another sunday

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

another sunday

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:13 pm

w reminded me that i'm supposed to write about this week's spanking. it's been a while since my last one, since last week kind of slipped by without one. but the thing is, i've kept up with following my rules pretty much, so it's one of those times when it feels hard to believe i really need the maintenance.

but i guess the fact is, the maintenance is why i'm able to manage to keep things kind of together. it doesn't help that i've been kind of wiped out lately, so it's pretty tiring for me just to sit up for a little bit to write this post.

we went over the rules, and discussed how important it is for me to follow them. w reminded me as she gave me the spanking that trying to get out of a spanking is not ok, and it's her job to decide whether i need one, and how long it will go on. because i did try to convince her i didn't need a spanking, or at least i was asking not to get it. so that probably got me a harder spanking... i don't know though, because i know she went pretty easy on me.

i hope i can keep up with following the rules. i guess it won't be too hard for as long as i'm feeling this rotten, because i just don't have the energy to break any rules.
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Re: another sunday

Postby Eayore » Thu Feb 26, 2009 7:27 pm

Sounds a tough one. In the end, do you want the maintenance even though you've been good, or don't you? Would it help if maintenance was given in a different way to punishment for breaking rules, e.g. with something soft which doesn't hurt but does just remind you to behave?
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Re: another sunday

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:24 pm

well, much as i don't want the maintenance spankings, they do seem to be helpful. it's been a good long while since i got a punishment spanking (knock wood), and i've been better at following rules, and not needing to test as much. both w and i appreciate that!

as for the spankings, they are *much* lighter if i haven't broken any rules. while they're happening, it doesn't feel that way, but i can tell the difference immediately afterward. and w has gotten pretty good at keeping things focused, which also helps.
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Re: another sunday

Postby Britana » Fri Feb 27, 2009 12:00 pm

What are folk’s thoughts on discipline v. maintenance spankings?

As a preliminary matter, I’m not sure if the forum has already gone through the discipline v. punishment discussion. As I have come to accept, discipline is conditioning to teach, modify and correct behavior. It is more intended to educate about what is expected and to ingrain that in the submissive. A well disciplined sub understands what is expected and is able to follow the rules in most cases. Punishment is a consequence of misbehavior. Punishment is not given to help the submissive understand what they are intended to do, but as a result of doing something they clearly knew they should not. You are punished for you did (or did not do), but you a disciplined to learn what to do (or not do).

Maintenance spankings (or even maintenance discipline as it may be called) seem to come close to that line and have always seemed more like discipline to me personally. They seem intended to “remind” of what you are supposed to do and to help you remember that breaking a rule will result in punishment. They clearly are NOT punishment, so if for no other reason they may be closer to discipline (assuming no other categorization).

In any event, because of this belief for me, I like to separate the two and really dislike the same physical act being used for both. If spanked for punishment, then I think maintenance spankings, no matter how much lighter, get too close to the same sensations and are easily confused and subject to mixed messages. There are any number of people out there that object to maintenance spankings on the idea that if they are going to get spanked anyway, why follow the rules?

I also like the concept that maintenance/discipline is applied over a longer period of time. This is probably just a personal preference, but I think when the intent is to remind me to stay focused on my partner and our rules, it helps to keep that mental focus for a longer period. For these reasons, we like to use more endurance type acts. Enforced chastity is great for males; corner time (with/without “props” such as high heels/coins, or kneeling); strict bondage (a tight hogtie for 30 minutes followed by a recitation of rules); sleep restrictions (just cuff the ankles together one night and watch how often you are reminded to “behave”).

This just kinda jumped out at me and I thought I’d toss it out there. What are other’s thoughts?
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Re: another sunday

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:14 pm

i've been meaning to respond to this post for a while, and i thought i had, but i guess i hadn't. oh well, i'm responding now. :)

anyhow. i think one thing to consider is that just because a couple is engaged in some form of ttwd, there isn't necessarily a dom/sub relationship happening. people who know me and w in person wouldn't really think that she was the dominant one (or that i could possibly be submissive--i'm way too bossy for that!)

we started having maintenance spankings not long after we started ttwd. it was partially to make things more predictable, and because it meant that i'd get a spanking regardless of whether i'd broken rules, which we kind of hoped would help me not to break rules just because i was needing a spanking. there's still an element of that.

but part of the maintenance in w's and my use of ttwd is just that--taking care of those little bits and pieces of stuff that need to get taken care of. it's like sweeping the hallways, or changing the oil in the car. it's routine, and it kind of clears things up. a lot of the time, if i've gotten away with something during the week, it will come up at some point during the sunday spanking. it also helps to remind both of us that ttwd is happening, and to make sure we're checking in about it. there are times (like recently) when i go for a good long while without actually earning a punishment.

both w and i are likely to slide into bad habits, stop checking in about rules, all of that. but with the sundays, we tend to keep track of things a little better.

but i think there's still the question of how things work in any given relationship. for me and w, there's a lot of value in using the maintenance spankings, and it doesn't work nearly as well when we skip the spanking part of that. it's like an inoculation or something, so that the smaller dose helps to prevent my needing a larger dose of spanking during the week. it's not 100%, but it definitely helps.

i guess the other thing is that, for me, it's really necessary to have an outlet where i can break the rules safely. it's true that it would be better if i would just follow the rules, not needing punishment to stay in line. frankly, though, if the point were actually for me to follow the rules without punishment, i wouldn't need the rules. for me the point is to be able to *break* the rules and know that there will be a punishment, that the punishment will be reasonable and consistent, and that it is safe for me to f*ck up.

when i was growing up, sure, there was abuse, but 99% of the time, i just didn't break the rules (really, so long as someone had said before what they wanted me to do, i did it without being told or reminded; it was when someone made up a rule after the fact, and when that rule was the opposite of what it had been the day before, that i had problems).

i guess what i'm saying is that there are some relationships, and mine is one of them, where it's not a matter of me submitting to my partner so much as a matter of rules, discipline, and punishments help me to feel safe, and give me a very contained space in which i can allow myself to break the rules. and since i seem to be spending a large chunk of my adult life figuring out that it's safe to break rules, rule-breaking needs to be a part of ttwd for me.

maintenance spankings are mostly useful in that they help to ease the need to break rules when i just need a spanking, and they serve as a reminder that, while breaking rules is safe, the results aren't the least bit *fun* for me.
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Re: another sunday

Postby LadyShriver1 » Sun Jul 31, 2011 12:05 am

Amen Jigsaw. For me, who is very new to TTWD, but find it working well, maintenance spankings seem to be the key so far. I wanted to enter into this to let go of some control, and know there would be consequences for behaviors that even I don't want to enagge in. But my HOH is also learning. The agreement to maintenance spankings really intensified my fear that he would not, in fact follow through with this whole lifestyle...until, much to my surprise, he did! Now I can relax and continue to focus on our relationship. The maintenance is a reminder of our choice to try this lifestyle and keeps me from trying to "earn" a spanking, which would totally defeat the purpose. The maintenance spanking isn's anything like a punishment spanking, but gets me back into that frame of mind I want to be in. We've agreed that we might not always need this, but my HOH will decide when I don't need it anymore! And, as much as it is an outlet for my anxiety about they whole thing, it gives him a chance to practice when there's no serious infraction to deal with. So far, so good.
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Re: another sunday

Postby Eayore » Sun Jul 31, 2011 3:34 am

That sounds really good. Nice job hoh!
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