Two homes, one relationship

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:21 am

What I'm grappling with at the moment and why dd has gone up the swanny, is that T has moved back to his home, not far away, but far enough for the sub part of me to be wailing. I knew he needed his place back (it was being done up when we met and so he has mostly stayed with me since we started) and even actively encouraged him to go, though I knew I would find it tough. But how tough has been a surprise... but then I have never done D/s before.

We are desperately trying to meet each others' needs - another talk tonight is on the cards - but he doesn't seem to get it that sub me is just a child, and can't wait "until we see where we are". She is just acting out and acting out - fear and insecurity - until I can't think straight and all I do is alienate him. The rest of me is trying hard to state clearly what I need but the logistics feel awesome. His place is still a bit of a wreck and anyway he needs to be there on his own sometimes. And I don't know where I want to be, which exasperates me. I seem to have two utterly conflicting needs. For my independence and to be firmly held.

Does anyone have a similar experience of change of abode that would help us figure out how he can maintain control when we are apart? We tried to get back to it last weekend and I wanted something very firm but then rebelled, so now I'm thinking maybe starting with just one or two rules that we can both stick to would be best. But then I think I just won't take it seriously. :argh:

Any ideas most welcome!

B
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:59 am

Unfortunately, I don't think I've got many ideas to offer, but I have a lot of sympathy.

When W and I had to be apart for a month (and I was with my family, too!), one thing that helped was that we both had our online checklists and filled them out each night, so we had that ongoing stability. Not sure if that would work for you, but it did help me.
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:07 pm

JigsawAnalogy wrote:Unfortunately, I don't think I've got many ideas to offer, but I have a lot of sympathy.

When W and I had to be apart for a month (and I was with my family, too!), one thing that helped was that we both had our online checklists and filled them out each night, so we had that ongoing stability. Not sure if that would work for you, but it did help me.


Thanks JA. It's very hard. But I have been making lists all day about what I need and don't need so my mind is thinking along those lines too, of putting things in writing. If we can just stick to something now...!
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby lana » Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:34 pm

Hi blackbird
Are you looking for ideas for doing ttwd at a distance? If so maybe the Webcam on your computer could help where you could have to do exercises, writing lines, or cornertime or caps cream under his supervision.
I've never tried long distance discipline but i have heard of another couple that did this.

Also if that (sharing a life together) is your goal, I think you both need to set a date of when you will be living together again . Before you both get more used to being on your own in your own place aand neither wants to leave their comfort zone.
jmo
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby Huney » Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:48 pm

HOH and I have been together everyday pretty much since the day we met. But there have been a few times where one of use has had to leave town without the other. When this happens, the thing that helps more than anything for me is self affirmations that we come up with together, its pretty simple, like, "I respect my HOH and I will always obey him." or "I need to listen to him because hes in charge and I want to please him." Saying statements like that out loud to myself, especially over and over when Im upset, really help to keep me in a submissive state when hes not around, and when I'm in a submissive state I am happier and more reasonable. I dunno, just a suggestion.
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby altbob » Sat Apr 28, 2012 12:25 am

Not much to suggest, but my sympathy.
Perhaps a recording of his voice to listen to as you go to sleep?
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:43 am

lana wrote:
Also if that (sharing a life together) is your goal, I think you both need to set a date of when you will be living together again . Before you both get more used to being on your own in your own place aand neither wants to leave their comfort zone.
jmo
lana



Thanks very much lana. That's a really good suggestion (as is the other but T is computer phobic - but I can try). I hadn't got as far as thinking about it but last night in our talk it was clear that we want the same thing. To put a time-limit on it would be very helpful.

B
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:45 am

altbob wrote:Not much to suggest, but my sympathy.
Perhaps a recording of his voice to listen to as you go to sleep?


Thanks altbob, I have said I need to hear his voice everyday and he took that on board. A recording would be lovely too. Maybe some dom requirements and a reminder how much he loves me.

B
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:54 am

Huney wrote:HOH and I have been together everyday pretty much since the day we met. But there have been a few times where one of use has had to leave town without the other. When this happens, the thing that helps more than anything for me is self affirmations that we come up with together, its pretty simple, like, "I respect my HOH and I will always obey him." or "I need to listen to him because hes in charge and I want to please him." Saying statements like that out loud to myself, especially over and over when Im upset, really help to keep me in a submissive state when hes not around, and when I'm in a submissive state I am happier and more reasonable. I dunno, just a suggestion.



