Introducing myself

Whether we call it "domestic discipline" or "rules" or "structure" or just "getting our needs met." This is a spot for those meta discussions about what it is that we do.

Introducing myself

Postby bottomhusband » Fri Jun 15, 2012 10:52 pm

I just stumbled onto this site today, and it seems like a great resource! A lot of the other sites dedicated to this type of relationship seem to be geared towards the Christian lifestyle (which I have no problem with, but I am an atheist) and male HOH, which is not us. My wife and I are fairly new to the DD scene, and are trying to figure it out as we go. In most aspects of our relationship we are completely equal. we both share financial responsibility for our bills/expenses, both do a good amount of the chores around the house, and in general neither takes on an overly dominant role. We started out by incorporating spanking into our lovemaking, and quickly realized that I loved being spanked and she loved doing the spanking. After a couple months we completely destroyed a cheapo fake leather paddle we had gotten from the local adult toy store, and that was just as part of our foreplay, not serious discipline!

I had wanted to bring spanking into our daily life, not in a sexual way, but as a way of helping me to be a better husband. In general I am a very good husband. I try to pick up around the house, I do a lot of the cooking (my wife gets home from work in the evenings and I work overnights so I am in a better position to get dinner ready), and am a pretty thoughtful guy. With that in mind, I can be a huge procrastinator and sometimes am a little bit lazy! On the odd occasion I truly let my wife down I wanted her to have a way to help motivate me to be a better husband for her. With the destruction of our paddle I saw an opportunity: I ordered a couple serious paddles from cane-iac and when they arrived talked to my wife about what I wanted. She was intrigued and willing to try it out.

One thing that we have been struggling with, which I think a lot of people deal with at first is my wife is afraid of hurting me. We have had many conversations about this, and my viewpoint is that if I have done something bad enough to warrant a punishment it should hurt me... it should be a physical reminder that goes with me after the punishment is done that helps me stay focused on being the best husband I can be. Each punishment I get is closer and closer to the level I feel I need to be at, so I am confident we will be there soon. In fact this morning I woke up and still had a tiny mark on my butt from last night's session. When I showed it to my wife she smiled just a little bit an said she was proud of it!

I have a lot of questions that I think you all will be able to help me with, but I will save them for another day. I just wanted to give you a little backstory on ttwd and why I am here! I'm very glad I found this site!
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby jessewj » Fri Jun 15, 2012 11:07 pm

Welcome to the site! Can't wait to hear more and have you join some other conversations/start some of your own!

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Re: Introducing myself

Postby Nat » Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:00 am

:welcome: bottomhusband! You've come to the right place. There are a lot of answers, suggestions, and opinions here - and most of them are really good! :)

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Re: Introducing myself

Postby Eayore » Sat Jun 16, 2012 4:40 pm

Welcome, bottomhusband. Nice to hear from you.

I agree it is good for physical punishments to hurt! It sounds like your wife may be coming round to the idea? I think it is very understandable that she should have reservations at first, and she may need some reassurance and encouragement over time to become truly comfortable with the idea. I can only say that we started fairly gently, but I don't have any reason to complain on that score any more.

I hope to read more from you.
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby bottomhusband » Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:39 pm

Thank you for the warm welcome everyone. Eayore, she is definitely warming to the idea of corporal punishment. Each time she punishes me I can tell she feels more comfortable with her role as disciplinarian and is getting a better understanding of the difference between erotic spanking (which we do during sex) and a punishment spanking having nothing to do with foreplay or being aroused. So far she has stopped well short of what I would consider a true punishment, with the exception of our most recent session. This last time she did not stop when I started pleading with her, but kept going until she felt I had taken enough. Then I was told to lay on the bed and not rub my bottom until she allowed it. She then got ready (we were going out that night) while I laid there. When she was ready to go she came back and gave me another spanking, harder than the first go-round. Boy was I apologetic after that!!! Then I was allowed to get ready to go. Even with that being the worst punishment I have gotten so far the next day I only had a tiny little mark to show for it, so I think she could go farther if she feels I deserve it.

She seems okay with punishing me, but I typically have to bring it to her when I feel I deserve a punishment. If left up to her I don't think it would ever happen. If that is how she would like to do it I am okay with that, I just wish she would take charge a little more.
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:22 pm

We have plenty of female tops here that could help her with the process of coming into her own power. Please encourage her to join us!!!
W-Jigsaw's Boss

"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
:cheesy:
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby bottomhusband » Sun Jun 17, 2012 10:27 am

I will most likely introduce her to this website, but am trying not to overwhelm her with too much all at once. She has been very willing to take charge so far but still is finding out where her own comfort level lies. It has been close to a year getting to the point we are at now, and I don't want to push her too fast and make her uncomfortable. Slow and steady wins the race, right ;)

I can tell, however, that for the most part the people that post regularly on this forum seem to really come from relationships where love and trust is the focus of ttwd, and that is exactly the type of resource I would want to bring to my wife. All in good time! She is actually leaving for a week to visit family tomorrow which will give me some quality time to figure out more specifically how to move forward from here.
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Jun 17, 2012 9:29 pm

Welcome to the board!

You'll hopefully find lots of answers and good conversation here.

bottomhusband wrote: Slow and steady wins the race, right


That's been what I've seen, anyway. I hope it works for you. Seems like you've got the patience to be able to give her the space she needs.
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby splorange » Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:36 pm

I like what I see, bottomhusband :) you seem to have put a lot of thought into this and I'm sure the success of ttwd in your marriage will mirror that! Add me to the people who say to take it slowly, expect her not to find it easy all at once, and try not to overwhelm her! (As terrible as I am at taking my own advice, I know it's right) To be honest, a top with no experience (and fantasy experience seems to help as well, so it doesn't have to be real life) who falls naturally into ttwd with no qualms about hurting you must be pretty rare - and I feel that not many such tops will be coming from a place of love. (With exceptions as some people seem to be just naturals!!) You want someone who loves you and only punishes you out of love - I think that naturally comes into conflict with causing you pain, until tops get more confidence and experience.
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

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Re: Introducing myself

Postby bottomhusband » Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:24 am

Splorange, I totally agree with your post and I think I would be kind of hesitant to go into this type or relationship if my wife had no issues with causing me physical pain. Neither me or my wife were abused at any point in our lives, but I work with teenage boys that have been abused physically, sexually and emotionally. Believe me when I say that I would never allow ttwd to become abusive in any way. I was the one that has been pushing for this change in our relationship, but what I really want is for my wife to fully embrace it and start running with it on her own. For that to happen I need to step back at some point, stop telling her how I think things should go, and let her take the reins from me.
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Re: Introducing myself

Postby blackbird » Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:38 am

bottomhusband wrote: I was the one that has been pushing for this change in our relationship, but what I really want is for my wife to fully embrace it and start running with it on her own. For that to happen I need to step back at some point, stop telling her how I think things should go, and let her take the reins from me.


Hi bottomhusband, welcome from me too to the forum.

What you write here is beautiful and right I feel. A top can only do it their way or it isn't meeting their individual desires. And they have to find out what they are first! T, my dom, found it very liberating to be able to have his "fantasy" needs met so I hope your wife will feel the same in time. He also works with the damaged in society and is very careful to make our ttwd consensual. Having said that, he positively enjoys hurting my bottom as it establishes his authority completely over me.

Hope you write more as things develop. I love your thoughtful perspective.

B
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