How do you get through the hard times?

Perhaps your household works without a structure. Go you. The rest of us mortals need to figure out how this thing works. This is a spot for talking about how we create the structure of our various domestic arrangements.

How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Papagenu » Sun Jan 03, 2010 12:16 pm

So to make a long story short how do you keep yourself consistent through times where you, for some reason, have had a hard time keeping your D/s relationship consistent, or have lost control all together?
Background: I've had a good deal of hard times with my girlfriend for various reasons. We've fallen out of the dynamic that made us both really happy at the beginning of the relationship. She doesn't feel submissive, and is very upset about that. I want to bring back the dynamic, but I've had trouble doing that in a way that lasts more than a day.

A large part of the problem is not living together (30 min drive away, 5 minutes from my job though). It seems that every time things are going well, when she's away from me for more than a day, something will happen in that time to get her upset and feeling neglected again. And a lot of these times are when I can't just up and drive over there. Another part is that I need a degree of discipline that I just can't seem to muster while feeling shitty about everything I've done to cause our relationship to get like this.

A lot of this is my fault, I'll even say the majority of it is my fault. I'm just looking for some outside ideas as to how to get the problem under control and get my girl back to feeling the way that made us both happy. I know that we're both happier that way, it's just that getting out of the rut is fucking hard.
Thanks.
User avatar
Papagenu
Rank 1
Rank 1
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2009 2:45 am
spam_b: I am not a spammer.
AAARGH 100 CHARACTER LIMIT! I CAN'T FIT MY RAMBLING!
How did you find the board?: This post
http://tinyurl.com/ycnfvdd

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Homeatlast » Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:34 pm

Hi there

we haven't met before so I just wanted to say 'hey' and nice to see you posting.

Sorry I don't feel like I know enough about you or your girl to say anything of much use to you here. I do have sympathy though. Although my partner and I live together we have been going though a difficult patch because of various family health issues which has made consistency and follow through a huge issue.

The one thing that we keep doing is talking. I figure as long as we keep doing that honestly we will eventually get there.

Sounds a little like you may need to re-establish your authority in someway. There are lots of posts around the board on that issue! Does your girl post here? If not maybe she could come for support too and it may help you both.

Good luck
User avatar
Homeatlast
rank 6
rank 6
 
Posts: 695
Joined: Fri Aug 07, 2009 11:22 am
Location: North west England
spam_b: Spam spam chopped pork n ham. Not for me!
How did you find the board?: Whilst browsing other sites

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Papagenu » Sun Jan 03, 2010 5:39 pm

Hi, I posted here once or twice. Nice to internet meet you.

I know it's hard to give any information based on a short post like that, I was kind of stressed out, and just looking for ideas on re-establishing authority.

She checked this site out once, she may come back eventually.
User avatar
Papagenu
Rank 1
Rank 1
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2009 2:45 am
spam_b: I am not a spammer.
AAARGH 100 CHARACTER LIMIT! I CAN'T FIT MY RAMBLING!
How did you find the board?: This post
http://tinyurl.com/ycnfvdd

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Eayore » Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:58 pm

I hope this will give you some comfort... we have been doing this for over 20 years and during that time we have been through many very shitty times when we felt it wasn't working, and wanted to give up - and at times we even agreed to stop altogether. Sometimes just giving it a break seemed the right thing to do. Then after a while, we would start again and everything was as good as before, if not better.

I guess relationships in general have their ups and downs, and maybe with domestic discipline it feels even more like a roller-coaster!

What I have noticed from my own experience (as the submissive) is that I start taking things for granted, and I get fixed expectations about how things should be done and what the result should be. This squeezes all the life and spontaneity out of it, leading to lower and lower satisfaction with the whole thing, for both of us. It seems that having a break can 're-set' my expectations, and make me feel grateful again for whatever I get.
User avatar
Eayore
rank 6
rank 6
 
Posts: 1721
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:43 pm
Location: Ascot, UK
spam_b: What is a spam bot?
How did you find the board?: From the Punishment Book

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:39 pm

you've got a lot of sympathy from me on this one.

as a bottom, i know there are a lot of times when we'll drift out of what works best for us. it's a give and take, and like eayore said, there will often be times when we stop--either because it doesn't seem to be working because i'm not following the rules, or because it doesn't seem necessary (because i *am* following the rules).

for me, the thing that works best is to get to a point where we can feel like we've got a clean slate. sometimes, that means taking a break and starting over (although we've never gone for more than a few weeks without ttwd since we started it). sometimes, it means that w will be extra-conscious of establishing her authority, and make sure that i'm aware of it constantly.

i suppose the important thing is to keep working on communication and trust, and to believe that if you keep working at it, you two will figure out something that works well for both of you. feel free to browse the board, because there are a lot of us here who have struggled with the same things you describe.
User avatar
JigsawAnalogy
rank 6
rank 6
 
Posts: 2875
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2007 9:44 am
Location: New York
spam_b: I am not a spammer, I *delete* spammers!
How did you find the board?: Hm. Well, I was poking around in my imagination, and there it was.

