Advice needed.

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

Advice needed.

Postby Huney » Thu Apr 19, 2012 1:03 pm

I'm brand new to this sight, so I dont even know if I'm doing this right. But I need advice, and couldnt figure out where else to turn, so here I am.
Basically HOH isnt spanking me. Ever. He use to, but not in a long time. I don't know why he wont help me. He just puts me in the corner or I get grounded or sent to bed.
It all blew up last night. I didnt get to bed on time the night before last, Actually, I pretty much ignored my bed time, which is 11pm on week days. Well, HOH was already sleeping, and I am hurting so bad that I just dont care. I stayed up till 3am. He didnt even care, until he got home from work last night and I hadnt done any of my chores because I was so tired, and like I said I just dont care. He was upset about that, and went to put me in the corner. I just started yelling. I told him its not my fault, its his fault. That he doesnt help me to be good anymore and that if hes not going to punish me right, then I'm not listening to him anymore.
So bad. I can't believe I did that. He put me in the corner and I stayed there, standing still, staring at the wall and crying for 30 minutes. When he let me come out I appoligized and sat down and cuddled him. I couldnt get it off my mind though, why he didnt spank me for what I did, and why he hasnt been spanking me at all. My attitude got me in the corner 2 more times last night.
I feel sad, and depressed and alone like he doesnt care about me and is abandoning me, and I dont understand why. He wont tell me anything either, just that I will get spankings when I need them. I DO NEED THEM! I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm being really bad, and he just doesnt care. I'm trying not to be bad, I dont want to be bad, but I dont know what to do. I'm just really hurt and confused. Can anyone please help me?
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby jessewj » Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:25 pm

Is there something stressful going on in his life that's keeping him occupied? Try and sit him down and talk - see how he feels about ttwd and what's got him so distracted.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby lana » Thu Apr 19, 2012 4:49 pm

I agree with what was said above about asking him how he feels re ttwd. But i am curious. Do you never get really mad at him and refuse to stay in the corner? [Thats prolly what id do just out of frustration and the boredom of having to stay there for a long time and it would certainly result in a spanking for me. ]

For me the spankings are what is needed to put me into a submissive mood so that i want to please him and to follow the rules and obey. Cornertime and writing lines and loss of privs have their place but i need the spanking as an enforcer of these. I need to feel his control and to know he will put me OTK and not stop till i have totally yielded for the whole DD thing to work.

One idea is for the 2 of you to start a spanking night or TEA session for reminding you who is in charge so you will have this need met w/o acting out. This works for many who are "too good" to ever really need a spanking as a deterrent to bad behavior.

welcome to ttwd!
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby Eayore » Thu Apr 19, 2012 7:20 pm

Hello, Huney. Nice to meet you, and thanks for posting this, and asking for suggestions.

Objectively, it does not sound to me as if your HOH doesnt care about you or is abandoning you. Presumably he is putting you in the corner because he does care?

As an observation, I wonder if you are presenting spanking to him as if it's something you are dependent on, that you can't behave well without it. Does that ring true? If so, I doubt if that is the way to get him to spank you.

Might I suggest you have a conversation on an equal-to-equal basis, say you would like more spanking, and ask what would make that feel like a good idea to HOH.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:57 pm

Huney wrote:I feel sad, and depressed and alone like he doesnt care about me and is abandoning me, and I dont understand why.... I feel like I'm being really bad, and he just doesnt care. I'm trying not to be bad, I dont want to be bad, but I dont know what to do. I'm just really hurt and confused.


This is the part that I would want to make sure my partner understood. That I was feeling hurt, and alone, and abandoned. I'm not quite sure how to let a partner know that in a way that doesn't come across to them as a criticism, or as loading too much on them, or something that will make the partner feel defensive.

I will see if W has a chance to chime in on this this weekend, because it's an issue the two of us have struggled with in the past. I know she loves me, and is committed to me, and for the past couple of years, I've been pretty sure she's committed to ttwd. But that doesn't mean there haven't been times when she's been overwhelmed by the responsibility, or frustrated at the lack of progress, or felt like there's too much pressure on her. And there have been times when she hasn't felt like she was getting anything out of the arrangement, or when she felt like she didn't have the energy for it. And all of those could lead to me feeling frustrated and upset and wanting to act out, which just led to *her* feeling frustrated and upset and not wanting to do ttwd, which just builds up in a negative way.

What generally helped us to get through those times was for me to find ways of explaining how I was feeling, and for her to find ways of doing the same, and then for the two of us to work on figuring out ways of solving the problems together. It does require that neither of us is fully in a "top" or "bottom" role at the time, because we really do need to be on somewhat equal footing to figure out how to solve our problems together. But that might not be the case for others.

