Emotionally, how do you deal with the taboo nature of ttwd?

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Emotionally, how do you deal with the taboo nature of ttwd?

Postby muchinspired » Sun Jul 15, 2012 12:46 am

It is at times difficult for me to deal with; giving up my power, being in a sense dependent, the permanency of such a relationship. I have anxiety about these things-- then again, I have anxiety about a lot of things!
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

Matthew, Cabin Fever

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Re: Emotionally, how do you deal with the taboo nature of tt

Postby Louise » Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:47 am

I did initially feel uneasy about wanting this, it seemed an absurd thing to desire in this day and age. But once I had accepted that it was what I wanted I didn't worry about it much. I feel anxious most of the time, but not about this.

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Re: Emotionally, how do you deal with the taboo nature of tt

Postby splorange » Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:14 pm

There are a lot of thoughts here. That it's taboo in the eyes of the world doesn't bother me really, except that occasionally I want to talk to someone I know really well and trust about it, but I know they wouldn't understand. Luckily, my chief is everything and I can talk to him about all of it. I also should really try to journal more when the loneliness is geting to me - or stop being on the internet at 1 am!

I struggle the most with feeling that it's immature or unfeminist of me to want this. I often feel, well I am just as able to take care of myself as my chief is, I am probably more capable, responsible and practical. Why should he punish me? I think a lot of this stems from my childhood, where literally the only discipline in my family was that you would suffer the natural consequences of your actions. I never remember being in trouble with my mum and rarely at school, and my brother and sister were both the same way. Looking back, I think maybe it was a little scary, not having those boundaries. And being a single parent, sometimes my mother just cracked and shouted, so it's the fear of withdrawal of love that I remember much more so than any fear of punishment. My mother was one of those people who never seemed to stop working. She is an amazing person and she was so stressed, so tired all the time, and had literally no backup. So in a sense, I feel guilty that I'm relying on my chief for something she wouldn't have had. But then, it occurs to me that she did what she did because she had no choice, and I don't need to blame myself that I do have a choice.

The giving up of power. That's something I don't feel. I can honestly say that my chief only makes decisions for me on things that aren't centrally important to me. Otherwise, he helps me to be what I want to be. Ultimately, I think i give up control to have more control. And since you and R love each other, you can be certain that she will not abuse her power and that it's only an outward shedding of power - if that makes sense.

Being dependent. yes that scares me. My breakups as a teenager were horrendous, because I hadn't held back any part of myself and fallen hard into love. In the early stages of relationships I have always been guarded and tried not to give up so much, but in the end I HAD to invest more in my chief, because he was giving me so much love and I felt safe enough to return it, and in doing so give up some independence. A breakup even before we began ttwd would have devastated me, and now if it were to happen I would have to deal with it without the benefit of someone disciplining me. But that just doesn't seem a good enough reason to give up on something that's right for us, because it would hurt if it were taken away? We are becoming greater in our love every day, and that greatness gives me strength to deal with everything that goes wrong. And I believe that what I have learnt from this, and him, and us, would carry me through a breakup, and the outward pain would be transcended, because inside I am more. But even though we are going long-distance next year when I move to Europe to study, I don't think we'll break up because we've become so strong together.

As for the ttwd relationship's permanency, well here i think you need to always keep reviewing. What's improving? What's working for us? What do we need to change? And if you reach a point where ttwd just isn't working for you anymore, then you can give it up. More probably it'll just need to be adjusted along the way. But the point is to enhance your relationship, and if you find ttwd doesn't do that then nobody is making you hold onto it.

Thanks for bringing this up. I hadn't realised how complex my inner thoughts were on the subject. You really have a great way of framing a question and I hope some of what I've said helps you make sense of your own thoughts.
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
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Re: Emotionally, how do you deal with the taboo nature of tt

Postby artlover » Sun Jul 15, 2012 9:24 pm

For me, the "taboo" side of it, the political incorrectness, is probably a huge plus, a large part of the wonderful "stew" of elements that makes really spanking my wife so fascinating to me.

From reading various comments by female spankees, here and elsewhere, it seems that there are women who are turned on by, and revel in, how politically incorrect it is, and others who struggle somewhat with this aspect of it.
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Re: Emotionally, how do you deal with the taboo nature of tt

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Mon Jul 16, 2012 10:38 am

I don't struggle with the spanking itself, because I've spent my adult life in pretty kink-friendly communities. And the discipline aspect I can mostly deal with as well, because even though that's more taboo, it's pretty clear to me that it *works*.

But it took a lot of time for me to get to a place where I mostly can trust W's and my sense of what works for us, rather than getting derailed by the fear that we're doing something wrong or bad or unhealthy. It's funny... I've always been able to see that that's true at least *some* of the time, but particularly when ttwd isn't going smoothly for us, I start to have doubts that it's a good thing to be doing. It was hardest for me when W has having the hardest time with topping. I felt guilty for needing this, and for asking for it from her, and for wanting her to stretch her own boundaries.

For the past few months, that's been going a little more easily, but I'd say it has more to do with how long we've been doing this, and with how we have both been clear that our relationship is stronger for it. And that knowledge only comes with time.
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