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This thing we do • View topic - Houseguests who also spank

Houseguests who also spank

Or housemates, or children, or any of those other people who share our space, but who are not involved in our disciplinary arrangements.

Houseguests who also spank

Postby Topper » Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:15 pm

I'm not quite certain where to put this. GF has some friends (an old ex and her partner) coming to stay with us for a few days and GF does not want to suspend DD for their visit because they also spank . (I am finding out things about GF's past that I did not know). I am not quite comfortable with either part of this -spanking GF while they are here or hearing someone else get spanked here. We are trying to work this out. Has anyone here had this kind of situation? This may be too odd for me.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby Naughty butt Nice » Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:52 pm

I've not ever had this situation, but it sounds like you 2 need to sit down and discuss how both of you feel before the houseguests arrive. Let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and that is just one place that you would just rather not go. You don't have to stop TTWD, you can just let her know quietly what she will get when the guests leave if she doesn't straighten up.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby Eayore » Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:39 pm

I have never had this experience either, but I can understand only too well why you might be wary of it, Topper. There are so many ways that one or more of you could feel uncomfortable about it.

Equally, I think I can understand why GF would quite like the idea.

I agree with NBN that it would help to talk about it beforehand. What I would shoot for, if I were you, is to give yourself the freedom to spank or not, as you see fit. Feeling an obligation to spank would not be helpful (or at least, that's my perception).
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby DaddysLucy » Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:10 pm

Topper, I think you and GF could explore other methods of punishment/ warning communications while you have houseguests. If she misbehaves, corner time in the bedroom when everyone retires for the evening is silent. Doing lines are silent. Stern lectures, given quietly, won't be heard. And assurances that you are making note of her misbehaviors and they will be dealt with as soon as you two have privacy.

Also, I think we have a "quiet implements" thread in the "Implements" section. That might be something to peruse, and maybe you two could experiment with some of the suggestions before your guests get there. Off the top of my head, the Liquid Cane that I have recently written about is pretty quiet (except my yelps), and a plastic hanger makes very little noise.

Daddy and I will be visiting friends who do D/s later this summer, so I will be in a similar boat, and there has been a lot of talk about what I can expect, how much of the DD-D/s will be overt/covert while we are there, etc. Whatever you two decide, I think that lots of communication about it beforehand is key.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby Topper » Wed Jun 18, 2008 9:39 pm

First GF really wants them to know she is spanked in a sort of DD relationship. I really don't want to be known as the spanker. I am not concerned about GF's behavior while they are here, we have all known each other for a very long time- I don't want to spank her for real anyway except that she wants it- so I am not worried about her getting away with stuff or pausing this.
GF's other argument is that because they also spank, it won't be a big deal to them if she gets spanked and they will feel better about their spanking arrangement . My argument is that I will be embarrassed both if I spank her AND if I hear them spanking. I am not certain how to spank my lover and then immediately go back to being charming hostess (particularly since I found out GF and ex spanked each other as punishment- lesbian ex relationship circles can be odd enough without this added to it). And what about them? If the spankee comes down all red eyed (I am really hoping no one expects other red parts to be on display - I am a fairly traditional person that way) - do I just offer gin and some Kleenex or aloe gel? I prefer repression. The dog will get a lot of walks.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:11 pm

i can see how that would feel IMMENSELY awkward and uncomfortable.

on the one hand, w and i have friends who don't do DD, but who know (to varying degrees) the kinds of things that go on in our relationship. partly, it's because sometimes it's a matter of me needing to be sent to bed, or not being allowed to go out, due to a non-spanking punishment. and partly, in our case, it's about drawing a line between abuse (which in my experience was more hidden) and being open about what's going on.

sometimes, i wonder if the impulse to share with people we know is simply so we can remind ourselves: "this isn't something i'm ashamed of. this isn't something i need to hide. this is just part of who i am and what i do in my relationship."

for me, there's a part that's about... i guess, "if it's ok to share this, then it's not abusive; if i can talk about it with other people, that means that it's not something to be ashamed of, or where we're doing something that isn't ok."

at the same time, there is the level where spanking crosses over into sex, which means that doing DD related things in front of others is more... exhibitionist than i usually want to be.

hard to say where the lines should be drawn, but i *definitely* agree with the others that this would be a helpful thing to process before the guests get there (and maybe also when they get there, so you can be clear about your own boundaries).

and that staying-friends-with-exes thing does add some complications, doesn't it?
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:03 pm

Sometimes I say, in a light-hearted way, "I'm a real big fan of boundaries!"

If you don't want to be present while your lover's ex spanks her present partner, that's perfectly alright.

It would be easier if you were able to say it, either in a jokey way, "Hey... That's a little more information than I'm up for..." or whatever, but if you can't, well, GF1 can hold down the fort and you can take the dog on extra walks. It's good that you have a scapedog!


