strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Whether we call it "domestic discipline" or "rules" or "structure" or just "getting our needs met." This is a spot for those meta discussions about what it is that we do.

strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby glimmering_girl » Tue May 03, 2011 11:35 am

so yesterday i was talking to one of my bffs about this site. he knows of my feelings about this lifestyle but still doesn't quite understand the lure for me, as truth be told, i am a pushy, dominant person. (don't tell anyone.) the thing is...i don't want to be that person and most of the time that i'm being pushy, well, i just don't realize it. so i was telling him i wanted to be submissive in an online conversation. well, i'll try to play out our conversation on here...

him-ok, i'll dominate you.
me-ok
h-give me your politics
m-well, that's not something i can really give you, this isn't about me becoming a piece of clay for anyone.
h-then you're not really submitting
m-it's not about changing who i am and a good dom would not just take over a person's personality
m-oops, husband's on phone, brb
h-don't answer it
m-too late
h-you don't really want to be submissive
m-well, it's not about me just being ordered around by another's whim

it went on for a little bit with him telling me that this is what it's about and me saying that i don't think it works like that from what i've read and then him apologizing for frustrating me. :weg: so this conversation alone brings up my fears of what the worst could be if my husband and i went into this lifestyle. i love my husband but he tends to be hypercritical and even pushier than me. i worry that pushing him towards this would just give him room to grow in those 2 arenas when no growth is needed there. i also worry from the vantage point that he already takes on so much responsibility that adding more would just overwhelm him.

thoughts about any of this. i guess this is technically 2 topics. a-what is the dd lifestyle really like in your house? b-are my concerns over my husband just completely taking over silly?

btw, the friend i was talking to has been sent links to this site and i'll send him a link to this thread once it's posted. he's not into this lifestyle at all (to him spanking=hitting or striking and he doesn't do that) but i think he always brings up good questions and maybe he'll reg here.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby Desperate4Discipline » Tue May 03, 2011 12:57 pm

Hi GG,

I'm so very new to this, so keep that in mind. My husband and I are taking it slow. Just starting off with a few rules and then growing from there. Maybe you would be more comfortable with that and then see from there where to take it. What I've learned from reading so many boards is that it's different for everyone. Good luck! :teeter:
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby Meg » Tue May 03, 2011 7:17 pm

Hi GG.

With respect to your conversation with your friend, it does not sound like he has any real experience with ttwd, so I would view his observations from that perspective.

First off, you can negotiate the extent of the power exchange, and different people have different arrangements. You can read descriptions of many different ways couples arrange their ttwd practices here, and they all look different. You can decide how much power you wish to relinquish. Now, you are not the only person in the negotiation, so your husband will have his own ideas, and you might have to compromise somewhat....but you have to do that in a marriage anyways, without ttwd. That is why it is important to figure out what you are looking for, which will assist you in your negotiations.

Second, if it is your husband that you want to Top you, I am not sure how he would feel about your asking another man to dominate you even for a conversation. I know that Obsidian would not want anyone else Topping me without her permission, and the times that she has allowed it, the person has asked *her* permission, not mine, and it has been in her presence, usually because the other person was showing her something. Of course, your arrangement with your husband may be different.

As to your concerns about your husband if he started really Topping you, I understand them. That was my fear, too. I was also afraid that I would become wimpy and weak. I will tell you that my experience has been exactly the opposite. When ttwd is working, Obsidian has actually become MORE tender and loving towards me on a day to day basis, and she is particularly tender with me AFTER an effective punishment. Honestly, I probably get my way MORE under this arrangement, because Obsidian likes to be indulgent with me when I am respectful and ask for things in a respectful manner.

The biggest change is the way we both communicate with each other when ttwd is working well. Rather than *tell* Obsidian what I am doing, I am learning to *ask* permission. Obsidian is learning to directly *tell* me what she wants from me, rather than hinting or just criticizing. Fairly recently, she has started to *train* me in how she wants certain things done, which is a vast improvement from her letting me do something and then making comments about how she didn't like what I did.

Good luck!
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby glimmering_girl » Tue May 03, 2011 7:29 pm

amethyst wrote:The biggest change is the way we both communicate with each other when ttwd is working well. Rather than *tell* Obsidian what I am doing, I am learning to *ask* permission. Obsidian is learning to directly *tell* me what she wants from me, rather than hinting or just criticizing. Fairly recently, she has started to *train* me in how she wants certain things done, which is a vast improvement from her letting me do something and then making comments about how she didn't like what I did.

