of the police had stopped you from going through with it, but now I get it that if they had not been there you would have gone through the steps you learnt via your therapist.

I fully identify with what you say in your last paragraph, and I hope you don't have to wait much longer, and that it has the desired salutary effect on you.

Really glad to hear you know you are a good mom, daughter, girlfriend, and a good person. I think that comes out from what you have written on this forum to date.

To be totally honest, I am not sure you can scare someone out of being irrational (which is sort of what you seem to be saying, but maybe not what you really mean). Anyway, please let us know how the spanking goes.

[lscountry20]

Eayore,
You're definitely right, you cannot scare someone out of being irrational, the goal would be to make them scared to become irrational. This has worked for us already on some other things that I have been irrational about. Like refusing to talk for hours, I've done it to him and I've done it to my kids. Now when I know I am not talking I think about the consequences, I watch for signals that I am carrying my anger to far and if he mentions that I'm not talking and I instantly start talking. That spanking was very painful, yet it has been highly successful. I don't want that spanking again.

When someone is irrational you just need to make sure they are safe, that's about the only thing you can do. If you can get close enough without getting injured, hold them. They have to let their brain figure it out. When they are back to a rational state, discuss how they got to the irrational state...carefully. If they can't figure it out, then you need a therapist.

[Eayore]

That is nicely put.

[BickaBecka]

I realise this is something that's not quite addressing the topic, but it seemed important to share it. My "anti suicidal thoughts" if you will.

First, GD once told me "If you kill yourself, you will be in so much trouble!". I find it almost amusing, but it has the effect of both cheering me up, and reminding me of someone I love.

Second, I think about extreme alternatives. I could go and live on a sub antarctic island. I could buy a boat and sail around the world. Ways of getting away from an extremely depressing situation. Sound extreme? Maybe, but better than suicide!

[lscountry20]

Again, I really appreciate the concern about the suicidal thoughts. These are moments of being totally irrational where the family unit/boyfriend have seemed to push me into a feeling of causing them emotional pain. Obviously, its an irrational moment because I do a lot of the family and my boyfriend, they all love me and care about me. I have a plan for suicide, but I also have a plan to sit down and contemplate what I am about to do, its included in my plan - so during the 30 minute contemplation window of time, I rationally conclude that I cannot complete it because then I cannot go to heaven. I have a son, a father, a grandpa and many friends waiting for me there. So, if you are suicidal and have a plan as to how you would do it, add a process in your plan to think about what you are about to do and if it will accomplish what you want out of life. Some people are suicidal for attention, they are looking for someone to bail them out of their problems. My grandma was this way. I have several relatives that have committed suicide, one went as far as planning her funeral, laying out the clothes she was going to where, wrote final letters to her immediate family and sisters - I don't know why the funeral home didn't question her more, she picked her coffin, flowers, and location to be buried and went home and did it. I honestly believe that some people are just predispositioned to have suicidal tendencies - those that have a strong belief that there is somewhere else they are supposed to be. Until about 10 years ago, I never told any one that I had wanted to do it. I am so thankful my therapist gave me a plan that should help me stop myself. But, I need to quit going to that moment of irrationality. My boyfriend agrees that a spanking can help with this, his fear has been that he won't do a good enough job. But there have been other spankings that he has given me that have changed the way I handle frustration/anger. He tested the lexan paddle a little last week, clothes on, it hurt, but he didn't like when I mentioned the next day that my butt wasn't red or bruised. He wasn't really punishing me, but testing how it would work. The lexan paddle stung quite a bit, I wasn't able to hold still. He said he would fix that problem. He is quite strong, so I have no doubts. I also know that if this paddle doesn't leave a lasting impression for a few days, he will pull out the other paddle that has proven to leave my butt swolen and bruised a bit. At least he sees that I am sitting with caution and then he is pleased with is work.

Question: For those that have been spanked with a lexan paddle, are you sore for a couple of days? Does it leave marks? I know it stings, and I still had pants on. I won't get that option during the punishment.

[Eayore]

I have been spanked with a lexan paddle (with holes). It hurt. I would say it kind of burns. It didn't leave me sore for long, as far as I can remember - certainly not for more than a few hours.

I think the most I got was 15 to 20 swats. P said it hurt her wrist so she didn't want to go on and on. If your boyfriend doesn't mind doing that, then I imagine it will bruise eventually. By that time (if you are anything like me) you may be 'high as a kite' on endorphins... so you could start to feel powerful, satisfied, and very very grateful to your boyfriend for taking the trouble to deal with your past misdemeanors. Or maybe that is just me.

Although I don't really like the idea of getting spanked to a point where I am actually enjoying it, I do think this may be a good way to change my perspective on something important in my life where I have got stuck in an unhelpful though process.

Equally, if you want to have a fear of consequences in future, I think a good spanking with a lexan paddle can provide plenty of that.

By the way, I really like the steps you added to your suicide plan. That sounds like great advice.