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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby GF1 » Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:25 pm

It is not like I was planning on group spanking and orgies or anything and it is only for a few days. I just thought it might make it more normal to be around another couple who also did this. T and I have been talking about this and I am coming to the conclusion it is probably not going to work. T already thinks my ex is a giant control freak and this would give ex license to be more dominant with her partner than they usually are around T, which would not be comfortable for T. It is not even that there will not be time alone to be spanked if I need it. Ex has other friends here and they will be out doing things without us. Plus T takes the dog for a lot of walks as it is, so if they want to spank, they always do it when she is gone. I thought it would be nice to have some people we knew to share it with. Even after 17 years, there are some things that are not smooth where exes come into the picture. It is kind of funny, ex and I were two giant control freaks together. Not a smooth lover combination, but we make great friends. T and I make a great lover combination. You can quit fretting now sugar,.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby Sara'sGirl(SG) » Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:11 pm

:yeahthat: JA said pretty much exactly what I was thinking. For me, being around ppl who are likeminded, in RL, helps me to feel more normal about TTWD. It's just so...freeing to me, to not have to feel like it's something we hide, because I have tons of issues about whether or not TTWD is "bad", so things that reinforce that (like being around others) help me a great deal.

On the other hand, I tend to be of the mind that neither of you should be "expected" to do something you aren't okay or comfortable with. I think it's perfectly okay for you to not be okay with this right now, or possibly, ever. Processing together seems like a great idea in this case, and it sounds like you guys are doing that.

As a new(ish) lesbian, it's cool for me to hear about other ppl...not just being all happy with ex's being friends. My mom tries to say it should be the same for "us" as it is for heterosexual couples--she can't imagine being okay with my dad being friends with an ex of his--she pretty much doesn't really think you can be friends with someone of the sex you are attracted to. But...in lesbian relationships...I think there's more of that ex's-who-are-friends thing going on, and it's good for me to ponder sometimes.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby DaddysLucy » Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:42 pm

I think that if somehow (after a few drinks, or whatever) a discussion of DD comes up, it might be interesting to talk about it with some other people in real life (IRL, I guess? I don't speak "internet" very well). But, like RT said, if the discussion goes somewhere you don't want it to, then I think it's fine to say so. Just lightheartedly say, "Whoa, I don't want to go there!" and laugh it off.

Topper, as for you being uncomfortable with your guests' spanking-- other than communicating with them beforehand, I'm not sure what to tell you about that. There is a point where TTWD crosses over into sex (TTWD is, to a certain extent, a play-out of fantasy for me, even though, to me, it's very very real, if that makes sense), so I can see how you would be uncomfortable with the guest bottom coming downstairs with red eyes or something. That could, as Dan Savage has said before (anyone else read his column "Savage Love"?), could feel like you are an unwilling participant in their "sex game*," whatever it is to them. I would think, though, that if they didn't know you guys did TTWD, or you'd never talked about it, that they would be discreet-- take care of spankings and punishment at night at bedtime, and only discuss it with you after it had been established that that discussion was okay. That's what I would do, and what I plan on doing when Daddy and I travel.

If it's any consolation, I'm pretty nervous about how "out" Daddy and I will be when we travel this summer, and having never talked about TTWD in real life with anyone else but Daddy, I am pretty nervous about those conversations and meeting these people who know about TTWD together, but who haven't met me personally.

*I know that to me, and to most (all?) of us, TTWD is not a sex game. But for many of us, there is a sexual element to TTWD, so I am just saying that I can see how one would be uncomfortable watching others do TTWD-- what we do is very intimate and close and personal, and hard to share with others until those boundaries are set and everyone is comfortable.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby Topper » Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:10 pm

I do not fret, I ponder. I think we have decided not to be so open this time. Ex and her partner apparently have spanked away in the past while I was out of the house and that is fine, I guess. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. GF has promised she won't be spanked by ex (I know they won't have sex - we hashed that out a long, long time ago, but I am a little put out at the idea of Gf being spanked by ex). Although GF and I engage in erotic spanking too, sex was not my real concern - I am a lot more comfortable with sex (ex and her girlfriend could have sex on the living room couch and it would not be as uncomfortable to me as them spanking there for some reason - I mean I wouldn't really like it, but the discipline spanking thing is still weirder for me), and even the lesbian can't get rid of exes thing than I am with spanking for discipline. Coming out as a lesbian was not a big deal to me , but coming out as a DD spanker is just not there for me yet. Plus, Gf and her ex become competitive about everything (they derive great pleasure from it and usually I stay way out of it) but I don't want to have our DD in competition with them.

ps. there was an interesting discussion in Slate this week on gay marriage and they made reference to the lesbian ex-lovers as family/baggage brought to subsequent relationships that was funny.
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Re: Houseguests who also spank

Postby Naughty butt Nice » Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:15 am

It is great to see that the 2 of you have talked this out and have come to an agreement that you both can live with. This may be something that you come back to and discuss at a later date when both of you are more comfortable with TTWD, but at least for now you both can come to an agreement that you both can live with.

I am not ashamed of TTWD and I don't feel that there is anything wrong with it, however I do feel that this is something personal and intimate that my hubby and I share and I, personally, don't want anybody overhearing me get punished. To me that would just be adding embarassment to the punishment. When my hubby and I started TTWD we both signed contracts and one of the things in that contract is that there would never be punishments happen where others could see or hear what is happening. He could take me out of ear and eye shot and give me a couple of warning swats to let me know what is going to happen when we get home or to a more "secure location", but that is it.

However, it would be nice to have other people, that I know personally, that I could talk to about this. Nobody in my circle of family or friends would understand. They would think that I'm in an abusive relationship and try to talk me into leaving my hubby. That does get frustrating at times, but then again that is why I joined this forum so that I would have people to talk to about TTWD.
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