Safe Words?

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

Safe Words?

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Sat Nov 10, 2007 9:02 pm

So, I guess the idea of safe words is more of a bdsm concept than a DD concept, and I'm betting most of you don't use them.

S and I do, and at first, I felt bad about this, like, I wasn't really "paying in full" for a mistake I made, if I used a safe word when I felt like I'd had as much as I could stand. By as much as I can stand, I don't mean that it hurts (b/c to my mind, and S', it should), but for me, there's a point at which, particularly if she's using an implement, like a belt or a paddle, that I get scared, and it hurts enough that I can't be still.

Her philosophy is that if I've reached that point, I've "paid" as much as I need to, and it just happens that in that case, particularly since we're new to this, I knew it before she did.

She doesn't try to whale on me until I use my safe word, and I can't imagine using it just b/c the spanking hurt.

But I'm curious, do any of you have a safe word? And if you don't, well, how does your partner know/decide when enough is enough when spanking you? Do you ever find yourself hurting enough to try to resist the punishment? Shout, "NO, that hurts!!"??

I'd like to eliminate the safe word between S and I for punishment spankings, but I think she'll be hesitant to do so. I'm curious about how this works for the rest of y'all.

Thanks!
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Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Nov 11, 2007 12:42 am

W and I don't exactly use safe words, but we don't exactly NOT. I mean, our "safe word" generally is one of us saying something along the lines of, "Okay, this is pushing boundaries in a way that isn't useful." And we take a break, and stop to talk. From there, we either continue with what was happening, or not.
:hmm:
I guess this is a matter of, we're in a pretty similar place. W may chime in about her side of things.

And it's hard, because on the one hand, while a spanking is *happening* I often want it to stop RIGHT THEN. Yes, I say it hurts. Yes, I say I want it to stop. But one thing W has learned to do is listen to the difference between me saying I don't *want* any more, and me saying I don't *need* any more.

If that's "topping from the bottom," so be it. I don't give up my awareness of my self, and how I am feeling, and how I am responding, just because I am on the receiving end of a punishment spanking.

I do my best not to lie in that situation. W generally finds out whether a spanking has been "enough" by asking. This isn't ideal (because taking breaks in the middle kind of reduces the effectiveness of a spanking). But until we learn to read each others' minds, it's probably the best bet.

With us, it's quite often more that W is reluctant to spank as long as it takes to make the spanking effective (and it's hard to explain that, generally for me, moderately hard and long is way more effective than very hard and short). She's worried about hurting me (ironic, isn't it?) So we're working on building up trust in each other, that kind of thing. But it takes a lot of time, and a lot of work.


Still :hmm:

It's very important to me that punishments be something W and I can talk about, and that I feel like she's really listening to my feedback about them. And that may mean that I have some say about what the punishment is, and get the chance to explain why it is I think it's not working.

But it's always a challenge. Particularly because I have parts (um, okay, so I-the-part am one of those parts) who tend to respond to feeling like she's not going to follow through by wanting to call off the whole arrangement. And this time around (more than a month at this point), W has been a champion at sticking to the rules and structure, even when I resist. Too bad it's not a movie, so I could respond to her consistency by suddenly being able to fully trust that she'll keep on following through.

Or maybe this is the long version of one of those montages, and at the end of the montage, I'll be all trusting and good. We'll see. I haven't been hearing the music, but if it's a montage, I guess I'd only hear the music for a couple of seconds every so often... (I think I'm a little punchy tonight.)
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Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Sun Nov 11, 2007 3:35 pm

Thanks for chiming in on this! It really helps me to hear that I'm not crazy for feeling like I DO have some say in the level of punishment I receive, and that that's okay.

I think what I'd like to change (or rather, discuss with S about changing) is having one word that means the spanking ends immediately, period.

I think I'd rather communicate with her (even via ow, ow, OW!) during the spanking and then trust her to pay attention to my communication, and the level of pain I'm experiencing to know whether or not to pause, smack harder, or stop altogether. If that makes sense.

On a slight side note--longer spankings work best for me as well--if only b/c if it's a fast hard spanking, I tend to safe word quickly--the pain just builds to fast for me to handle it, even though I haven't yet been thoroughly PUNISHED. And the longer spanking tends to stay with me for several days...in more than one sense.

I broke a promise to S a couple weeks ago, and I think I spent about half an hour over her lap--she was great about stopping to lecture me, before picking up the belt and smacking away til I was near tears, then stopping to lecture me for a minute again, before repeating the process. It was the spanking that never freaking ended, and one that I can assure you I won't forget any time soon.

Edited for grammar mistakes (what? I minored in English!)
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Postby Rose » Sun Nov 11, 2007 4:26 pm

Hubby and I use the "red light" and "yellow light" system. "Red" means that something disastrous has happened, or is about to happen (like getting sick or something), and we need to STOP NOW. "Yellow" means that something is wrong that isn't supposed to be wrong at the moment, like I kicked and stubbed a toe hard, so we need to pause for a moment to make sure that no real damage was done and/or adjust my position, before we continue on.

