I was looking at my last post and realized that things did not come out the way they should have. I'll blame it on my Mars in Aries...posting before thinking things through, and posting from my smartphone before work.
Here is the thing...I have made the mistake several times in the past (years past) of thinking that if Obsidian would just talk to other Tops, things would magically be better. What she got from that was that I thought she was inadequate, which made her even more insecure, which made me top from the bottom more, etc., etc. The "drop of blood in the shark tank" metaphor is *very* fitting, TRH, and I know *exactly* what you are talking about. It also made her much *less* likely to talk to other Tops. Unfortunately, I really don't think that a Top can fake it, we know if they are not feeling it...and it has to come from within, and the thing that we need from them most is confidence, *real* confidence...not feigned or faked.
That wasn't the original purpose of my starting this thread, though. It would also be nice to say, "If she would only....so and so"....I would be able to submit. But, in reality, I often sabotage things too. Yes, of course, if there is a safety issue, I need to articulate that, but many of the things I would complain and critique about really don't rise to that level.
I will give two concrete examples:
1. The catalyst for the mammoth fight I talked about in a the SuperNanny thread. Obsidian was going to cook one thing for dinner, which I was not crazy about. Before she cooked it, she asked me if I wanted something different, and I said yes. At the time she made dinner, she forgot asking me if I wanted something different, and made the original dinner....and I threw a temper tantrum. Ok, sure there were other things going on...triggers and flashbacks and tensions and the like...but, *really*...I want her to be in charge...she was being in charge. I do have a childhood issue about being asked what I want, and then being ignored, sure. But again, *really*...was it really necessary to throw a fit about it? It wasn't even as if I hated dinner...she's a very good cook, even with the meal that I was not crazy about.
2. Obsidian discovered soap through this board. (she doesn't talk much, even in real life, but she reads and takes in things all of the time. My guess is every now and then she will chime in with a sentence or two, or tell me something to say. If you haven't noticed, I am the talker in our family...
) Anyways, I digress....immediately, I found myself trying to take control of it. Asking a gazillion questions about what she was going to do, and how she was going implement things. I kept telling myself STOP...and I controlled the impulse to a certain extent. She also took control of the situation...so I didn't have a lot of room to maneuver. My thoughts were still racing though, and I had to really stop myself from trying to direct everything about it.
The reality it, things will *never* work if I do not relinquish control. Sure, Obsidian also needs to take control...and even over my fighting it...but if I fight it too hard, it will be exhausting for both of us. Even if she Tops me *exactly* as I think that she should, and does *everything* I ask for perfectly, it still won't work, because I will still be in control of it. It is often when things are starting to work and she is taking control that I am likely to do my best to start seizing control again...by excessive requests and non-safety related complaints. I have actually felt it....it is like a moment of panic. It can be really frightening for me to know that I am losing control, even though that is the thing that I most want to do.
One of the things that I have done, if I can catch it, is to tell Obsidian that this is happening. Then she will say something to let me know that she is still in control, and won't let me seize control...of course, being warned that this is happening helps her to know what to do. Sometimes, Obsidian can catch it on her own, and that is excellent and helps me a lot. Sometimes, neither of us catches it...and um, hence the mammoth fight.
Does this happen to anyone else?