Good luck!

this last part is potentially the most interesting to me and i'm pretty sure my husband would agree. as far as the conversation, well, that was play. regardless, my husband wouldn't like it and i do overstep the boundaries of what is flirtation and what is taking it too far sometimes, just recently actually that led to an argument and me finding this board.

i'm trying to figure out how to ask my husband to read this board. in the past when i have sent him to spanking related sites, his interest is minimal at best and doesn't go past the first few sentences. that's part of why i am trying to be pretty active here, so i can work out some of what i want and then send him here on a day that he has the time to focus on it so that we can discuss it later. now to find him the time. sigh.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby glimmering_girl » Tue May 03, 2011 7:30 pm

Desperate4Discipline wrote:Hi GG,

I'm so very new to this, so keep that in mind. My husband and I are taking it slow. Just starting off with a few rules and then growing from there. Maybe you would be more comfortable with that and then see from there where to take it. What I've learned from reading so many boards is that it's different for everyone. Good luck! :teeter:

d4d, who chose to start this lifestyle, your or your husband? were you both into spanking before for fantasy at least? one more than the other?
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue May 03, 2011 8:26 pm

glimmering_girl wrote:i'm trying to figure out how to ask my husband to read this board. in the past when i have sent him to spanking related sites, his interest is minimal at best and doesn't go past the first few sentences. that's part of why i am trying to be pretty active here, so i can work out some of what i want and then send him here on a day that he has the time to focus on it so that we can discuss it later. now to find him the time. sigh.


Hmmm. I know I harp on this quite a bit, but I'll say it again: one thing that helped me a *lot* in getting W to read things was having stuff that *I* had written. She was naturally more interested in something written by me than by a stranger, and it gave me a chance to work through what I was thinking and feeling, without it necessarily having to be a face to face conversation.

There was something about the dynamic of me having a blog that worked when I was first talking with her about how I was wanting something more disciplinary rather than (just) spanking for play.

It also gave her some time to think through her own reactions before she was face to face with me, and that probably smoothed the way.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby TryingReallyHard » Tue May 03, 2011 8:50 pm

Hmmmmm.. I want to answer, but at the same time what I'm about to say is true for tt*W*d, and may be completely different for this thing you guys will do.

I'm kinda with your bff. Submitting (again, for us) takes a huge amount of trust and strength. Not sure about the political thing, but if RH said, "Don't answer that," I would trust that he had my/our best interest at heart and I would try to be strong enough to go against my knee-jerk reaction to answer. But again, this is where trust plays a huge part in it for us. He wouldn't tell me not to answer a call that would make trouble for us if missed. It sounds like ignoring your husband's call, especially at your flirtatious bff's demand, would make a world of trouble for you, so your reluctance makes perfect sense to me.

For us, the submission of a very strong, bright, willful* person (me) is a cherished gift to a very strong, brilliant, forceful** person (RH). I don't believe there its a political stance that RH would feel the need to flex his control with. But. If there were, it would be clear to me that if he said he needed my support on it, he (making him happy, backing him, giving him myself) would likely out-rank any political calling I have. Admittedly, this its kinda easy for me to say since we agree on 95% of our beliefs. But if he said, "This thing we believe? I need you to not support it at this time." I would probably be expecting a conversation at some point to explain the world events that lead to the change... But I'd try really hard to follow RH's lead.

Gonna stop now. Kinda feel like I'm talking myself in circles and this horse is dead, meat is plenty tender. (See what I did there? lol With the beating and the dead horse?)



*could be replaced by bitchy, pompous, stubborn
** could be replaced by hardheaded, smartassed, steamrolling
;P
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby glimmering_girl » Tue May 03, 2011 9:18 pm

JigsawAnalogy wrote:
glimmering_girl wrote:i'm trying to figure out how to ask my husband to read this board. in the past when i have sent him to spanking related sites, his interest is minimal at best and doesn't go past the first few sentences. that's part of why i am trying to be pretty active here, so i can work out some of what i want and then send him here on a day that he has the time to focus on it so that we can discuss it later. now to find him the time. sigh.


Hmmm. I know I harp on this quite a bit, but I'll say it again: one thing that helped me a *lot* in getting W to read things was having stuff that *I* had written. She was naturally more interested in something written by me than by a stranger, and it gave me a chance to work through what I was thinking and feeling, without it necessarily having to be a face to face conversation.

There was something about the dynamic of me having a blog that worked when I was first talking with her about how I was wanting something more disciplinary rather than (just) spanking for play.

It also gave her some time to think through her own reactions before she was face to face with me, and that probably smoothed the way.

that's exactly how i figure i will snare him. he likes seeing me ramble on. likes reading what i'm thinking because somehow this is usually more to the point than me telling him. i have a blog but haven't posted on it for a while and i had enough readers who were family that i couldn't be discussing this in front of them. and even to myself, it's nice to get feedback rather than having this all floating around my noggin all alone.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby Desperate4Discipline » Wed May 04, 2011 12:16 am

d4d, who chose to start this lifestyle, your or your husband? were you both into spanking before for fantasy at least? one more than the other?


