I have carried out extensive research into spanking implements in such notable tomes as the Beano and Dandy and discovered the tawse was originally a piece of protective clothing worn by transvestite tartan frock wearing Highland warriors.who found that when they sat on the ground around their campfires they were quite often stung on the bum by thistles. To prevent this they designed a strap made from the skin of a Haggis.(a creature indigenous to Scotland, ) They fastened it to the back of their kilt then passed it under their bum, and fastened the other end to their sporrans . As everyone knows nothing is worn under a scotsmans kilt ( everything is in perfect working order)so to allow their tackle to swing free the strap was split down the middle and passed either side of their meat and two veg. They called this device a jock strap.
After the battle of Seeyoujimmy during the Jacobean rebellion the victorious duke of York was surveying the battlefield after the massacre when he noticed these straps on the dead warriors. He was heard to remarked to his generals " EEe by gum as like. what's thon strap, a say what's thon strap on t'arse of thon dead sweatty."
His army which consisted mainly of geordie mercenaries collected these straps as proof of their kill, much the same way cowboys collected scalps from the red indians. they called them t'arses after hearing the dukes comment. (the collecting of red indian scalps was started by the scottish indian hunter Hawkeye the noo. )
The Haggis was almost hunted to extenction by the invading troops as they foraged for food and The jewish/ scottish poet Rabbi Burns was so moved by the plight of the creatures that he wrote a poem describing them as " Wee timorous beasties." ( linguists mistakingly believe the poem is about a mouse but I know better.)They became a protected species. and a breeding colony was set up on the shores of Loch Gelly The population increased rapidly. ( not only is the haggis the size of a rabbit but it has the breeding qualities of one as well. ) Soon the Haggi population was so large that yearly culls had to be introduced. The minister for these annual shoots was also the minister of the Scottish board of education. He found that by curing the skins in 50yr old malt whiskey they hardened and became effective implements of punishment and so the t'arse became the traditional implement in all Scottish schools. The name was changed slightly from tarse to tawse around the turn of the century. Historians believe this was to distance the origins fron the defeat at the hands of the sassenachs. Every year on Burns night which is traditionally the start of the haggis hunting season the surviving clan members of the massacre gather together and a Haggis is ceremoniously slaughterd then brought into the dining hall with great pomp and ceremony accompanied by a lone bagpiper playing Scotland the brave. The haggi is then toasted with a dram of whisky. and rabbi Burns's ode is read out.
With Broon Ale bottles in their hand
the Geordies invaded bonnie Scotland.
Dressed in whippet skin trousers and cloth caps
they began to fight our scottish chaps.
Butting the jocks with their head
until the highlanders were all dead.
As their bodies lay scattered in the glen
Yorkie asked what's that on t'arse o those men.
They collected those straps of haggis skin.
To show each bloody battle win.
Then they hunted for food and stuff to drink
till the wee timorous beastie was all but extinct.
To stop them all going to a stew pot grave
this indigenous species they decided to save.
On the shores of Loch gelly they bred in their masses
now the skins are used for beating the bums of wee lads and lasses.
For the main session I like to use the tradition English cane. However research in "The Bumper book of spanking facts " has revealed the cane was not an English invention after all but was introduced into the country by the scandinavians. I found this ode which was written by a certain Layde Hawke. (a distant relative of mine )
Odins legions came upon
the rugged coast at Lindisfarne
From rocky cliffs to sandy coves
The viqueens came ashore in droves
They plundered and pillaged and ran amock
in horn'ed helmet and gingham frock.
They searched the abbey and the grounds
till every holy man was found.
The captured monks all held their breath
and offered prayer to impending death
till a voice rang out both strong and true
Fear not, I have another fate in store for you.
We're not here to settle an old score
We're like the Jehovas at your door
here to give a religious talk
History rewritten by LaydeHawke.
It is the custom of this land
to spank a person with your hand
our task it seems is quite plain
to introduce the clergy to the cane.
To re-enforce Odenias mission
would you please adopt our missionary position
stand up, bend over and touch your toes
but first remove your underclothes.
The viqueens stepped forward and with one accord
drew from their scabbard a gleaming sword
protruding from the shining blade
the tip of a rattan was displayed
Then drawing from this metal case
which reflected terror in each monks face
A wooden cane both long and thick
a subtle twist to the old sword stick.
When every trembling monk was bare
the sound of swishing filled the air
As viqueens striped each trembling cheek
until their spanking arm grew weak
And when the canings were all done
they tried a switch and had some fun
a crate of lager for a bottle of Mead
seems like a very good deal indeed.
The following ode was added at a later date by the American poet Caedfel.
Remember the tale of Layde Hawke,
when the Viqueens ran amok,
'Twas not a truly mortal fear
Of spanks upon a monkish rear
That caused the holy men to shout
But happiness when turn about
Backsides warmed, they next would see
Bare Viqueen bottoms o'er their knee.
Monks and Viqueens thought it grand,
Both warm and warming bums by hand,
While laid across a partner's lap
Awaiting their first loving slap.
First there was the getting ready,
An arm about them, holding steady
Churchman's robe or a Viqueen's gown,
Skirts were raised and smallclothes down.
Then most times came a loving pat
Before delicious, stinging 'Splat!'
The spankers all would take their time
While building ecstasy sublime.
Most would have liked a little more
When spankers' hands became quite sore,
Now time for a position change,
The other partner finds his/her range.
Both have the chances thus to share
Spanked and spanking, bottoms bare.
Monk and Viqueen assume their place
With cleric's macho, or lady's grace.
It was the most holy, Celtic monk
Brother Brendan, did then debunk
The doctrine to from sex abstain,
Restoring smiles to priests again.
When he had proved the holy word
'Celibate' to be quite absurd.
Mis-pronounced until too late,
Of course it should be 'Celebrate!'
Celibate was a spelling mistake
a very easy one to make
sex is back, let's celebrate
spank the monk then fornicate.