hard limits

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

hard limits

Postby GF1 » Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:25 pm

T and I have been talking about limits after the subject was broached in the bottom's part of this site and so I thought I would share some of ours and see if people, either tops or bottoms, would share theirs.
For me, no canes. For some reason that implement just scares me and it scares T even more, so we are evenly matched on that one. We also both agree on no spanking other than on butt and thighs, for example, no hands or feet and such. because of too many bones. I probably do not have any limit that T would be willing to cross on her own.
Most of T's limits, I would happily cross. T will not spank me if I am bruised more than just a few light bruises here and there. Absolutely not for at least two or three days and she really prefers to wait longer. Also T will absolutely not have anything to do with any sort of physical restraint on me and T refused to even think about TTWD unless I was willing to have a safe word for both spanking and for bad moods. I guess the other hard limit for T is she will not assert authority in an argument or disagreement and spank me if I hurt her feelings.
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Re: hard limits

Postby DramaQueen » Tue Nov 03, 2009 1:56 pm

Those sound really reasonable.
My only issue right now is pregnancy related, justthat I've got 12 weeks till this little one is here. We had an issue yesterday where he was concerned, and refused to use anything other than hand or belt for boot camp issues.
He also has said no where other than butt or thighs.
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Re: hard limits

Postby Eayore » Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:41 pm

The hard limit for me that springs to mind is being punished in public (or when there's a danger that children will see or hear)> Not that that is ever likely to happen.

For my top, there are a lot of things she won't do that I rather wish she would. Caning the hands is something she won't consider because she says the marks would be 'too public'.
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Re: hard limits

Postby BickaBecka » Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:58 pm

For me, two hard limits that spring to mind are: -
- Anything that causes a flashback.
- Anything that makes me feel unsafe.

They're partially linked, but the first is more about memories, the second is more about real situations. Of course, flashbacks make me feel unsafe, and things that make me feel unsafe usually cause flashbacks too. So they're intertwined, but separated for the purpose of clarity.

*Note: I usually use the term 'panic attack' because I think flashback sounds too dramatic, but I've been recently told that while 'panic attack' is less dramatic, it's also less accurate, and could lead people to misunderstanding what's going on. Of course, I'm not sure anyone who hasn't experienced one really knows what a flashback is like. In my opinion, the movies don't do a great job depicting it.
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Re: hard limits

Postby G.D. » Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:47 pm

It occurs to me that this is something we have never really discussed. This now seems really odd; but is a result of an incredible amount of mutual trust. Although we have had a safeword system in place for both of us for years. We also use a traffic light system which I highly recommend.

From my point of view I need it clear that there is a difference between Girl & H - although the dividing line between them becomes increasingly blurred the further we delve into ttwd - it is essential for me that we both know that the rules are different for Girl & non-exisitent for H.
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Re: hard limits

Postby topper2 » Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:53 pm

I am the one in our relationship with more boundaries about what I will not do to Gf rather than her having limits on me. It has taken time for her to not try to push me past my absolute limits on what I will not do. I am not naturally inclined to tell other adults in an equal status situation how to act or what to do. In fact, Gf is much more likely to be bossy or a rule setter than I am. I try to balance Gf's needs/wants with my need not to feel like an abuser or a parent to her.
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Re: hard limits

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:32 pm

We have both discussed our hard limits, but more in a BDSM way than a spanking way. For example, scat, electric play, knife play, breathe play, and anything that could cause bleeding and/or any sort of actual damage are not even remotely considered.

As far as spankings--no wire hangars and no hairbrushes, as a mutual hard limit because of past abuse I've suffered with those implements.

Otherwise, anything that would display our sex life/private life to the general public is considered a limit for our benefit and theirs--there are ppl who I'm sure would prefer not to see me naked, and my naked body is for S alone (though we are still somewhat undecided about pics off my spanked butt around here).

Interestingly enough, we seem to share hard limits. Which is a good thing. I also think that for the most part, if something is a hard limit for S, I'm inclined to adopt it as well--if she's not comfortable with it, I'm not at all comfortable with making her uncomfortable. The reverse seems to be true as well.

