Question re compromises

Whether we call it "domestic discipline" or "rules" or "structure" or just "getting our needs met." This is a spot for those meta discussions about what it is that we do.

Question re compromises

Postby lana » Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:57 pm

This is a topic that came up from something on another site. It is assuming that youve discovered that discipline is something very important in your life.

Supposing it was clear your SO of some years did have a dislike of spanking you for disciplinary reasons, which compromises would be ok for you? :hmmmmm:
1Be content with the imposition of secondary punishments alone (ct, lines, loss of privs) assuming he/she was wanting the role of HOH?

2Get a mentor online who would discipline you with alternative punishments?

3. Go to a professional or unpaid disciplinarian for only the spankings?

4Be content with role play spankings and spankings for sex alone?

5 Keep trying to discuss DD with the hope that eventually, after she see how you want it
and see the benfits,, he will take to it.

These ones are not a compromise but:
6Give up on thinking she/he will change and enjoy it vicariously,

7Give up on it and try to stop thinking of it entirely. Quit ur DD sites.

8.Look for a new mate who was into it.

Are there any other compromises that would work for you? :thinking: :thinking:

lana
psFor the HOH who wanted this you could asasume the contrary question(ie what if your wife/mate didnt like to be spanked at all.)
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby Nat » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:21 pm

Wow, this is hard. I guess several of them might be a possibility depending on the circumstances.

1Be content with the imposition of secondary punishments alone (ct, lines, loss of privs) assuming he/she was wanting the role of HOH?

If Liz wanted to just punish me with corner time I guess I’d accept that, but it wouldn’t provide the same thing that spankings do. Lines or loss of privileges on their own wouldn't be an option I'd accept.

2Get a mentor online who would discipline you with alternative punishments?

No.

3. Go to a professional or unpaid disciplinarian for only the spankings?

No.

4Be content with role play spankings and spankings for sex alone?

If role play spankings would make her happy I would do it. Recently she introduced a little of what I think of as role play – I didn't exactly like it, but I went along with it.

5 Keep trying to discuss DD with the hope that eventually, after she see how you want it
and see the benfits,, he will take to it.

Yes.

6Give up on thinking she/he will change and enjoy it vicariously,

Maybe, but 7 is a better option.

7Give up on it and try to stop thinking of it entirely. Quit ur DD sites.

I'm absolutely willing to do this if it's necesssary for her to be happy.

8.Look for a new mate who was into it.

Never.

The bottom line for me is that I love the way our relationship is today, and I’m happy that discipline is part of it, but I need Liz way, way more than I need discipline.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby Eayore » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:45 pm

With the way you've expressed it (SO of some years did have a dislike of spanking you for disciplinary reasons), I think option 6 is the one I would go for today.

We have been through this at times when P decided she didn't want to continue. This was generally because she didn't find I was mending my ways as a result of the discipline she was giving me. I have to admit that my response was a combination of 5 and 6 at the time, but now I don't think I would try to talk her into it any more. The spankings come and go, according to her decision - and I am very happy about that. I also try to show they affect the way I behave (whereas in the past, I didn't really do this.)
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Fri Mar 09, 2012 12:37 am

I'm really not sure. With my partner of ten years, there's much more to the relationship than just discipline, so finding a different partner would be off the table for me.

With the rest of it... I think mostly that I'd work at it until we found a compromise that left both of us feeling like we were getting our needs met in the relationship. As much as I would like to think I could live entirely without power exchange in a relationship, I have to admit that it just doesn't work for me. On the other hand, it's possible that I could find ways of meeting the need for power exchange without formal discipline.

For me, though, that power exchange is pretty central to my sexuality--not so much about the particular sex act, but about how I'm wired. In the same way that being a lesbian shapes a lot of non-sex things, the same is true of power exchange, and I wouldn't be a whole person without having it in some way.

So I guess my approach would be working on explaining to my partner what was going on for me, and finding out what was going on for her, and trying to find the place where our needs/desires/inclinations intersect to get the best result for both of us.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby altbob » Fri Mar 09, 2012 8:18 pm

I would add / modify an alternative. Talk to a couples councilor. Its not about them telling you who's wrong, it's about having someone experinced point out alternatives, and help you work out a solution where you see each others needs and can come to a compromise. Until he sees why this is critical to you, and you see why this is a major problem for him, to the point where each of you feels bad about asking the other to give sometning up, you don't understand enough to work out a compromise. That is just my opinion on. I'm a hardcore romantic though.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby bodack » Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:04 pm

altbob wrote:I would add / modify an alternative. Talk to a couples councilor. Its not about them telling you who's wrong, it's about having someone experinced point out alternatives, and help you work out a solution where you see each others needs and can come to a compromise. Until he sees why this is critical to you, and you see why this is a major problem for him, to the point where each of you feels bad about asking the other to give sometning up, you don't understand enough to work out a compromise. That is just my opinion on. I'm a hardcore romantic though.