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Red Rump » Tue Jan 12, 2010 11:36 pm

I also get frustrated with my lifestyle and I have ups and downs. I often think that things are not going well and then I think why am I like this. The only thing I keep coming back to is understanding and acceptance.

For things to work for me I must understand my mistress, a difficult thing to achieve, because her mindset may change from minute to minute, but then being her sub in a formal 24/7 lifestyle I have to accept whatever she says or demands.

As I do not live with my Mistress, although she is family, there are times when there are enforced breaks or holidays. The weather in GB at the moment has meant that travelling, even short distances, is not recommended, and I have not seen my Mistress for well over five weeks. This has caused frustration but I have adopted a position of acceptance and I am happy in the knowledge that my Mistress cares for me and that my training and position will be reviewed once we meet up again.

In normal circumstance I would normally see my Mistress four or five times a week. I do respect her and I am totally loyal.

I have found that being passive helps me to fully accept my lifestyle. I do not question the authority my Mistress has nor do I argue upon points that she wishes to adopt. In some respects this makes life harder for her as she has to work hard upon my mindset by trying to get into my thoughts. It is a little bit like a game, a very pleasnt one I may say.

This is an interesting thread I hope more members will come forward with their views.
Do as you are told or be punished
User avatar
Red Rump
Rank 2
Rank 2
 
Posts: 52
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:29 am
Location: NW England
spam_b: Got to be caned to be pained.
How did you find the board?: search engine and hard work

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Eayore » Wed Jan 13, 2010 6:39 pm

Hello, Red Rump. It's nice to hear from you after some time!
User avatar
Eayore
rank 6
rank 6
 
Posts: 1721
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:43 pm
Location: Ascot, UK
spam_b: What is a spam bot?
How did you find the board?: From the Punishment Book

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby Red Rump » Thu Jan 14, 2010 1:13 am

Thank you, Eayore.

I have not posted anything for a while but I have been reading the posts of other members.

I am still living my new sub lifestyle 24/7 and I am happy now that at any other time in my life. I'm Living the Dream.

I have noticed that both tops and botoms have a number of common issues. Two things have come to my mind and something that I have struggled with and they are respect for my Mistress and acceptance of a new life. I work hard on these but finding the common level is not easy as both of us have changing thoughts daily. A very serious challenge.

I intend to persevere now that I have achieved a lifetimes dream and as I am new to all of this I have adopted a passive attitude for the moment which seems to work for me.

I will keep reading what other members post as I have found, in general terms, their comments to be useful.
Do as you are told or be punished
User avatar
Red Rump
Rank 2
Rank 2
 
Posts: 52
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:29 am
Location: NW England
spam_b: Got to be caned to be pained.
How did you find the board?: search engine and hard work

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby UKsub » Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:14 pm

Papagenu, your not alone..
We are just coming out of one of the hard times you describe, we suspended the dd side of our relationship for some time. My wife and I have been doing dd around 4 years now and this was the longest ebb we have had, hence my lack of posts recently.
My wife is / was vanilla, I asked / suggested looking at a dd lifestyle, and with lots of 2 way communication, it did work quite well until late September last year. She felt it was all getting a bit overpowering for her, she doesn't want the responsibility of having to remember rules that I was supposed to follow or to have to remember to meat out punishments she had put off because it was not convenient to punish me there and then. She felt very stressed and under pressure, I felt very stressed and depressed and was desperately trying to not pressurize or stress her, a pretty crappy time.
Eayore, as ever, your post was really helpful...
User avatar
UKsub
Rank 2
Rank 2
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Fri Jun 12, 2009 8:28 am
Location: Baltimore
spam_b: I don't like spam either, it's a right pain in the arse,
and not in a nice way..
How did you find the board?: I can't remember that! What a silly question!

Re: How do you get through the hard times?

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sun May 09, 2010 3:06 pm

ukSub- it's good to hear from you!

we are also coming out of a ttwd hiatus- I'm ready to start up again, and am going through the board, catching up, getting inspired...

Hope to see more of you now.
W-Jigsaw's Boss

"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
:cheesy:
User avatar
W-Jigsaw'sBoss
Cheesy Goodness
Cheesy Goodness
 
Posts: 994
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2007 11:22 am
Location: New Yawk!
spam_b: Still haven't tried spam musubi.
How did you find the board?: I married a(n equally) smart lady who made it.


Return to Creating Structure

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron