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This thing we do • View topic - Letting Go of Control

Letting Go of Control

In a perfect world, discipline would cure all ills. But in the real world, not so much. How do we deal with those diagnoses that spanking just can't make go away. (You know, depression, ADD, DID/MPD. The thing a therapist would put on your medical record to convince the insurance company that they have to pay up, if you had a therapist and health insurance.)

Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Mon May 16, 2011 8:14 pm

I sympathize with having trouble with change.

Would some kind of desensitization help at all? Something where you knew ahead of time that things were going to change, and you got to practice just rolling with it?

I guess it mostly depends on where the difficulty with change is coming from (beyond "control issues").
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Mon May 16, 2011 8:31 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Lady Governess » Tue May 17, 2011 2:27 am

I don't know if this would be a helpful suggestion or not....or whether Obsidian feels she can implement it or not....BUT

Jo Frost (Supernanny) is one of my heroines. If you have watched her programmes with kids who have freakouts when they have to leave the playground or park or some other place they have been is to give them a sort of countdown. Like, "We have 10 minutes left" then later...."We're leaving in five minutes"....then "Two more minutes and we have to go".

It seems to work for the kids. Could it maybe help you guys out in these change situations? Would Obsidian be willing and/or able to try that?

Just a thought.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Tue May 17, 2011 9:09 am

Thank you for the thought, LG.

I don't know that I actually *need* that level of support around it. It is more that if Obsidian says that we will be leaving the playground, so to speak, in 10 minutes, it would be the most helpful if that is when we *actually* left, not leaving after 5 minutes or staying for 15 minutes. It could be as simple as her saying that we are going to McDonald's and changing her mind and going to Burger King, and if I start to seem upset, changing back to McDonald's. I can and do have freakouts over that.

Now...if we were not married and did not live together, I would probably make a hard limit around discipline that if she *says* something is going to happen....I absolutely *need* it to happen the way she says. But, the issue is not just around discipline, and it is much, much harder to have that type of limit, expectation on a 24/7 type of basis...because, well no one is perfect, and that is a LOT of pressure to put on someone else.

The pattern is: Obsidian will make a decision, and then changes her mind. It happens. She *might* let me know, or forget to tell me, or (as we are both getting older, and these things happen) *think* she told me because she though about it in her head, and never actually did. I then react by getting upset. Obsidian thinks that I am questioning her decision or don't like her decision...and then well reacts by either getting mad, or losing confidence, and changing the decision back...further upsetting me....then, well....particularly if either of us are stressed or having a bad day...spirals into a fight.

That is why I am thinking that if I can remember to *ask* for a moment to adjust, it will give me the moment I need, and cue Obsidian into what I am doing, so she doesn't take it as something it wasn't meant to be, if this makes sense.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Tue May 17, 2011 2:09 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Lady Governess » Tue May 17, 2011 4:58 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Tue May 17, 2011 7:45 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue May 17, 2011 9:21 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Tue May 17, 2011 9:54 pm

Ah yes...triggers.

What I am describing *does* sound like triggers, doesn't it. That is a HUGE issue for both of us...and often my triggers will set off Obsidian's flashbacks, and her flashbacks will set off my triggers. What a mess.

If one of us is ok, we can usually get the other of us through the trigger/flashback. I pretty much know how to handle Obsidian's, and she pretty much knows how to handle mine IF the other does not get triggered as well. We both get triggered by some of the same things...such as unexpected change. The thing is that if Obsidian is making the change, it is not unexpected for *her*, but it is unexpected for *me*. Anyways, because Obsidian has some of the same reaction to unexpected change, she *does* understand it freaking me out a bit IF she KNOWS that is what is going on AND she is not triggered/flashing herself...if this makes sense.

TTWD is funny because both of us get triggered FAR less often when it is working and in place than we do without it. Particularly, as what I tend to need is firm, calm Topping to get me through mine, and what helps Obsidian the most is gentle, submissive patience to get her through hers. Yet, if we BOTH get triggered at once...it still gets pretty bad, because my trigger response is often loud and angry and hers is to withdraw and snipe...which is the exact opposite of what the other needs.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Tue May 17, 2011 11:20 pm

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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Eayore » Wed May 18, 2011 1:51 am

Someone once told me that only God can know what is right and wrong, not we mortals -- and that thinking we know which is which is the cause of huge misery for us humans. He also suggested this may have been the underlying message in the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" in the Garden of Eden story. I have always found this to be a great perspective to adopt, and really liberating in all kind of areas in my life.

To be honest, I don't actually believe in God - but I do find it helps to realise that it's not for me to judge what is right or wrong.
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Re: Letting Go of Control

Postby Meg » Wed May 18, 2011 9:46 am

Hi Eayore.

You know it's funny, if I was to have a calm, rational theological discussion in the light of day, what I described would be on no way, shape or form what I would say. I was looking at my thought process when I am freaking out or triggerred or whatever it is.

You *did* touch on something fundamental though, in that I am not able yet to let go enough to let Obsidian be the judge rather than me as to when and how badly I have messed up when it comes to ttwd and am still second guessing her. Learning trust can be *really* hard.
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