How did TTWD start for you?

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

How did TTWD start for you?

Postby lana » Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:39 pm

I am curious about how other people originally set up their DD or D/s relationship.

For those in a ttwd relationship or those who used to be in one:

1 Did it start with a verbal or written agreement-- with you giving your submission to him/her. Or did it just naturally evolve from when you first met
2 Were there rules , like the 3 Ds agreed to?Or specific rules set up with specific consequences?
3. Was your hoh given "blanket consent" to spank you by force if needed or do you have to specifically submit to each spanking?
4. Whose idea was it?
5 Were there any boundaries agreed to as to punishments (hard limits)?

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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby jessewj » Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:47 pm

Ours (Bee and I) started through writing. We met through roleplaying online and it happened to be a discipline-based story. As time went on, we realized we both wanted that sort of relationship together and it grew out of that.

I wrote up a list of rules and suggested punishments, although that has changed since we started - new rules added, new punishments, etc.

I have never spanked Bee since we're LD but she knows I reserve the right to spank her for anything she does that I feel she deserves one. However, she must explain to me why she deserves it beforehand so I know she is in the right mindset and submissive state.

It was both of our ideas...

There are no real boundaries as of yet. That may change.
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Eayore » Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:04 pm

We went on a personal development weekend workshop together, entitled Sexuality, and part of this involved sharing our fantasies with others (in small groups). Although we were not together during that part, when we got home P asked me what I had said. Up to that point, I had never talked about my DD fantasies with her, and before that weekend I don't think I had ever talked to anyone about them.

I was quite afraid to tell her, but she gave me plenty of encouragement. Once I had revealed this part of me, she thought about it for a short while and said "Well we must do something about this."

We experimented a lot and had much to learn about each other and ourselves, and I think it took many years for us both to get reasonably comfortable about it at the same time.

The idea of having a written contract was one of the things we tried. This was my suggestion, after I had read about it on the Disciplinary Wives Club website. Although P agreed to try it, I don't really think that a contract fits with her approach to life, and particularly not to this part of our relationship. We don't use it any more. From time to time, though, she does remind me that I promised to obey her. That tends to be when she wants a foot massage or some other thing which I perhaps seem reluctant to give.

As regards boundaries or limits, I have never wanted to say any kind of punishment that she chooses to inflict is 'off limits'. On the other hand, I would have to admit I have been quite stroppy at times when I didn't like some aspect of the punishment. Looking back, I think this was my alternative to communicating verbally, when I didn't actually want to say "I want this, and not that."
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby muchinspired » Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:07 pm

mmn. my Top. always posting about me. you flatterer.
i don't think Owl and i will ever stop the discipline. i want it and need it and she wants to give me what i need. like she said, our discipline came about over time-- though she's told me that she knew from the very beginning that i needed discipline. needless to say, caring and intelligent Tops-- (why do uncaring and unintelligent Tops exist?)-- are always right. it's difficult, but i perform my spankings, record them, write essays and apology letters and stand in the corner when i misbehave or am being just plain bad. i'm glad that i have a Top that i can learn with(and from) and who loves me and takes care of me. she's never cold with the discipline and i admire her for that. i don't think i could ever do what she does, because i'd be too detached? i'd have to be when it came to the discipline, you know? that and the sometimes not wanting to take medication, procrastinating, trying to weasel my way out of things...
/sighs
i love you, Owl. thanks for keeping me in my place and loving your wreck of a brat, among other things. <3

oh, also! as an edited side note...
i don't think we'll ever need boundaries because she knows what i need and would never try to hurt me. if forty with the paddle is too much, it's too much. i have bad knees, so kneeling in anything mean like legos would be off limits and just abusive. there's a fine line between discipline and abuse, and Owl and i are both well aware of what that line is. i trust her and she trusts me. we both know each other and love each other too much. it's sort of like... you know that you have a good Dom/Domme when you never have to use a safe word. no relationship should ever have to get to that point.
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby muchinspired » Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:15 pm

... uhm, i'm just all over the place. like usual. erm, it kind of started with a written agreement. ours is very long and very extensive. we need to update it! and also, if i was acting up terribly, i'm sure that Owl would just take me in hand. i don't need to submit to each and every spanking. unless it's a play spanking. i mean, i submit easily to her, but just because she has the opportunity to punish me doesn't mean that she has control all over the board? she doesn't abuse her power and i wouldn't ever let her.
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:56 pm

Eayore wrote:Once I had revealed this part of me, she thought about it for a short while and said "Well we must do something about this."