Good luck. It can be hard and lonely to get through times like that.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby Huney » Thu Apr 19, 2012 9:56 pm

I am so grateful to have found this site. Thank you guys for your advice. I never get to talk to anybody about this, ever.

Just a little update- Tonight our son had a tball game. HOH is the assistant coach on his team, and I'm a "team mom", so we both go to every game. So any way, they left early to practice, and he gave me 20 dollars and told me to put it all in my gas tank. Well, I don't like to be a brat. I really prefer not to instigate because most of the time I just end up getting ignored for it, but I was at the end of my rope. I don't think he understands how difficult this has been on me. So anyway, I decided to be a brat and try to take matters into my own hands. I'm never really THAT bad, and I wanted to really make him angry, so on the way to the game, I stopped at starbucks and got a $7.00 latte and put the change in my gas tank.

HOH controls the money 100% and I can't access any money other than what he hands me, so of course he would know I bought the latte with the money he gave me for gas. So I went to the game, walked right up to the field, made eye contact with him, took a sip of my latte, and smiled. He shot me a look like I was gonna get it bad when we got home.... Money is his big "thing", and there is nothing more disrespectful then me spending it on something thats not approved, so I NEVER do it, even with something as small as a latte.

When we got home he took me to the bedroom and talked to me. He told me that he knows why I did it (just to get spanked), and told me that I need to learn to respect him and listen to him even when I'm not being spanked all the time. I told him that I know that, and that I want to listen and respect him, but that its hard not being spanked at all. I explained that the spankings make me feel fully secure in giving myself over to him 100% in every aspect of my life, and that they make me feel warm and fuzzy and loved and happily owned by him.

I apologized for being a brat. Then, much to my own surprise, he put me over his knee and went hard on me. I didn't make a sound, I didn't move, I was a good girl. When my punishment was complete, we had sex, then I came out and made him his favorite dinner. My desire to please him is back, and stronger than ever. I cuddled him until he went to bed, I felt so safe in his strong, powerful arms.

Sorry to drag that out. I'm just in a happy place and hope it lasts. I think hes in a sensitive spot right now, and feel like I need to be very careful not to make him feel like I am dependent on my punishments. Thanks again for the wonderful advice. It can get lonely for me, I don't have any friends that would understand. I'd love more advice if you guys have it, as I think this is going to be an on going struggle for a bit. But I'm going to enjoy this night :-D
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby artlover » Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:06 pm

Edit: Huney posted her update before I posted this. I was going to delete it as not responsive to her latest post, but figured I would leave it.

lana wrote:One idea is for the 2 of you to start a spanking night or TEA session for reminding you who is in charge so you will have this need met w/o acting out. This works for many who are "too good" to ever really need a spanking as a deterrent to bad behavior.

welcome to ttwd!
lana :llama:


Ultimately, I agree with JA's post about communication. I quoted this from Lana because I don't think they are incompatible approaches. Ultimately, you two need better communication. But, IMO, that does not mean that regular evening of "laptime" as I like to call it would not be very helpful to both of you. It would get you discipline of a sort, or a very close semblance of it. And it would get him used to spanking you regularly. And that, IMO, is likely to lead to him occasionally putting a little extra effort into it if he is peeved about something this or that. Before you know it, it is feeling more and more like full on discipline.

(Do we not like the term maintenance on here? I know some feel like it better describes what you do to a car, not a spouse . . . )
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby Huney » Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:15 pm

artlover wrote:Edit: Huney posted her update before I posted this. I was going to delete it as not responsive to her latest post, but figured I would leave it.

lana wrote:One idea is for the 2 of you to start a spanking night or TEA session for reminding you who is in charge so you will have this need met w/o acting out. This works for many who are "too good" to ever really need a spanking as a deterrent to bad behavior.

welcome to ttwd!
lana :llama:


Ultimately, I agree with JA's post about communication. I quoted this from Lana because I don't think they are incompatible approaches. Ultimately, you two need better communication. But, IMO, that does not mean that regular evening of "laptime" as I like to call it would not be very helpful to both of you. It would get you discipline of a sort, or a very close semblance of it. And it would get him used to spanking you regularly. And that, IMO, is likely to lead to him occasionally putting a little extra effort into it if he is peeved about something this or that. Before you know it, it is feeling more and more like full on discipline.

