One of the things I realized for a long, long time was that I had two very distinct sides to me. They are not even opposite, in that opposites usually have a commonality, in that they are opposite sides of the same coin. My two sides are really nothing like each other.
I have a tough, aggressive, no nonsense side and a sweet, submissive side. When I was growing up and all the way up until my mid thirties or so, I nurtured my tough, aggressive side, and tried to minimize or eliminate my sweet, submissive side. Once I started to accept that I was a Bottom (whether BDSM/DD/TTWD), I started to think, consciously and unconsciously, that the new goal was to nurture my sweet, submissive side and to minimize or eliminate my tough, aggressive side. I also thought that in order for that to happen, I would need Obsidian to take over the functions of my tough, aggressive side for me, so that I did not need that side. I also thought that this was necessary because most of my relationship conflicts with Obsidian came from clashes between her and my tough, aggressive side.
I am just now beginning to realize that this is, in fact, a misconception. Yes, TTWD is, in part, about nurturing my sweet, submissive side and allowing it to flourish. On the other hand, I am starting to understand that not only is it impossible to eliminate my tough, aggressive side, but it is unwise to try. For one thing, while my submissive side might be nice and gets along well with Obsidian, that side tends to be a bit lazy and lacks motivation. It is hard for me to get anything accomplished without my aggressive side. Also, no matter how tough Obsidian gets or how secure she is in her role as Top, she can never truly replace my aggressive side, because she is a different person with different gifts and abilities.
I also always thought that Obsidian did not like my aggressive side. I have just found out that this is wrong. She likes this side as much as my submissive side. She just does not like when my aggression gets turned on her
She also wants my aggressive side to learn some manners.
A few months ago, I was also discussing some of my difficulties with communicating my wants and needs, and I was challenged about black and white thinking and the like. I think that it has more to do with my two sides than black and white thinking, per se. My submissive side has a LOT of difficulty with assertiveness, even to the point of knowing my wants and needs. As I stated above, my aggressive side tends to lack manners but does not have any trouble with stating, well, *anything*...including my wants and needs. In daily life, I can balance these two, but TTWD tends to separate these sides for me, so it is hard to balance these two...which would be stating my wants and needs in a polite, submissive way.
So, I guess what I need to do now is to work on assertiveness with my submissive side and manners with my aggressive side. You would think that the two sides could teach each other, but neither side likes the style of the other or feels comfortable using it.