Can 24/5work?

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

Can 24/5work?

Postby blackbird » Thu Sep 27, 2012 3:47 am

Hello again all.

I haven't been writing much lately because T and I split up in the summer. Or rather, he went home to live, finally, and it tore ttwd asunder. I have realised I need a 24/7 arrangement to feel safe, and he just can't offer it. I understand all the reasons why, he is not treating me badly over it, but he won't accept that his need to have 2 days away from me each week, makes it very hard for my sub self to rely on him. When I say away, I mean not be my dominant, even remotely. I have written here before about needing a high level of submission and it's quite shameful to me that it's so, but there it is.

I would appreciate anyone's thoughts as I ponder on whether I should compromise and try to make it work 24/5.

Nice to be back. :)

Blackbird
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby LadyShriver1 » Thu Sep 27, 2012 3:03 pm

Hmmm... I haven't been in this situation, but my feeling is ANYTHING can work for the right people. I think you more need to figure out ifit will work for you.

I don't think there's a lot you can do about the feel of not being able to rely on T as your Top during those days, but can you rely on him for other support? Does he answer the phone if you're upset, etc...

Also, is there some way you can keep it going for you when he's away, like keeping a journal, doing a task that he will appreciate when he returns, etc..?
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby blackbird » Thu Sep 27, 2012 4:28 pm

LadyShriver1 wrote:Hmmm... I haven't been in this situation, but my feeling is ANYTHING can work for the right people. I think you more need to figure out ifit will work for you.

I don't think there's a lot you can do about the feel of not being able to rely on T as your Top during those days, but can you rely on him for other support? Does he answer the phone if you're upset, etc...

Also, is there some way you can keep it going for you when he's away, like keeping a journal, doing a task that he will appreciate when he returns, etc..?



Thank you LadyShriver. And really helpful thoughts, especially the first.
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby Eayore » Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:01 pm

There is not much I can think of to add to LadyShriver's post. In my case, if I get 24 minutes in a month I can count myself lucky.
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby blackbird » Sun Oct 07, 2012 4:12 am

Oh Eayore....! What a contrast we are....

After much awfulness about this, I've decided today to make something work and trust to the dom I know is there in T. His expectations of space are clearly reasonable, it's just been a struggle with my unreasonable sub self that's caused all the heart-ache - and the time to adjust to our new circumstances and get him settled in his flat also needs time. So I'm going to suggest a looser ttwd arrangement that nevertheless holds me to account for my behaviour, towards myself and him. I look forward to posting something positive next time!

B
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby lana » Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:57 pm

I think if he(my hoh) was away for the two days and if it were necessary that he was (like for work)i could handle it; and i actually do since this has happened recently. Just I dont think i could handle his going away on purpose just to not be in charge. Or staying in his own place when we could be together. Not so much because it would be dependence as it would feel like "why would he not be here if he could?"
Altho i agree with Lady Shriver saying it depends why and depends on the person, generally speaking I'd not want to be in a relationship like that because it would prolly feel hurtful to me. :thinking: :thinking:
The one thing i know i couldnt handle would be if he switched to a sub role for 2 days a week. Id be too turned off and confused by that.

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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby Louise » Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:41 pm

Where does he go when he is not with you? I don't understand what your domestic setup is.
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby blackbird » Tue Oct 09, 2012 4:09 am

The set-up is he has his own flat not far away. He lived with me for a year while it was being done up and has gone back to live there. So, as Lana says, it has been very difficult to meet my submissive needs when I felt "he doesn't want to be with me".

But there has been progress. A lot. We have talked much and both understand better how to manage time between us. I needed it to be explained, very carefully, what he wants time FOR. And it's time for him, to process, let his mind roam, be the intellectual he is, Time to deal with the past, especially his failed marriage which wounded him to the core and to not have to give anything - which he has done too much of all his life, rather than be in touch with his own needs.

We have put together a schedule of the week, he keeps my diary and decides what happens when. He is quite happy (I misunderstood out of fear and anger) to be in contact and monitor my tasks when away. He doesn't need to switch off completely, which makes all the difference to me.

So we are back to doing all the good stuff we found in the past. It's tricky and will take a lot of working at, but he's a very good man - just a hurt one in deep ways. I am hoping now that the sheer awfulness of our being unable to help each other is over. When it works, ttwd is security for us both. When it doesn't we fall into the abyss. We are climbing slowly up again.

