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This thing we do • View topic - Why do I feel so much better after punishment?
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Why do I feel so much better after punishment?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 10:46 pm
by mickey
I resist punishments. I resist them hard. I sometimes have worked very hard to keep all the rules so that, while my attitude might be rotten and I may feel like I'm dying inside, I still am meeting the "requirements" that exist for me so that I don't get a paddling.

Which is great; it means that the structure works very well. And I'm also fortunate, because my disciplinarian eventually notices if I'm following all the rules but something seems "off," and he will eventually punish me for withdrawing too much or for attitude.

But the point of this post is that, while I might do everything I can to avoid a punishment, the feeling I get after a punishment is done with is almost indescribable. It's like a "reset" button is pushed, like the infraction of before fades away, but more than that --

I have a renewed sense of safety, of clarity, even of joy.

In the hours and days immediately following a punishment, once the tears subside, I seem to go into a very productive mode. I talk much more cheerfully; I think more clearly.

It almost makes me wish that we did some kind of "maintenance" routine, just so I could more consistently reap these benefits rather than needing to wait to get out of control to get a cons that snaps me into such deep clarity.

I'm on my third or fourth day after having my mouth washed out with soap. I'm still doing great.

There's also a feeling of.....the longer I go without a punishment, the more it seems like I start to feel like I'm struggling a little bit. Since the person who disciplines me sees it as kinda wrong to punish before any misbehavior occurs, I'm not sure how I'll convince him to do maintenance. But maybe I need to talk with him about it again. Maybe if he does something from time to time that isn't as severe as the severe spanking I earn for rule breaks (By the way, I don't *do* those rule breaks unless I'm *seriously* out of control. I haven't been spanked in maybe a month?), maybe I can still get some of the relief I get from punishments without the same severity being needed, and without me needing to annoy my disciplinarian.

I hate being punished. I LOVE the aftereffects. It just makes me feel so much more free, open, focused, productive -- more like me.

My disciplinarian often remarks when my attitude goes bad, "This isn't you -- this is merely programming from your past." Punishment seems to act as immediate "deprogramming", as it were.

Re: Why do I feel so much better after punishment?

PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 8:32 am
by blackbird
I love what you write here Mickey. Such clarity about the paradox.

Good luck experimenting with maintenance...

Blackbird