Hi Huney. Haven't really corresponded with you yet but have been following your dilemmas. Hope you are ok and things are working out. I love your suggestion. It can be as simple as remembering to be submissive when we get upset, can't it? I find it REALLY hard sometimes. And a phrase to repeat will really help me. I'll think one up with T and maybe get him to record something as altbob suggests.
I'm struck by the fact that my state of affairs is unusual and difficult as no one who has responded has experienced what I'm doing. It makes me feel comforted to know that nobody here would find it easy. Last night T came up with a very concrete plan which has helped enormously but now we have to live it. I might write more about it if it works as it might be of general interest.

Anyway, Thanks again!

B
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sat Apr 28, 2012 2:47 pm

blackbird wrote: Last night T came up with a very concrete plan which has helped enormously but now we have to live it. I might write more about it if it works as it might be of general interest.


Good luck!
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:14 pm

It actually sounds more like two homes two relationships!

Maybe I'm projecting, but what I hear is less about the l/d thing than the challenge of your HoH dealing with this inner child or whatever you're calling your sub self.

Maybe it would be helpful to read about some of the ways J and I have negotiated similar dynamics?
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:25 pm

W-Jigsaw'sBoss wrote:It actually sounds more like two homes two relationships!

Maybe I'm projecting, but what I hear is less about the l/d thing than the challenge of your HoH dealing with this inner child or whatever you're calling your sub self.

Maybe it would be helpful to read about some of the ways J and I have negotiated similar dynamics?


Thanks, I will. Your instincts are right.
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Apr 28, 2012 3:56 pm

It took me a while to adapt my thinking to being comfortable with the age stuff. Everyone experiences this differently- some people call it age play and see it as a kink thing. That's not where we are with it, although I'm not putting down anyone who chooses to do age play- it's just not what this is.

I would say, be really clear about what this part of you wants, and then when your partner is ready to acknowledge it, then you can sit down and speak on IT'S behalf. I know it has always been easier to negotiate at first with the part of J I thought I was used to. Does that make sense? Ease your partner into communicating with a younger part at first by speaking for them.

I speak as though there is a separateness, and sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't, but I know what I was able to process, and that's what worked for **me**.

On the other hand, when it came to nurturing and care, I was much better equipped to dealing with the younger parts.
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby blackbird » Sun Apr 29, 2012 3:40 am

Thanks so much W, for expanding a bit. It would be very helpful if you could point me to a few threads you have written before.

I am in a very sad place today, though much calmer to be left alone with it. Despite the protestations of my younger self, I like my own space. The problem has come with the anger. T is very nurturing on the whole and has always accepted my small self. He is an actual father to a lovely woman and took great care to get it right. But when I get angry, as I am now, because he has gone home to live some of the time, he doesn't know how to contain me. He tries. He came up with a wonderfully elegant solution last Friday of having 3 levels of dd.

Level 3, complete submission to him,
Level 2, still obedient but able to ask for things and to do things and make suggestions,
Level 1, I am my own person yet can be taken back to 3 or 2 at his will.

This was to contain things whilst we were apart and working etc. In addition I was to write a daily journal and write in the punishment book anything I thought I needed punishment for to present to him at our next meeting.

Well, we tried starting the day in level 3 - a notch higher than T has had the confidence for before - and I found it totally wonderful. It reached and held that child within, and the adult, seamlessly. And then he went home..... and I couldn't hold 2, let alone 1 together. I totally fell apart. I felt I had had a glimpse of what this is all about for me only for it to be removed. T didn't really understand, or rather, I think he did, he is just not in a place in himself where he can deal with it. I think he is terrified, as am I, that I need a very high level of submission for it to work. We did talk about it - I told him exactly how it was, but his response was that we can't be there all the time, in 3, that it wouldn't allow out all our other sides. I disagree. If 3 is there, I believe all my other parts will feel supported, loved and cherished anew.

Stalemate.

It's such a comfort to write to you W. Thank you.
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Re: Two homes, one relationship

Postby Eayore » Sun Apr 29, 2012 10:00 am

Maybe I misunderstand, but it seems to me the difference between your level 2 and 3 is that in the former you are able to ask for things, do things and make suggestions. So my interpretation is that in "complete submission" you are not even allowed to make suggestions, is that right? If so, I am inclined to agree with T that it wouldn't work to be there forever - for either of you, probably. I think I could also understand how that might be quite daunting for T as he would become the sole decision-maker of "everything" in both of your lives.

Could it be that you want to be in level 3 more of the time (rather than permanently), and to stay there for longer stretches at at time, before you relax a little and can affirm how it is working for you, and suggest things? Might that concept be a little less scary for T?
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