Thanks for writing to me and commenting. It's such a help.

B
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby lana » Tue Oct 09, 2012 9:15 pm

blackbird wrote:The set-up is he has his own flat not far away. He lived with me for a year while it was being done up and has gone back to live there. So, as Lana says, it has been very difficult to meet my submissive needs when I felt "he doesn't want to be with me".

But there has been progress. A lot. We have talked much and both understand better how to manage time between us. I needed it to be explained, very carefully, what he wants time FOR. And it's time for him, to process, let his mind roam, be the intellectual he is, Time to deal with the past, especially his failed marriage which wounded him to the core and to not have to give anything - which he has done too much of all his life, rather than be in touch with his own needs.

We have put together a schedule of the week, he keeps my diary and decides what happens when. He is quite happy (I misunderstood out of fear and anger) to be in contact and monitor my tasks when away. He doesn't need to switch off completely, which makes all the difference to me.

So we are back to doing all the good stuff we found in the past. It's tricky and will take a lot of working at, but he's a very good man - just a hurt one in deep ways. I am hoping now that the sheer awfulness of our being unable to help each other is over. When it works, ttwd is security for us both. When it doesn't we fall into the abyss. We are climbing slowly up again.

Thanks for writing to me and commenting. It's such a help.

B

Sounds like this can work out fine as long as you take it for what it is. If you can remain selfconfidant and dont take his need for solitude personally, and if he keeps up his 'disciplining at a distance' in a predictable steady manner, your needs can be met. :)

lana :llama:
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby LadyShriver1 » Tue Oct 23, 2012 3:13 pm

This sounds like it can be a doable situation for you, and I'm so glad. I also appreciate your comments on the difference bewtween what you perceived while hurt and what T's vision of the situation was. I can be so unreasonable sometimes when I'm hurt, and I can imagine the worst in any situation if I don't remind myself to comunicate.

Hope things keep going well.
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue Oct 23, 2012 11:20 pm

Coming late to the conversation....

For me, it would be about communication. W and I haven't had much time apart, and I'm more often the one who initiates that (I'm an introvert, and if I don't get time alone, I really start to get unbalanced and unhappy; she's an extrovert and could be happy being with me 24/7). But in terms of other things in our relationship, the more structure we build for communication, the more I'm able to trust her, and the more we can both relax and take things as they come.

I've discovered that it isn't even difficult to go without much overt discipline, so long as I know why, and am able to trust that it isn't because she's reluctant, or because she doesn't love me, etc. But it took us *years* of work to get to this point. And I definitely think it's something that needs to be worked out in each relationship (and re-worked-out, since people change).
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby blackbird » Sun Nov 10, 2013 3:14 pm

Am just re-reading this very painful time as T sold his flat this week, and we are now together. Ironically, the stress of it all has triggered off our "stuff" but it will even out again. We are just too good together....

I am so struck by TTWD being a response to unmet needs tonight. How it faithfully delineates the curves, reframes the wounds.... initiates a dialogue between unspoken selves. Sorry, that sounds a bit up its arse!!! But I wish it was something we understood in a more mainstream way. I have a feeling that will be the next revolution in human thought. Allowing and understanding our sexual urges as a way of exploring healing.

None of this well put. Just musing. And very much feeling I don't know what I would have done without this forum last year. And now everyone has left the room, it seems!! I wonder who it out there needing this and discouraged by the lack of posting....

But you can't push the river.....

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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby LadyShriver1 » Tue Nov 12, 2013 2:49 pm

God, I wish I could use a phrase like "up it's arse" with my accent, but I just don't think it would sound right.

That being said...I think what you wrote was lovely. And really perceptive. In it's glory, DD can be all of those things!

On the note of semantical differences, I've never heard that you can't push the river (but I get it). I prefer, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby blackbird » Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:57 pm

Don't push the river - it's a Gestalt therapy phrase!! I have the book of that name and it's well kooky.... Can you say kooky? :-D
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Re: Can 24/5work?

Postby Eayore » Tue Nov 12, 2013 8:29 pm

I too thought what you wrote was very nicely put. And yes, I am a little discouraged by the lack of posting. I think particularly by JA as it makes me wonder what is happening there.
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