Thank you for the thought, LG.
I don't know that I actually *need* that level of support around it. It is more that if Obsidian says that we will be leaving the playground, so to speak, in 10 minutes, it would be the most helpful if that is when we *actually* left, not leaving after 5 minutes or staying for 15 minutes. It could be as simple as her saying that we are going to McDonald's and changing her mind and going to Burger King, and if I start to seem upset, changing back to McDonald's. I can and do have freakouts over that.
Now...if we were not married and did not live together, I would probably make a hard limit around discipline that if she *says* something is going to happen....I absolutely *need* it to happen the way she says. But, the issue is not just around discipline, and it is much, much harder to have that type of limit, expectation on a 24/7 type of basis...because, well no one is perfect, and that is a LOT of pressure to put on someone else.
The pattern is: Obsidian will make a decision, and then changes her mind. It happens. She *might* let me know, or forget to tell me, or (as we are both getting older, and these things happen) *think* she told me because she though about it in her head, and never actually did. I then react by getting upset. Obsidian thinks that I am questioning her decision or don't like her decision...and then well reacts by either getting mad, or losing confidence, and changing the decision back...further upsetting me....then, well....particularly if either of us are stressed or having a bad day...spirals into a fight.
That is why I am thinking that if I can remember to *ask* for a moment to adjust, it will give me the moment I need, and cue Obsidian into what I am doing, so she doesn't take it as something it wasn't meant to be, if this makes sense.