Our Discipline of Love

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

Our Discipline of Love

Postby donodaflor » Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:08 pm

Hi all. You can see my intro post in the Introduction section. The important thing to understand that my love is my wild mare, we are about to commit to a life-long journey. But we have still a long way to go to establishing our discipline of love that we both seem to desire very much. What we have is a dream with each other, a fantasy. We have talked clearly about it, and we want this as a permanent lifestyle, every day 24/7 year after year for the rest of our lives.

Here I like to post some of our principles that we have developed together. And I am curious about any feedback, opinions, and I am also curious to know the rules that you may have in your marriages. Curious about what has worked for you and what has not.

  • We two desire to become one body and one mind and one heart.
  • We never want to turn away from each other, always engage each other, we can fight and argue, even call time out, but we will not allow our love to be defeated even for one day.
  • We want to live for each other in every moment.
  • I will take care of her, she is my princess and I her king, she will not have to worry about having a living.
  • I promised her: I will not do things for me that I can order her to do.
  • I promised her I won't allow her to do things alone without asking me permission.
  • Our shared dream is that it is every little thing, and every big thing.
  • I can not touch food or drink, I have to order her to not only bring it but to feed it to me :lovey: .
  • She can not touch herself for anything, but must ask me, I will do it for her or give her permission to do it herself.
  • Her pleasure shall be my desire, my desire shall be her order, her desire, and her pleasure.
  • We start and end everything with love.
  • We address each other with "my love" in every thought we exchange.
  • Our love shall have the first and last word in everything.
  • No day shall start or end without us celebrating our love, every day, without fail.
  • We shall make love at least 4 times a day: morning, noon, evening, and in the middle of the night, interrupting our sleep for it.
  • I make all the decisions, I command she obeys.
  • When I talk she listens.
  • She must ask permission to speak for me to listen.
  • To call my attention she must come to me and touch me.
  • When I am ready, I turn to her, I will order her to sit on my lap and I touch her, look deep into her eyes and listen with all my mind and all my heart to what my love has to say.
  • She stays there until I declare the conversation for finished and dismiss her.
  • Our happiness is the target outcome and quality standard of my leadership. That means my happiness and hers.
  • Once a week I shall summon her to council.
  • She and I will prepare our bodies and minds to be in the best shape for this important time.
  • She will sit on my lap or close in front of me, we touch and look deeply into our eyes.
  • Council starts with her time: I will ask her, probe her, for her opinion, any requests, complaints, what she liked more of and what less, what I can do better, I will ask and listen intently, to understand her as best I can. She can say anything at all, with no taboos. Nothing she says at that time will be counted against her.
  • During her time, I will not react, just listen and take it all in. I will think about it during the week. Nothing will be decided at that time, so there will be no discussion.
  • When she is done and I am done understanding her, I will give her my decisions about our previous week's conversation. There is no talking back at that time until it's her time the following week.
  • During the week, there is no talking back, no buts, no arguments of any kind. I may ask her opinion at my discretion.
  • She may always request my attention and respectfully ask any request she may have and accept my response without question.

These are some of our rules. You see there is no spanking or maintenance spanking here. But you can also see that these rules are tough. And we both understand that it is my responsibility to enforce the rules. And the spanking will be part of it.
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Re: Our Discipline of Love

Postby lana » Mon Feb 13, 2012 3:26 am

Hi Don
Welcome to TTWD.

My hoh and I do have the usual rules of dd.(no dishonesty, disrespect or disobedience) And I do agree to go by his decisions after we have discussed something. But to wait a week for an answer from him when the decision is probably something I needed to know right now seems more as a fantasy than real life. Also what if another reason occurs to her during the week that she needs to communicate before you decide?

Please excuse me because I do not mean to disparage your dream, but Id think it would take a great deal of patience and willingness to do most of those things you describe even if she agreed to it and said she wanted to--like doing nothing w/o permission and going nowhere at all w/o permission.

Though there may be someone from a very different culture where this is more the norm, I do not know of anyone who actually lives as you describe in your proposal in real life. In my experience of some years, DD is in real life something that you work on with a lot of communication and give and take.... The idea of getting "spanked into submission" and then suddenly becoming completely obedient is more like a fiction than what happens in real life, as far as changes in behavior go.
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Re: Our Discipline of Love

Postby donodaflor » Mon Feb 13, 2012 11:42 am

Lana, thank you for your feedback. This is exactly what I am looking for. I want to know where things are getting so unrealistic they become a burden. After all, this thing we want to do must be sustainable for a long, long, time.

To wait one week thing for every decision is certainly not right and I need to revise / clarify this. I suppose I was conflating big decisions with small decisions, and her small requests and big requests. Anything of daily life, even sudden big decisions can be talked about any day when she requests my attention, I will be her's to listen with open ears and open heart and lots of love and empathy, at any time she needs me, really.

The deferral for a week was intended for when it comes to talking about the rules. Example, she wants to quibble with this asking permission for everything. Such decisions would have be deferred for one week to remove the pressure. I thought about this long and hard, could still be a bad idea, but my reasoning behind this was:

  • it relieves pressure from the conversation
  • we don't have to agree for the conversation to succeed
  • the main goal of the conversation is to understand and really think through her point of view
  • I do not have to spend any of our energy to defend the status quo
  • then in the week that follows with rule unchanged:
    • I pay attention these situations being mindful of her point of view
    • I try to address her concerns practically without changing the rule itself, may be the rule isn't the problem but how we're living it
    • I think through the alternatives, we may talk about alternatives
    • I might bring the subject up during the week to bounce off ideas to improve things
    • she tries to accept and embrace the rule anew, knowing that I am mindful of her concerns
    • she may find the practical modification of how we are living the rule sufficient
  • then after the week, with all that data, I make a decision, and no discussion happens, you see:
  • when she raises her concerns I only listen intently, I do not need to make her understand or discuss anything
  • when I make a decision she only listens and tries to accept, no need to make me understand and discuss
  • my main objective is to make her happy, if her face doesn't glow any more and her eyes don't shine, I lose, we lose, I really care
  • in fact I care so much that I am always tempted to pull back and accommodate her reactively, but we have both regretted that in the past
  • slowing down these changes keeps us from eroding our decisions too quickly and helps us to give a chance to our dreams.

Also, I am very mindful of this:

In my experience of some years, DD is in real life something that you work on with a lot of communication and give and take.... The idea of getting "spanked into submission" and then suddenly becoming completely obedient is more like a fiction than what happens in real life, as far as changes in behavior go.

Indeed, these rules we have worked out together in lots of communication. I am not just decreeing them. This whole thing started as her idea really. I am just responding and refining and trying to make it systematic. I am sure some of these rules will change over time (in due process as above). This being spanked into submission and becoming completely obedient, I don't full believe in that either. Nor did I really initially like the idea of spanking so much. But I read and hear a lot of women complaining that their HoHs are not being tough enough with them. She was telling me the same thing, saying "I would so much prefer you disciplined me more than feeling good about the moment and hurting our relationship."

You see, I have never spanked any woman, except her and only one time, because we wanted to find out how it works for us. And it did work. It was wonderful. I helped her get over an inhibition that was limiting our sex (no, not to give me blowjobs, that's no problem, all I wanted her is to show me her beautiful tongue!) And it worked well.

But what about when it is a really contentious issue? And what about the "boot camp" idea? I will ask this in separate threads.
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