We had done some play spanking but very vanilla. Then I found out about TTWD & DD and realized this is what I wanted. He's not totally into it. He's trying, but only because he knows I want it so bad. I will say that the more we do TTWD, the more he seems to like it :-D so I'm hoping it's just a matter of time. I have been trying to get him on here but so far haven't been successful. :grumble:
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed May 04, 2011 6:23 am

glimmering_girl wrote: i have a blog but haven't posted on it for a while and i had enough readers who were family that i couldn't be discussing this in front of them.


I have separate blogs. Not that I've maintained any of my blogs of late, but when I was more active, I kept the ttwd-related stuff on a separate blog. And I'll add my usual plug for the Wordpress blogs you can get if you're a member of either the tops' or bottoms' groups on this board (I wanted an extra step to hopefully avoid spam blogs, but to have it be something people could sign up for on their own). So you could get the feedback you want by cross-posting to the forum, but have something maybe less intimidating for your husband to read (your personal blog, rather than the whole forum). And then he might gradually get lured over to the forum. You never know. :typing:
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby Meg » Wed May 04, 2011 8:34 am

glimmering_girl wrote:this last part is potentially the most interesting to me and i'm pretty sure my husband would agree. as far as the conversation, well, that was play. regardless, my husband wouldn't like it and i do overstep the boundaries of what is flirtation and what is taking it too far sometimes, just recently actually that led to an argument and me finding this board.


See, here is the thing. If what you are looking for is for your husband to be Dominant with you, rather than just spanking you or disciplining you for what *you* want to be disciplined for (not that there is anything wrong with either of those), starting off with disobedience and with flirtation that you know your husband would not like is probably not a good way to start, if this makes sense.

I would not worry about your politics. If you have been married a while, you and your husband know each other's politics, and either you agree or you don't agree, and you likely have already worked that out in your marriage. I was more concerned when your bff was suggesting that you not take your husband's call, not because you would get in trouble, but because your husband might very well see that as disrespectful to him. I know that Obsidian would.

I am glad you are here, regardless of how it happened, but I have a suggestion. Maybe you could approach your husband as if you already had a ttwd agreement in place. In your situation, I would work myself into the most submissive state I could muster, apologize for registering on the board without Obsidian's permission, tell her how much it meant to me, *ask* for permission to continue, and *ask* her to look at the board herself prior to making the decision. It is risky, I know. I also know Obsidian well enough that it is highly unlikely that she would forbid me anything that I felt was helpful to me. I'd probably get punished for coming on the Board without permission in the first place, but she would likely let me stay. After reading the Board to decide to give you approval, he might really like it.

Of course, there is the risk he would say no, and that would be sad.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby glimmering_girl » Wed May 04, 2011 10:20 am

amethyst wrote:
glimmering_girl wrote:this last part is potentially the most interesting to me and i'm pretty sure my husband would agree. as far as the conversation, well, that was play. regardless, my husband wouldn't like it and i do overstep the boundaries of what is flirtation and what is taking it too far sometimes, just recently actually that led to an argument and me finding this board.


See, here is the thing. If what you are looking for is for your husband to be Dominant with you, rather than just spanking you or disciplining you for what *you* want to be disciplined for (not that there is anything wrong with either of those), starting off with disobedience and with flirtation that you know your husband would not like is probably not a good way to start, if this makes sense.

I would not worry about your politics. If you have been married a while, you and your husband know each other's politics, and either you agree or you don't agree, and you likely have already worked that out in your marriage. I was more concerned when your bff was suggesting that you not take your husband's call, not because you would get in trouble, but because your husband might very well see that as disrespectful to him. I know that Obsidian would.

I am glad you are here, regardless of how it happened, but I have a suggestion. Maybe you could approach your husband as if you already had a ttwd agreement in place. In your situation, I would work myself into the most submissive state I could muster, apologize for registering on the board without Obsidian's permission, tell her how much it meant to me, *ask* for permission to continue, and *ask* her to look at the board herself prior to making the decision. It is risky, I know. I also know Obsidian well enough that it is highly unlikely that she would forbid me anything that I felt was helpful to me. I'd probably get punished for coming on the Board without permission in the first place, but she would likely let me stay. After reading the Board to decide to give you approval, he might really like it.

Of course, there is the risk he would say no, and that would be sad.
my friend that was telling me to not answer my husband's call was just kidding, he'd never jeopardize my marriage. as far as the politics, well, my husband and i both lean so left we're lying on the ground together.

i may try your suggestion about just approaching him as if we had this as an agreement. he might even like that might mostly see it as role playing but maybe that's a start for this. great suggestions for this weekend. i might even start off friday night like this. :cow:
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby cras » Wed May 04, 2011 3:02 pm

If you and your husband do agree to do DD together, what I've found to be the most useful for starting out is to find just a few things to work on at first. It helps if you find things that you can both agree on. Talk about why you're doing it, what the reasons are for choosing those few things and make sure you're on the same page. You don't have to hand over the reins entirely to your husband, nor does he have to take up everything all at once. Just jumping straight into 24/7 control DD probably won't work all that well to begin, even if that's what you want to reach eventually. You have to take the steps to get there bit by bit. Starting slow gives you time to ease into things and work out over time what works for the both of you and what doesn't. I can't speak to whether your concerns about your husband taking over control entirely are valid or not since I don't know your husband or how the two of you work as a couple, but it may be something to talk about with him when you're discussing how your DD will work.

DD is different for everyone. You talk it through with your partner. Communication is really the most important part of all this. Sadly, none of us are mind-readers, although it certainly would be nice sometimes (although not all the time, because we'd all get in so much more trouble then).

The thing about your interaction with your friend...it triggered in me memories of being on chat boards with people who were either entirely new to Topping/Domming or who only ever participated in short term interactions, instead of long-term relationship DD. They're unsure and so they go for the full control even though they wouldn't know what to do with it if they got it. Being a submissive doesn't mean being a doormat, not even to your Top/Dom. It doesn't mean giving up your personality or your thoughts and opinions. At least in my opinion it doesn't.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby glimmering_girl » Wed May 04, 2011 9:56 pm

cras wrote:If you and your husband do agree to do DD together, what I've found to be the most useful for starting out is to find just a few things to work on at first. It helps if you find things that you can both agree on. Talk about why you're doing it, what the reasons are for choosing those few things and make sure you're on the same page. You don't have to hand over the reins entirely to your husband, nor does he have to take up everything all at once. Just jumping straight into 24/7 control DD probably won't work all that well to begin, even if that's what you want to reach eventually. You have to take the steps to get there bit by bit. Starting slow gives you time to ease into things and work out over time what works for the both of you and what doesn't. I can't speak to whether your concerns about your husband taking over control entirely are valid or not since I don't know your husband or how the two of you work as a couple, but it may be something to talk about with him when you're discussing how your DD will work.

DD is different for everyone. You talk it through with your partner. Communication is really the most important part of all this. Sadly, none of us are mind-readers, although it certainly would be nice sometimes (although not all the time, because we'd all get in so much more trouble then).

The thing about your interaction with your friend...it triggered in me memories of being on chat boards with people who were either entirely new to Topping/Domming or who only ever participated in short term interactions, instead of long-term relationship DD. They're unsure and so they go for the full control even though they wouldn't know what to do with it if they got it. Being a submissive doesn't mean being a doormat, not even to your Top/Dom. It doesn't mean giving up your personality or your thoughts and opinions. At least in my opinion it doesn't.

great suggestion on the starting with a couple of things.

and you're so right on the last part, it's not his thing at all and as little as i know about this lifestyle, he knows way less. so his impression of what it is isn't actually based on anything besides maybe a fear for me getting in over my head with it.
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Re: strange conversation re: dd lifestyle

Postby Eayore » Fri May 06, 2011 6:29 pm

glimmering_girl wrote:thoughts about any of this. i guess this is technically 2 topics. a-what is the dd lifestyle really like in your house? b-are my concerns over my husband just completely taking over silly?

My thoughts are there is no right or wrong way of doing TTWD; however each of us may have a 'script' in our own head of how things are supposed to happen. For example, in this online conversation you may have had one idea of what being submissive would feel like, while bf had a rather different idea. If your discussion then proceeds along the lines "This is how it works" - "Oh, no it isn't!" then I think the exchange is likely to be frustrating to one or both of you.

To discuss it with your husband, could you perhaps try to share your internal stories of what 'being submissive' means FOR HIM, and FOR YOU. My recommendation would be focus on getting to know each other's ideas, rather than trying to convince the other that one way is objectively correct. Maybe you could give an example of a dominant/submissive scenario you would find really 'hot'; and get him to do the same. Once you have done that, you may realise there are some areas where your stories are similar/overlapping/compatible - and others where you're going to need to steer clear or tread carefully.

As has been said many times over, you will then need to keep communicating probably for the rest of your TTWD lives together, and I think you can never stop learning about your own needs and those of your partner.
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