How do you explain DD to the spouse?

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How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby ~*KiKi*~ » Fri Jan 13, 2012 5:27 pm

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this but here goes....

I have been into spanking since I was very young. As I got older I started researching and reading, watching videos and visiting forums. I learned so much about DD and I fell in love. In 'real life' I am an extremely dominant, bossy person. My husband (whom I have known since middle school) knows my bossiness and need for control so when I brought the idea of spanking to him, his first reaction was "yea right! You would never let me do that, you are a control freak' which I know I totally am. But what he doesn't understand is my need to be corrected. He's totally up for the idea but I think he's looking at it wrong. I think he thinks this is more of a sexual, pleasureable, fetish type thing for me (don't get me wrong, the IDEA of being spanked is a total turn on) but what I really want is the 'discipline' aspect of it all. I'm such a control freak it feels good to just let go and have someone else take charge (not to mention totally hot!). I have a pretty bad temper and tend to take it out on him, he has become accustomed to just accepting this and going with it. I don't like that. He is such a sweeheart in 'real life' that he just sits back and let's life go as it does. He's not the type to take control of anything, which is why I guess its hard for him to do so with me. He LOVES the playful/erotic spankings but that doesn't meet my needs like a punishment would. I just don't know how to explain to him that I'm not asking for sexy spankings, I want to be pulled over his knee and spanked until the attitude is gone!

Sorry for rambling, I am just desperate to get my hubby with the program!

How did you explain DD to your spouse? How long did it take to become a 'lifestyle'?
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:05 pm

I suspect this kind of thing varies a *lot* from relationship to relationship. W and I worked up to things slowly, and with a lot of communication. I'm a big believer in talking, writing, and just about anything that works to explain things, and that has made a big difference for us. It also helped W to have a chance to talk with other tops, and get a sense of how other people in the same position felt about things.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby ~*KiKi*~ » Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:56 pm

Thanks for the reply. Guess I'm just going to have to keep talking to him and be patient *sigh*....im not too good at that...
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby Eayore » Sun Jan 15, 2012 12:07 pm

Well, daddysbadgirl20, this sounds like an interesting challenge!

I agree with JA that each case is likely to be different.

In our case, I'd say it took years to become a lifestyle; and then it was only because I was willing to change my own 'mental map' about what the lifestyle should look like, so I could be more in tune with what P was willing to do.

There are possibly some similarities between our situations, although I'd see our dynamic as P (female, and the top) being the more 'bossy' one, while I am the 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy. Interestingly though, I don't think P sees it that way.

If your husband is inclined to sit back and let life go as it does, could it be that the answer is for you to spell out to him exactly what you want? It is probably a very good thing that he is up for the idea in the first place. Have you tried sitting him down and saying, "I'm not asking for sexy spankings, I want to be pulled over your knee and spanked until the attitude is gone"? Then see what he says, and take it from there.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby ~*KiKi*~ » Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:53 pm

:thanks: The past two nights I have seen him reading a blog (not sure if Im allowed to post names or websites on here, so I wont) that goes into great detail of what a DD marriage is all about, so I think he's starting to get it and understand what I want :cheers: I told him yesterday that I was greatful for him being so open-minded about it all and reading up on it to learn (Im so lucky! :) ) As I posted in another thread, I think I may be in for something tonight for a few things I accidentally :oops: did today , so we'll see how it goes! Wish me luck! ;)
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby lana » Mon Jan 16, 2012 6:48 pm

Thats great news! When he sees the results of your improved temper and less bossiness it might be he really embraces the idea of DD.
My hoh thinks it would be a good idea for lots of his friends and would not ever want to quit doing it .We are taking a break for 2 weeks to improve my skin condition on one side and there has still been a few warning spanking s on my thighs.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:29 pm

I have observed that a LOT of bottoms are actually bossy, controlling types in the "real world", and need the shift in power for various reasons.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby ~*KiKi*~ » Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:55 pm

W-Jigsaw'sBoss wrote:I have observed that a LOT of bottoms are actually bossy, controlling types in the "real world", and need the shift in power for various reasons.



That makes me feel better, I was beginniing to wonder if I was being unrealistic. Couuld I really be submisive when I'm so bossy in real life?? But thanks for that reasurrance!
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby LadyShriver1 » Fri Feb 03, 2012 11:12 am

If I weren't controlling, I wouldn't need DD! Sounds like things are on the right track. I agree with everyone that each relationship is different, but here were a few things from my "starting out" experiences. E was definitely a little weird about everything at first, although intrigued.

He seemed to have two main issues: Getting over the abuse persona (plus fear that he would actually hurt me), and fear that in the middle of the whole thing I would suddenly get mad and change my mind at him, and he would lose me.

A whole lot of communication helped with the second issue, and he's steadily gotten more confident. Last night he actually used the words, "I'm just reminding you that I CAN and I WILL spank you if you need it. Do you need it?" Which, for the record, was a far cry from his first DD situation of "So, is this like, one of those times where I could...ya know...give you a swat or two? Not too hard, though." We got to that place by continuosly talking about it, and me encouraging him when he was more dominant.

As for the first issue, the fear of being an "abuser", that also involved communication, but mostly practice! The actual act of putting me over his knee started getting easier when we literally practiced it a few times so that it wouldn't feel so strange. But even a year into this he still asks me a lot after the fact if it was too hard (side note: it has never been too hard!) and I'm constantly re-assuring him that he has never really hurt me.

