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This thing we do • View topic - Letting Go of Control

Letting Go of Control

In a perfect world, discipline would cure all ills. But in the real world, not so much. How do we deal with those diagnoses that spanking just can't make go away. (You know, depression, ADD, DID/MPD. The thing a therapist would put on your medical record to convince the insurance company that they have to pay up, if you had a therapist and health insurance.)

Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Julia » Tue Mar 08, 2011 5:50 am

Hey Amethyst.

I find myself asking, "How can something so simple be so flaming hard?" I know in concept that you are right about top responsibilities and bottom ones. In CONCEPT. But in practice.......Arrrrrgh!

I'm a control freak and that's all there is to it. I have issues. They're MY issues. And I'm going to have them!

I'm also determined to learn to be better at this. Thanks so much for your input everyone.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:08 am

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Tue Mar 08, 2011 1:40 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue Mar 08, 2011 1:56 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby TryingReallyHard » Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:32 pm

~TRH
"The pressure makes us stronger; the struggle makes us hunger.
The hard lessons make the difference, and the difference makes it worth it." -Fireflight
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Eayore » Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:00 am

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:28 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby brightlyblaze » Sat Mar 12, 2011 12:37 am

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Eayore » Sat Mar 12, 2011 10:54 am

This sounds like a great idea, to get P to write down the rules. I'll see if I can get her to try it. I also do find it is good when I have a schedule for the day. It somehow makes me feel more energetic and on top of things.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Mar 12, 2011 6:34 pm

We have, in the past, had varying levels of structured, regimented scheduling, and part of why it didn't work was that J was the one to create it.

I've tried setting systems up and they haven't taken off, but I am not sure why. It's possible that J resisted to see how I would respond, and I backed off.


"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:57 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:20 pm

Oh...it is possible in the resistance situations that I may *think* that I am resisting because O is doing something wrong, and I need her to hear me out if I am saying that, without getting mad or guilty...if she is able to do that.

On the other hand, my perception may or may not be accurate. One of the ways that I deal with fear is by grabbing back onto control *hard*...and criticizing O is a way to grab control back. Unfortunately, when I am doing that...I really have no idea that is what is going on...but, can sometimes recognize it later...especially, when sitting on a :rubbutt: or in the :corner: or with :soap: in my mouth...usually, after a big fight :blush: Unfortunately, if it comes to that, trust has often been lost because of the fight, and will need to be reestablished.

I am not sure what would help...except for O to not take what I say personally...if she can avoid it...and stay firm. I think that the more confident she gets, the more she will be able to know the difference between a legitimate concern, and seizing control out of fear.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby W-Jigsaw'sBoss » Sat Apr 02, 2011 11:33 pm



"I am loving, firm and flexible. Kind of like Lexan."
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Mon May 16, 2011 5:16 pm

:sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

This is SUCH an ongoing struggle....and I just came face to face with another way my control issues manifest. Well, I have come face to face with a LOT this weekend...but I am going to have to take it in small pieces.

Anyways....I don't handle change well...AT ALL! When Obsidian changes things on me...I tend to freak out...big time. Can be almost anything. Discipline, what we are doing for dinner...it doesn't matter. If she tries to change things back...that is even *worse*, because now that is two changes...the change to something else, and then the change back.

In looking at this, I am realizing that I have the need to be mentally prepared for whatever it is I am facing....and when something gets changed, I have to adjust my mental plans. If Obsidian then changes it back, because she sees I am upset, it usually happens as I have been making mental plans for the new reality...and then I have to try to change them back again...and if I did not meltdown the first time, I often meltdown at the second change. Obsidian and I *have* talked about it, and she kind of understands. Actually, she has trouble when plans are changed on her as well.

It dawned on me that my need to make mental plans is another way of me holding on to control. Don't know quite what to do with this, yet. Letting go is really, really difficult.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Mon May 16, 2011 7:14 pm

It dawned on me, that my change issue is not something that will go away without a heck of a lot of disciplinary sessions and/or therapy....so I have to find a way to deal with this.

A thought that I had was to respectfully say, "Sir, may I please have a few minutes to adjust to the change." Honestly, that is really *all* I need...but, I tend to react, and then Obsidian reacts to me before I can adjust....and well, I am finding out where that goes.

I asked Obsidian about it, and she said she thinks that this would be fine, so long as I kept it respectful...so we will see. It's worth a try.
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