She is more concerned about bruising than me--I'd say a soft limit of hers is bruising, and mild-moderate bruising isn't a limit at all for me--WITH S--she is allowed to bruise me as much as she feels like, because of the trust we've developed. That wouldn't be true with anyone else...but then, I wouldn't be being spanked by anyone else, so...now I feel like I'm talking in circles.
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Re: hard limits

Postby Homeatlast » Sun Nov 08, 2009 6:05 am

Our discussions have been more around trying to get IC to go a little further. I think anything she thought was appropriate I would accept as I trust she would never do anything to really hurt me.
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Re: hard limits

Postby G.D. » Sun Nov 08, 2009 8:13 am

Further to my realisation that we had not really discussed this - we have been. So thanks to the posting for that. Here are my latest thoughts.

I am a dominant disciplinarian, not a sadist, so corporal punishment stays behind certain lines & Girl trusts me not cross them.

No ttwd in public totally depends on where we are - sometimes it is very useful we we are out (family visits especially).

Girl is my submissive bottom, not my slave; I prefer certain things to be done in a certain way & Girl can follow these ways if she wishes to please me, but housework/domestic chores are not part of the deal. I suppose this is my hard limit (and I am aware it contrats quite starkly with what has been written about the other Tops on here). I do not want 'keeping house' to become part of it - I feel this is much more open to abuse than other aspects of ttwd.
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Re: hard limits

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Mon Nov 09, 2009 10:30 pm

i think like onesong and s, our "hard limits" discussions have been much more related to bdsm than to discipline, and the limits have shifted over time.

there are some things i can't foresee doing, just because i can't see a practical disciplinary purpose and they don't turn us on (pony/dog/etc. play being an example).

in terms of more disciplinary stuff, i don't know. i think it's less about hard limits most of the time than about what is working for both of us at the moment. i think our safewords are limited to the red/yellow/green light system, or just me (or w) clearly saying "time out" or "stop" or anything that clearly indicates that we need a break from the situation.

when w is well enough to spend time online (and when she is caught up on facebook, which she tends to do first when she can get to a computer...), i'll be interested to see her take on this.
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Re: hard limits

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Tue Nov 10, 2009 2:19 pm

Well, my hard limits were once "I would never spank a person!"

So I think that my idea of the word NEVER has changed a bit.

A lot of us tops here don't go as far as our bottoms would like us to go. I've pushed myself on this one, and I've come a long way.


Surely, there are things that "don't turn me on". What I get out of ttwd is the knowledge that I am taking care of JA in a way that is effective, personal and something ONLY I can do, as her wife, HoH, Top, Disciplinarian and all around BOSS.

I never thought I would... each of the things I have learned I can do and should. I never thought I would use an implement on her butt. I nevere thought I would spank J in public. I never thought I would have the confidence to say DO IT and mean it. I never thought I wuold give her a spanking so hard it would break the skin without fainting.

I have done all these things. Because when I do them right they are effective, I do not need to move on past those into new nevers.

I guess that really didn't answer the question. I kind of forgot the question. Oh well. this is what you got.
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Re: hard limits

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:05 pm

ReluctantTop wrote:I guess that really didn't answer the question. I kind of forgot the question. Oh well. this is what you got.


This is why I love you RT.

Well, that and I've loved getting to see a bit of how you've explored some of those nevers over the past couple of years!
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Re: hard limits

Postby Eayore » Fri Nov 13, 2009 5:14 pm

ReluctantTop wrote:I guess that really didn't answer the question. I kind of forgot the question. Oh well. this is what you got.

I found this inspiring, RT - great to read about these things, so thank you.

It wasn't actually a question in the first place, was it? - more an invitation to share. You did that brilliantly, in my eyes.
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Re: hard limits

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:06 am

LOL!!

Thanks, guys.

I really love what we've created here. If I hit the lottery we are ALL going on a trip. I'd say England but that wouldn't be so exciting for most of you. Maybe a spanko cruise.
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Re: hard limits

Postby BickaBecka » Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:58 am

ReluctantTop wrote:Maybe a spanko cruise.


Now THAT's an interesting idea!
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