I've never had to use either word. It is in place mainly to make my husband feel safer that he won't do lasting damage to me. I, however, do my best to not use them unless it is absolutely justified. I need to feel that he is in control of my punishment... after all, I offered him no control when I chose to break a rule, so I should get no control over the consequences.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby heavennoth » Sat Jun 28, 2008 9:50 pm

Currently, we do not have a safe word.
I am thinking more about it, considering we have had some bad experiences due to us not having one, not having "boundaries."
The thing is that I know it would be SO easy for me to use the safe word just when things would get too intense. I don't know yet if I am ready to institute a safeword.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby Naughty butt Nice » Sun Jun 29, 2008 12:35 am

My hubby and I do not currently have a safe word, we use to, but I never used it so we just dropped it. We instituted one when we first started, but I didn't like having one. I never felt that he would ever get me to a point that I would ever have to use a safe word.

My hubby does have a tendancy to watch my body signs, the pitch of my voice when I say things, and the phrasing of what I say. He says that he can tell when enough is enough just from these things.

Although, since we have implemented our new system, this warrants that I will get longer spankings that build in intensity and the number of strokes that we do per night has been tested to make sure that they will fall within what I can handle at one time. If there are more strokes that night than I can handle in one go then I am given a sort of time out. I am to sit on a kitchen chair for 1 hour and think about what is to come and when we start again we start with another warm up.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby DaddysLucy » Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:32 am

We do have a safeword, but we also "play" a lot with D/s, so I don't know that it's as much for the DD. For us, though, it is a way of acknowledging that while communication is important, he cannot read my mind. There may be a time someday when he goes too far because he misreads my body language, or I think I can take more than I can.

I think that having a safeword, especially just starting out, is a good thing, but I also think it should be used with caution. Rose's "red light, yellow light" system can work really well for letting your top know when he/she has gone far enough, and should go know farther, versus when he/she has gone too far, you know? Then, your top will gradually learn your body language and other clues and you probably won't need to use your safeword(s) as often.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:50 am

we have safewords, but use them very rarely (i can think of maybe twice, if that many times).

but i think lucy is right, that it's a way of acknowledging we can't read each other's minds. w doesn't necessarily know psychically when something is too much, or isn't working.

for me, it's particularly important to have the safe words because it's a way of making it clear to myself that this thing we do is definitely different from abuse. having the knowledge that, if something is causing problems, it can be stopped helps me to understand that i am safe.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby GF1 » Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:07 pm

T. refused to even consider DD without a safe word. Ours is more for her feelings than my bottom. I have never used the safe word yet and we also have a way to indicate if something needs to change. Of course, we are just now to the stage where T is deciding when to stop without my signal. So far she is fairly close to where I would have indicated I had enough, although she still has a tendency to stop a bit too soon rather than too late.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Thu Jul 03, 2008 1:34 am

i've told w quite a few times that, really, it's better to go a little too far than not quite far enough. because, in the end, i trust her enough to know she isn't going to abuse that option, and that it's better for her to go further than she thinks is necessary, because there's really nothing she will do when spanking that will cause me lasting harm.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby Eayore » Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:50 pm

heavennoth wrote:Currently, we do not have a safe word.
I am thinking more about it, considering we have had some bad experiences due to us not having one, not having "boundaries."
The thing is that I know it would be SO easy for me to use the safe word just when things would get too intense. I don't know yet if I am ready to institute a safeword.


Heavennoth, I've only just caught up on this topic. Have you found a way now to avoid the bad experiences you are talking about? If not, maybe a safe word would be useful for you, (despite the reservations you have about using it too readily!)
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby Lisababe » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:50 pm

We've never used safe words because as you say, that is more like bdsm. Also, my husband says that's like topping from the bottom, which he WILL NOT ALLOW, and I agree.

I am writing as though the husband is the HOH, but know that is not always the case. Every HOH needs to know his wife very well. He needs to know her body language. He needs to know what that particular sigh, cry, or sob means. He needs to know what that red mark means as a red mark on my butt does not mean the same thing on my rump as it may mean on soneone else's. He needs to know what his wife his feeling, and when she is trully repintant and sorry for what she's done.

We've had times, when we've reached the finish line at the same time. Other times, I have been crying and pleading that it hurts or I could not take it any more to which Billy has been like,"You will take as much as I decide to give you", and been a little irate about it. He will be like,"You are being punished, it's supposed to hurt, and I don't expect to hear any complaints". It's tough to hear, but I understand why.

Take Care,

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Re: Safe Words?

Postby Britana » Thu Jan 15, 2009 2:44 pm

We have safe words (or more like phrases), but we have never used them. We can simply foresee a time where something like that needs to be used and want the security of knowing it's there. Topping from the bottom? Well maybe if it is used often one could say so, but if it something rarely if ever used, I see no way it could be construed that way. Bottom line, if there is some sort of medical emergency (chest pain, near vomitting with a gag in, difficulty breathing) which could be overlooked no matter how attentive the diciplinarian is, it needs to be brought up IMMEDIATELY.
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby Naughty butt Nice » Fri Jan 16, 2009 12:53 am

Britana wrote:near vomitting with a gag in


Not trying to be rude or smart mouthed, I am just curious if you have a gag in how you are going to say the safe word? We don't use gags in my relationship so I am just curious, do they block all speech or can you talk around them just muffled? :blush:
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Re: Safe Words?

Postby Britana » Fri Jan 16, 2009 7:20 am

We use the "shave and a haircut" pattern anytime one person loses their voice (i.e. gag, hood). We also have a safe word that can be used (if it can be), and safe signals (either rapid blinking of the eyes or putting the thumb and pinky together in an "O" shape). That's probably a lot of overkill and maybe silly, but these have worked well for us (meaning there has not been much confusion if they are being used or not and we have never had a time when they were needed and didn't work).
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