Distance from control

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

Distance from control

Postby blackbird » Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:18 am

Does anyone have any good ideas for ways of keeping themselves submissive in the face of work, mood, vagaries of life? Somehow, even the threat of a spanking later for not being, doesn't alter my resentment, sometimes, that I can't be with my dom. But then, I can also get into this mood with him... namely, arrogant and dismissive of everything, including him.

:sigh:

Anyone's help would be much appreciated.

Blackbird
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Re: Distance from control

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue Mar 27, 2012 12:12 pm

I admit that I don't even try to be especially submissive when W isn't around, unless by "submissive" we mean "willing to follow the rules set up in our relationship."

I follow the rules because I agreed to them (and, for the most part, because I know they are good for me). But I don't try to maintain a submissive mindset when it's just me, because, I'll be honest, it's hard enough when we're together.

When we are together, though, my submission to her authority is kind of a give and take situation. It ebbs and flows, and sometimes the two of us are good at keeping things in balance, and sometimes we're not. I find that the more I trust her to follow through on what she says, and to be authoritative, the better I'm able to trust her. And the more I'm able to trust her, the more she's able to access her authoritative self. So we kind of have to build it together, and it takes time.

Admittedly, certain *behaviors* were mostly nipped because W had a strong response to them: being verbally or strongly non-verbally disrespectful got me a soapy mouth, and I hate that enough that I have learned to avoid those behaviors (well, first it took being made conscious of when I was doing it, and *then* learning not to do it).

I personally get arrogant and dismissive when I'm frustrated with W, or when I don't feel like I can trust her to make decisions, or to follow through on the decisions she's made. I also do it when I'm feeling frustrated about something unrelated to her--with housework, for instance, my frustration is not actually that she's doing it wrong (well, not *mostly* that) but that *I* can't be the one doing it (due to health issues). So I take out my frustration at being disabled by being really critical about how she is doing things. So, for me, some of the work had to be digging through where my responses were coming from, and solving the root problems. Journaling is a good help there, or individual therapy, so you can spend some time focusing on what's going on for you.
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Re: Distance from control

Postby altbob » Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:49 pm

First, a question. Is this something you feel a need for, or feel like you should do? I mean full time. And feeling submissive is not the same thing as following rules, at least to me. Which do you want help with, and why do you want it? This is obviously personal, so pardon me if I intrude.
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Re: Distance from control

Postby blackbird » Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:58 pm

I was just replying to JA and somehow Bob's post erased mine as it came in... how is that for being topped!
As T just said, you don't have to reply just now, they are not your dom.... so I will wait till the morning. But thanks for writing back to me.
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Re: Distance from control

Postby blackbird » Wed Mar 28, 2012 4:45 am

Thanks for your posts JA and Bob. I am really helped by the insights of those who have been at this longer than me. About 8 months I've been going. I am writing a journal which does indeed help me but it's quite a new thing, so I shall give it some time. At present I have to read it out to T each night, wearing school uniform, and be spanked if he thinks fit. Rather effective at getting me to focus on my attitude. T instituted it as a response to a problem I have read around on here in the last few days, namely, if I get sassy and argumentative, T tends to lose confidence. Though, I must add, he really is a dom at heart.... your posts, Bob, around the matter of being a Top are uncomfortably familiar!

Musing on the question of the submissive mindset, it seems to be vital for me - in the literal sense of the word. I have a lot of anger issues, because of terrible parenting from my father, so can very easily get angry, then very low and despairing about my needs being met/being acceptable. I find T's firm control very comforting when it is in place as he is re-framing what went wrong before in an important way. I know I can't "best" him, run away, hurt him too badly, or be abandoned, all of which I fear. When I stay aware and please him, by doing things, but also by not busting a gut to please too, it regulates something in me and I feel calmer and more able to be an adult, paradoxically.

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Re: Distance from control

Postby altbob » Wed Mar 28, 2012 1:36 pm

@blackbird - when you are feeling less sub,issive, it may help to take a few moments of quiet meditation to center yourself and remember theplace you desire in your relationship. When with T and he feels you bucking him, if he can call a cool down period it may help with that.
To feel submissive away from him, there are some things from M/s relationships in bdsm that may help. If he gaa necklaceve you a token as a symbol of the relationship you could touch when feeling srressed, that can help you center yourself when away. I used to have a collared girl. She said it made her feel secure and loved, like I was always with her. Of course, it can be anything that is special to the two of you. A ring, a bracelet, a necklace. Something you are comfortable with in public that symbolizes your relationship. It depends on you two.
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Re: Distance from control

Postby blackbird » Wed Mar 28, 2012 2:25 pm

Thanks altbob, those suggestions make my heart sing...
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Re: Distance from control

Postby altbob » Wed Mar 28, 2012 3:15 pm

Good and good luck to you.

Now back to your regularly scheduled evil bastard. :crank:

Grumble grumble going to get my dragon tail and whip the crap out of somebody grumble grumble. :rubhands:
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Re: Distance from control

Postby blackbird » Thu Mar 29, 2012 7:11 am

Why do you need to be an evil bastard?
B
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Re: Distance from control

Postby altbob » Thu Mar 29, 2012 5:51 pm

If I'm serious and thoughtful too long, I get morose, mauldin, and philosophical. I also keep a tight control on myself, so I need something mean and destructive to let it out, but in a way I won't regret or have to apologize for.
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Re: Distance from control

Postby blackbird » Fri Mar 30, 2012 6:17 am

I think T will relate to your feelings in some ways. Thanks for sharing them. And thanks for taking the time out from raising hell to give me your ideas! T is going to give me a necklace to wear. It feels right. :cheesy:
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Re: Distance from control

Postby altbob » Fri Mar 30, 2012 11:45 am

Stockroom.com yas some pretty collars that look like necklaces.
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Re: Distance from control

Postby splorange » Thu May 10, 2012 12:02 pm

JigsawAnalogy wrote:I admit that I don't even try to be especially submissive when W isn't around, unless by "submissive" we mean "willing to follow the rules set up in our relationship."

I follow the rules because I agreed to them (and, for the most part, because I know they are good for me). But I don't try to maintain a submissive mindset when it's just me, because, I'll be honest, it's hard enough when we're together.

When we are together, though, my submission to her authority is kind of a give and take situation. It ebbs and flows, and sometimes the two of us are good at keeping things in balance, and sometimes we're not. I find that the more I trust her to follow through on what she says, and to be authoritative, the better I'm able to trust her. And the more I'm able to trust her, the more she's able to access her authoritative self. So we kind of have to build it together, and it takes time.

Admittedly, certain *behaviors* were mostly nipped because W had a strong response to them: being verbally or strongly non-verbally disrespectful got me a soapy mouth, and I hate that enough that I have learned to avoid those behaviors (well, first it took being made conscious of when I was doing it, and *then* learning not to do it).


Just reading through the back catalogue, and I thought this post was interesting - because today in particular I've been wondering what even is submission. I call myself a bottom, but not a sub, I don't think... because for me it's about discipline, not giving in to authority regardless of my own feelings. I know, that's not what we're about. But I feel like elsewhere in life, I've seen this concept of true submission, totally giving of yourself, always - but I wonder, can that ever be healthy?

This whole thing on submission as distinct from discipline, or even just a way of getting along in the best way possible and putting each other's needs first when required - needs to be a post on its own, but first I need to think a bit more. I'll toss it down when I have time to stay on here for a bit.
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
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