There is something so sweet about that.

W and I started with discipline five or so months after our wedding. We had spent the summer apart, with her working at a camp and me supposed to be writing my dissertation. I started a blog (Breathing In and Breathing Out... not updated any time recently), and the main focus of that was starting to explore my need for discipline. We'd already done a lot of spanking-related kinky play, but I realized that wasn't quite meeting my needs.

Our discipline started focused on things like my trouble with procrastination, but as time went by we explored what worked for us, and what met both of our needs. It took a long time to get to a place where the main focus of the rules was on what W wanted to get, rather than on what I said that I needed.

In general, W has blanket consent, but that's within boundaries where we are both responsible for being aware of whether something is working, and whether it's pushing either of our limits in ways that they shouldn't be pushed. This goes for both physical and emotional things. One of our core rules is that neither of us is a mind-reader, which (in the context of a specific punishment) means that communication needs to go both ways. W can't give me what I need unless I let her know what that is; I can't do what W wants unless she lets *me* know what that is.
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Nat » Wed May 02, 2012 10:56 pm

1 Did it start with a verbal or written agreement-- with you giving your submission to him/her. Or did it just naturally evolve from when you first met

It wasn’t something we talked about but was something we both wanted, so for us it just naturally evolved.

2 Were there rules , like the 3 Ds agreed to? Or specific rules set up with specific consequences?

We’ve never had well-defined rules, or specific consequences. Over time I’ve learned what I’m likely to be punished for, although Liz will sometimes surprise me, and depending on what I’m being punished for the consequences are often predictable.

3. Was your hoh given "blanket consent" to spank you by force if needed or do you have to specifically submit to each spanking?

Liz has blanket consent to spank me, whenever she thinks it's needed. I have to submit to each spanking – Liz couldn’t force it physically even if she wanted to (and I don't think she would). But she’s very strong-willed, and can “force” me vocally and emotionally when submittal doesn’t happen right away.

4. Whose idea was it?

Liz led the way for us, starting with playful threats and an occasional semi-playful swat when she was unhappy with me about something, like not being ready on time when we were going somewhere. Then when we'd been dating a few months I got drunk and did something that actually made her angry and she said something like "You need a spanking". I wasn't sure whether she was serious, but I guess I hoped she was so I took the leap and agreed with her.

5 Were there any boundaries agreed to as to punishments (hard limits)?

Not initially, but it’s clear that she’s put a lot of thought and effort into figuring out my limits – or preferences – and has been careful to stay within them. Lately, since I found out that dd hasn’t been meeting her needs as much as mine, I’ve convinced her not to worry as much about what I want and to pay more attention to what she needs.
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Eayore » Sat May 05, 2012 5:21 pm

Nat wrote:Then when we'd been dating a few months I ... did something that actually made her angry and she said something like "You need a spanking". I wasn't sure whether she was serious, but I guess I hoped she was so I took the leap and agreed with her.

That's a conversation I dream of having!
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby splorange » Mon May 07, 2012 4:07 pm

Eayore wrote:
Nat wrote:Then when we'd been dating a few months I ... did something that actually made her angry and she said something like "You need a spanking". I wasn't sure whether she was serious, but I guess I hoped she was so I took the leap and agreed with her.

That's a conversation I dream of having!


Lol, make that 2 of us :) well I am walking on air after last night and this morning spent at my boyfriend (hereafter to be known as 'the chief') 's house. It was our first time under the new rules, I only needed one punishment based on prior misbehaviour, but got about 3 as we negotiated what was going to be required to motivate me to do what I'm supposed to (I hate spankings while receiving them, but usually want another ten minutes later, so I need to be expecting a bad one for it to work!) Christ, run-on sentence much?! Anyway, We've been discussing this for ages, but I had a lot of feminist quandaries surrounding it, and the chief would never push it as he's pretty afraid to hurt me. But I have a major project coming up that i've been procrastinating on, in particular not getting up in the mornings, and i badly needed to stop doing that, so for this week to begin with the rule is i must leave the house by half 8 in the morning, and be working by 9. Once I'm there, I don't tend to take too many breaks or be otherwise lazy. Anyway.... I don't know whether there's a heaven, but I'm pretty sure it feels like a sore arse :dancing:
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Nat » Thu May 10, 2012 7:53 pm

Eayore wrote:
Nat wrote:Then when we'd been dating a few months I ... did something that actually made her angry and she said something like "You need a spanking". I wasn't sure whether she was serious, but I guess I hoped she was so I took the leap and agreed with her.