Good luck, and keep talking!
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Feb 04, 2012 10:25 am

I really like that phrase- "Good luck and keep talking". I may have to steal it for a sigfile.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby ~*KiKi*~ » Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:54 pm

Ladyshriver, yes! Exactly! That's how he was in the very beginning, worrying about *really* hurting me or me resenting him for it. I think he has finally gotten past the first issuse completely, for one because he knows how much I can take before he really starts hurting me unfairly and two because he LOVES doing it.

The only standing issue is a little bit of the 'is this the right time to spank' kinda moment, as I explained in my thread about punishing when its 'that time of month', and a lot of 'you haven't done anything to deserve a spanking'. Its been about a month now since my last spanking and I'm getting frustrated.

When we started this back up I had immediately done something (not intentionaly) to deserve a punishment, not two days later I had broken a rule that we had *just* discussed (in my thread "he tricked me") and got another punishment spanking. When those two happened in the same week I got a little excited thinking this was finally it and we were transitioning into the 'lifestyle'. Well like I said, that was a month ago and I have gotten nothing since. He mentioned making Friday nights maintenance nights but that never happened, I asked if he had just pushed it aside again and forgotten about it, he said no he actually thinks about it everyday but he thinks to himself "but she has just been so good", he doesn't have a reason to spank me. And its not like I want to intentionaly break a rule to get it, because not only is the main rule a safety concern and I obviosuly don't want to endanger myself, but it would just feel so fake to get spanked for purposely bratting. I'm trying to be patient, obviously we are still new and he has yet to implement daily/weekly spankings, I'm just anxious to get to that point!
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby Eayore » Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:58 pm

I find that most interesting.

If I ever get to the point where not being spanked is because I have "just been so good", I think it will be something I'd want to celebrate. Although I do 'need' spanking, I have a fundamental belief underneath this about wanting to get better as a person.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby artlover » Tue Feb 07, 2012 12:09 am

"He mentioned making Friday nights maintenance nights but that never happened, I asked if he had just pushed it aside again and forgotten about it, he said no he actually thinks about it everyday but he thinks to himself "but she has just been so good", he doesn't have a reason to spank me. And its not like I want to intentionaly break a rule to get it, because not only is the main rule a safety concern and I obviosuly don't want to endanger myself, but it would just feel so fake to get spanked for purposely bratting. I'm trying to be patient, obviously we are still new and he has yet to implement daily/weekly spankings, I'm just anxious to get to that point!"

My views on this may be clouded by my own inclinations, as I would love for my wife to want something like this (she is in a pretty vanilla phase at present). Nonetheless, it does sound like you two should try a regular maintenance night. It gets you something more than a play spanking on a regular basis, and it takes a lot of pressure off both of you: you don't need to give him a reason to spank you, and he does not need to be hyper vigilant to find spankable offenses to give you what you need. He need not be angry with you, or even annoyed, to keep you thoroughly immersed in the ttwd experience you want and need.

I also strongly suspect that once he has you in position, and has started in, he will start to remember this or that thing that happened over the week that might not have occasioned a punishment by itself, but which is he would find worth remaking on during a maintenance spanking, accompanied by a little extra "zing" in the delivery.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby LadyShriver1 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:21 pm

I also find spankings that are the result of "bratting" pretty unfulfilling. I always feel like, even though he holds...ahem...the upper hand... in the actual act, I still feel in control of it. I really like what artlover said about spanking to keep you both immersed in what TTWD is about.

I feel a little bit like a broken record, but again, communication is totally what helped us through this. And by the way, it's still not perfect. There's plenty of times where he's let something go that I wish he wouldn't, or refused to do a weekly maintenance spanking because I've had a hard week or whatever. Still, I've talked a lot about the way I feel when he is following a more firm topping pattern, and when he isn't. Things that have been particularly powerful have been mentioning how much less stressed I feel, or how safe and secure in our relationship. I've also mentioned that the opposite is true: when he's leaving meto be in control or ignoring "bad behavior", I start to worry if we are communicating, and I get overwhelmed with feeling in control. I've found I can remind of him of that without being accusatory, as long as I do it when I'm not mad.

a.k.a

"When we do my maintenance spanking (already implying its gonna happen for sure), do you think we could start over your lap, with you holding me. That realyl reminds me that you are taking charge, and I feel so much less stress afterwards."

as compared to my first few attempts that were more like

"If you've gotta problem with it, why don't you spank me more often? You never do it when you say you're going to, and now it just pisses me off."

While both were effective in getting a good spanking, the first increases his confidence in the fact that he's "doing it right". The second just increases his insecurity, which is the root of times when he isn't engaging in DD wholeheartedly.

Hope that all made sense.
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Re: How do you explain DD to the spouse?

Postby lana » Thu Feb 09, 2012 12:00 am

Hi KiKi
When I told my hoh about how i had gotten spanked for DD by my exbf, he startrd right in from the first with s spanking that was super hard with a looped cord and then with the paddle the next time i saw him.

But him getting the DD part has been a little tougher as far as getting him to slow it down and that a lecture is needed so i know exactly why. Also there was little predictability when we started. Some times hed be very strict and Id get 3 hard discipline spankings in a week and sometimes none for 2 weeks.If there was a bad behavior, it would be bugging me-- wondering when it was going to happen.

It has helped us to start having a spanking night, also called T.E.A. party , (To Est. Authority) at the same night each week where he keeps a list of whats bugged him and spanks me for it on that night.
I still get spanked on the spot for things he thinks cant wait, but there is more evenness of discipline so i know even if he is just mentioning it or giving me the "look", that when he writes it down, it means I am going to pay for it on Tuesday night. Also having to read the list reminds him of how irate he was at me and then the whole thing is less forced which is what id feel like if there was no reason for it other than what day it was.

Hope this helps

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