(Do we not like the term maintenance on here? I know some feel like it better describes what you do to a car, not a spouse . . . )


Thank you for responding even after I undated. As I said, I really think this is an ongoing issue, and the advice for both communication and regular spankings is so appreciated. I feel like it will help us to build on our relationship.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Apr 19, 2012 11:16 pm

I'm glad he was able to hear you, Huney. I admit that I'm leery of the idea of having money that tightly controlled, but if it's what works for you as a couple, it's what works. (Mind you, in spite of being the bottom in our relationship, and in spite of the fact that W is the one who works, I'm the one who's in charge of the budget, and I know that raises some people's eyebrows too.)

In your position, I'd work on explaining and demonstrating the positive effects that regular spankings have on how I am in the relationship--not just on my behavior, but on how secure I feel in it. And I can say from experience that it took a lot of spankings and testing before I got to the place where I feel secure 80% of the time.


artlover wrote:(Do we not like the term maintenance on here? I know some feel like it better describes what you do to a car, not a spouse . . . )


I don't dislike it, but it doesn't work as well for me and W. When we had "maintenance," the focus was on my need to be spanked, rather than on our mutual need for W to establish authority. It's the same concept, but changing the language made a difference for us.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby artlover » Fri Apr 20, 2012 12:45 am

JigsawAnalogy wrote:It's the same concept, but changing the language made a difference for us.


I agree. The terms you use to describe something can make a world of difference in how you experience it.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby Huney » Fri Apr 20, 2012 8:15 am

JigsawAnalogy wrote:I'm glad he was able to hear you, Huney. I admit that I'm leery of the idea of having money that tightly controlled, but if it's what works for you as a couple, it's what works. (Mind you, in spite of being the bottom in our relationship, and in spite of the fact that W is the one who works, I'm the one who's in charge of the budget, and I know that raises some people's eyebrows too.)


I know, it sounds like a lot of control, but the truth about the money is that I am HORRIBLE with it LOL, so this has proven to be EXTREMELY helpful for us to move forward in life, and buy our own home and have a family and everything. I guess I should mention too that I do have my own bank account and a debit card, but there is no money in my account. But the purpose of that is so that if there is ever any type of emergency while HOH is at work, he can quickly transfer me money. "emergencies" are anything from my car breaking down, to forgetting the kids field trip money, or even last month he just called me to tell me there was 500 dollars in my account so I could go buy the puppy I had begged him for a few nights before. :)

I do think, IMO, that if money is controlled completely by one person, there should be some kind of set up like the one we have so that money can be quickly transferred between the two of you when need be. Before we set this up, I was stranded when the car broke down, and SOL when ever I really needed something. Now all I need is permission and my debit card. LOL
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:15 pm

back to the original topic of your HOH doing everything BUT spanking-

I know when J and I aren't communicating well and I feel, as a top, that I'm shouldering more responsibility over the dynamic than I feel comfortable with, I pull back (consciously or not), and one of the ways I do that is by doing fewer spankings. I find them emotionally and physically exhausting, and while ultimately there are more rewards than costs,I have some sympathy for a top that may be feeling less up to spankings than other punishments. Corner time is exhausting for the bottom, not the top.

Please make sure you are telling your HOH how not being spanked makes you feel, and remind him of the positive benefits for HIM when spankings are taking place. I forget sometimes, all the wonderful things that come from spanking, and how J's submitting to me rebalances the power dynamic in our home and she is more loving and affectionate, and helpful and sweet. All in all, more energizing to spank than to avoid.
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Re: Advice needed.

Postby Huney » Sun Apr 22, 2012 11:30 am

W-Jigsaw'sBoss wrote:back to the original topic of your HOH doing everything BUT spanking-

I know when J and I aren't communicating well and I feel, as a top, that I'm shouldering more responsibility over the dynamic than I feel comfortable with, I pull back (consciously or not), and one of the ways I do that is by doing fewer spankings. I find them emotionally and physically exhausting, and while ultimately there are more rewards than costs,I have some sympathy for a top that may be feeling less up to spankings than other punishments. Corner time is exhausting for the bottom, not the top.

Please make sure you are telling your HOH how not being spanked makes you feel, and remind him of the positive benefits for HIM when spankings are taking place. I forget sometimes, all the wonderful things that come from spanking, and how J's submitting to me rebalances the power dynamic in our home and she is more loving and affectionate, and helpful and sweet. All in all, more energizing to spank than to avoid.


I really appreciate your view and opinion on this. Of course I have no idea what it feels like to be a top, and you've really helped me to understand better that there are struggles on both ends of things, not just for me. I gotta go, for now, but I'll be back tomorrow! THanks again for the advice!
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