That's a conversation I dream of having!


My one recommendation is that if you ever DO have that conversation, have it when you haven't been drinking. Otherwise you won't sufficiently appreciate it while it's going on, or remember much about it later. :)
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Eayore » Thu May 10, 2012 8:22 pm

That sounds like very good advice, Nat. Thank you!
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby fhgsrfe » Tue Jun 26, 2012 11:51 pm

We went on a personal development weekend workshop together, entitled Sexuality, and part of this involved sharing our fantasies with others (in small groups). Although we were not together during that part, when we got home P asked me what I had said. Up to that point, I had never talked about my DD fantasies with her, and before that weekend I don't think I had ever talked to anyone about them.
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Homebody » Wed Jun 27, 2012 2:06 am

My girlfriend (wife now!) and I were living together at the time. I wrote her an incredibly brave note (in my opinion), explaining how I thought I should be spanked for missing chores around the house. I ended the note by saying that if she thought I was just being too weird she should throw me over the balcony :P

Needless to say, I've not fallen from any balconies. We've had some version of DD since, with new variations continously being developed.

1 Did it start with a verbal or written agreement-- with you giving your submission to him/her. Or did it just naturally evolve from when you first met
"there was no written agreement to begin wtih, but we have since established written contracts.
2 Were there rules , like the 3 Ds agreed to?Or specific rules set up with specific consequences?
"the three rules dont really apply to us as those arent issues in our relationship for the most part. We do have specific rules with a little bit of wiggle room for non-specified rules."
3. Was your hoh given "blanket consent" to spank you by force if needed or do you have to specifically submit to each spanking?
"this is a fuzzy question in our arrangement. blanket consent extends to the idea that previously non-specified tasks can be assigned and enforced, but spanking only follows from previously dictated tasks."
4. Whose idea was it?
"my idea"
5 Were there any boundaries agreed to as to punishments (hard limits)?
"there are no hard limits specifically enumerated, but they are generally understood. I know my wife cannot/will not accept anything beyond a fairly limited point, which I do not cross. She is still learning what is acceptable as far as I'm concerned(she can generally be much harder)"
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby Eayore » Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:22 pm

fhgsrfe wrote:We went on a personal development weekend workshop together, entitled Sexuality, and part of this involved sharing our fantasies with others (in small groups). Although we were not together during that part, when we got home P asked me what I had said. Up to that point, I had never talked about my DD fantasies with her, and before that weekend I don't think I had ever talked to anyone about them.

Hi, fhgsrfe! Was this copied from my earlier post above? Would be interested to hear about how it started for you too.
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Re: How did TTWD start for you?

Postby lana » Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:22 am

I just realized that i never got round to answering this ...
So here goes:
1 Did it start with a verbal or written agreement-- with you giving your submission to him/her. Or did it just naturally evolve from when you first met
Verbal but not written-- and it did evolve over time.

2 Were there rules , like the 3 Ds agreed to?Or specific rules set up with specific consequences?
Yes we had certain kind of silly rules --like im never allowed to answer with "whatever" unless im looking for a quick trip OTK --but basically the three Ds cover about everything

3. Was your hoh given "blanket consent" to spank you by force if needed or do you have to specifically submit to each spanking? yes he does have blanket consent to spank me --by force if i wont stay in place--even if im pleading to stop. Ive never refused to submit at the beginning so dont know what hed do then--wed prolly talk it out, but in our agreement the final decision of whether to punish or not is left to him.
4. Whose idea was it? Actually Id had a dd relationship in the past from my ex so i liked it so i was the proposer of it but we already did foreplay spanking and roleplay spanking so he took to it pretty readily. I think possibly he was a vanilla with a chocolate inside.


5 Were there any boundaries agreed to as to punishments (hard limits)?

Originally the cane was on my hard limits but no longer--we even have a Delrin now. Also on my hard limits is anything where im spanked anywhere other than the bottom or upper thighs. anal sex, butt plugs, ginger roots and any gags or handcuffs (im too claustrophobic), threesomes, are all on my hard limits list as well. [Not that hes ever tried or asked for any of these anyways.]

lana :llama:
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