Good luck with a couples therapist. In the U.S. This thing we do is considered abuse and must be reported to the authorities. There are some kink friendly therapists out there but the majority have been trained to believe that anyone who wants to get a disciplanary spanking has problems with self esteem and that it what needs to be fixed. Any man who spanks his wife has an underlying hatred of women and is a potential murderer.

In Texas and in probably other states there is no expectation of confidentiality. This has changed in the past few years. It used to be that the therapist could reject the subpena but that is not true anymore. So if you end up in a court case the first thing the opposing side is going to do is go after your discussions with your therapist and it is all up to the Judge to determine if it shows up in court.

I speak as someone who is not only a privacy freak but someone who has talked to a number of therapists over the years. Some good, some bad and some who shouldn't even have a license. :crank:
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:58 pm

W and I have talked about discipline with several therapists, and while they might not have understood discipline, they were willing to take us at our word that it's consensual, and helped us with negotiating the deeper relationship issues that were manifesting as problems with discipline.

I think that if one is worried about talking to a therapist about discipline specifically, you and your partner could come up with a code and discuss the issues without necessarily being direct with the therapist. It's not ideal, but it still gives you a space where you can talk things through. W and I found it really helpful to have that third person to help us learn how to communicate more effectively. Now, admittedly, there were issues in our relationship in addition to the problems we were having with discipline, but I suspect that's true for anyone. Therapy gives you a chance to learn how to understand yourself and your partner better, and to learn how to communicate effectively about the things you want and need in the relationship.

And, seriously, we've brought it up with several therapists, and they were all willing to take us at our word that it was consensual and healthy--and the more we talked about the systems we use, the more they were willing to accept that. Really, leaving out the specific punishments, the rest of the structure is kind of an ideal scaffold for improving a relationship (and if it isn't, that might be something a couple would want to work to build anyways!)

I admit that, for a lot of reasons, our relationship is more egalitarian than the taken in hand style, so that might make a difference. I was able to honestly say that W listens to my concerns as much as I listen to hers, and our structure is built to facilitate both of us getting our needs met. So if it's a relationship that aims for one person to always have the power, bodack could be more on track with how a therapist would respond.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby artlover » Sun Mar 18, 2012 9:33 pm

"psFor the HOH who wanted this you could asasume the contrary question(ie what if your wife/mate didnt like to be spanked at all.)"

This is me. My wife has gotten more "vanilla" as time goes on. We had started with some "fun and games" type spankings. Then I suggested we set a couple rules that she really wanted to comply with: going to bed by 10:00 at night, and losing some weight. We kept those up for about a year or so. Initially, she was definitely at least somewhat turned on by it, though not always in a way she would admit to (without getting into too much detail, the physical signs were clear enough). However, she gradually became much less open to it, and eventually rebelled at the whole concept (and stopped trying to follow both of the rules). A month or so ago, we in theory adopted a new rule she will get spanked for breaking. She has to exercise three times a week. She always does, though.

I am fairly laid back, and my wife is a fairly bossy. To be fair, a lot of that is because she is the most administratively competent of the two of us, and being a mother of two small children, keeping track of play dates, school appointments and the like, tends to reinforce bossiness. Her mother was that way, so there is that aspect as well. Disciplining her brought some balance to our relationship. And it also had me VERY into her. I found the whole thing extremely romantic (something I think is pretty apparent from my prior posts). That kind of romance you don't often find in a marriage, not after a few years and a couple kids. People have affairs to feel so "whew!" about a relationship.

And because I would not discipline her unless I was holding up my end of things, I was much better about helping out around the house and things like that when we were doing the discipline.

Still, there is no turning to another person fill the role of spankee. This is far too mixed up with the erotic. It would be like cheating, even if it did not lead to actual cheating, which it probably would.

It is funny, though, to read posts on various forums from women longing for romantically applied discipline, and to think, "somebody like me would be perfect for that." Still, I love my wife, we have two kids, and our relationship is a lot better than many.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby lana » Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:19 pm

Thanks Art lover

I have often thought of that myself when a romantic, authoritive dom type who loved to spank wrote in --like wow! he's exactly what i needed then. Why was i married for many years to a guy who wasnt really very interested in dd and who eventually stopped spanking all together? However, we raised 2 fine boys and i dont regret that time at all now. Also at the beginning I didnt know anything about DD and was not really knowing what i was missing.

My present hoh is pretty strict and dominant (tho not tech a spanko as id define it) and does not hesitate to spank so that submissive side of me is now fulfilled. And i do believe that his enforcing the rules has helped BOTH of us to be more respectful and to keep the relationship romantic. I think it is such a common issue on dd sites (being paired with a nonspanker) that thats the main reason I was curious on how others would deal with it.
Hope some others respond too.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby artlover » Fri Apr 06, 2012 8:31 pm

lana wrote:Thanks Art lover

I have often thought of that myself when a romantic, authoritive dom type who loved to spank wrote in --like wow! he's exactly what i needed then. Why was i married for many years to a guy who wasnt really very interested in dd and who eventually stopped spanking all together? However, we raised 2 fine boys and i dont regret that time at all now. Also at the beginning I didnt know anything about DD and was not really knowing what i was missing.

My present hoh is pretty strict and dominant (tho not tech a spanko as id define it) and does not hesitate to spank so that submissive side of me is now fulfilled. And i do believe that his enforcing the rules has helped BOTH of us to be more respectful and to keep the relationship romantic. I think it is such a common issue on dd sites (being paired with a nonspanker) that thats the main reason I was curious on how others would deal with it.
Hope some others respond too.
lana


It is a very common issue. I believe, however, it is a more intractable issue for the person who wants to be a Top than for the person who wants to be a bottom. It is, IMO, a different thing for a vanilla to be asked to give discipline than to be asked to receive it. I can only speak about hetero relationships, though I doubt it is much different for others, but a man generally wants to make his wife happy. And even from a fairly vanilla perspective, giving a spanking to one's wife has an "naughty" and "politically incorrect" charge to it. Look at all those great old humor cartoons where the husband is spanking the wife for this or that.

A woman want to make her husband happy too, but receiving a real spanking, intended to be real discipline, I think it is harder to do if you are not into it.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby blackbird » Sat Apr 07, 2012 2:49 am

My ex-boyfriend used to spank me for a while, encouraged by me. He got into it quite a lot from the sexual angle and, as an actor, could do do a good job of putting on the "Dom" status but he never understood the paradox of needing/wanting to be punished without actually enjoying the process! He would mock threaten it, and then say "Oh, but I can't spank you as you would enjoy it too much". He was also distinctly uncomfortable with taking control. Actually he was very controlling and opinionated in life, but stopped short of the confidence needed to see himself as right. Mainly because being dominant held a mirror up to his behaviour and he was made too aware of the unreasonableness of his point of view.

Now, there is such relief for me in having my desires matched by T. Spanking a woman over his knee is central to his sexuality, reducing her to the status of a child, so it was not at all hard to interest him in dd. But it took a while for him to believe that he was allowed to enjoy my discomfort (he loves all the squirming and begging when it gets too painful). Integrating his "sadism" as he used to call it, into the rest of his personality has been a hard thing.

Is this a big theme I wonder? That tops - if they are decent human beings - need reassurance that they can spank just exactly the way they want to? I have found it only works if T is able to do that. Over time he has got less frenzied about it, as he has let himself enjoy it more (sorry if that's a bit off topic)

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Re: Question re compromises

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sat Apr 07, 2012 10:57 am

blackbird wrote:That tops - if they are decent human beings - need reassurance that they can spank just exactly the way they want to?


I've noticed that a lot. And I think it's a good thing for bottoms to keep in mind, that even for people who are "naturally" dominant, they still need reassurance.

As for getting a formerly vanilla person to be the bottom in a disciplinary relationship... I think that is a real struggle. But maybe it's just because I haven't heard from as many people with that experience, and I *imagine* it would be harder on the bottom than on a top.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby altbob » Sat Apr 07, 2012 2:19 pm

As a Dom, yes its good to let us know you appreciate what we are doing. Some of us, perhaps many of us, I don't know, dominants have a beast inside we can't just let out. Especially if you have sadistic leanings. You are always maintaining self control, trying to read the situation. Regret and knowledge you have betrayed a trust are very he avy burdens. So we want to avoid that at all costs. I am not a masochist, or bottom. But I would rather be pinned, caned, strapped, figged, or whatever, that have my wife look at me with the pain of betrayal in her eyes.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby Nat » Sat Apr 07, 2012 3:19 pm

blackbird wrote: Is this a big theme I wonder? That tops - if they are decent human beings - need reassurance that they can spank just exactly the way they want to? I have found it only works if T is able to do that. Over time he has got less frenzied about it, as he has let himself enjoy it more (sorry if that's a bit off topic)[Blackbird

That was true of Liz, to my surprise. I’ve always said – and really believe – that it’s important that our dd relationship gives her what she needs, just as much as it does me. But when we talked about it a few months ago, the first time we really discussed ttwd, I discovered that what we were doing actually wasn't satisfying her. The changes since then aren’t all to my liking, but if the improvement in our relationship is an indication Liz is getting much more of what she needs.
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Re: Question re compromises

Postby Eayore » Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:23 pm

artlover wrote:It is, IMO, a different thing for a vanilla to be asked to give discipline than to be asked to receive it.
I have always seen it that way, yes. On the other hand, I do appreciate now that asking a vanilla to start spanking can be quite challenging. Especially if it involves using a cane, which is a fairly specialised skill. I have often thought that I am glad I have never been asked to cane someone.

On reflection, I think that any vanilla partner who is willing to step into the role of either top or bottom must be a rather special person.
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