Sometimes I feel like I should leave him, but only because i am so ashamed of the anxiety. He gets upset when i talk like this.
This is the story of my past three months. I was on a medication that caused severe depression and anxiety and I already had a problem with both of those things. For years. My nights turned into crying and bawling and just begging for R to come to me and it was draining. It was so draining, for both me and her. We're long distance which makes it even harder and that anxiety is with me every single day. I got to the point one day where I was going to break up with her (and tried to, even tried to dissassociate myself from doing it) because bad thoughts were convincing me that I had to because of the small flaws in our relationship. That anxiety and depression took /everything/ from me. I lost weight and I didn't interact with people for weeks. About a month after that night I was feeling guilty because I had wanted to. Because after we got back together for a moment I felt so miserable because I was stuck again. Stuck with her.
I feel ashamed right now.
I don't feel stuck anymore. R and I talked and talked and talked and we're doing better now. So much better and I love her with everything that I can muster. With anxiety I just have to take it a day at a time and I know that and she knows that. My advice to you would be to really sit down with your lover and explain the thoughts that you have, whatever they may be, how bad, and don't be afraid to express emotion. If he is willing to help you, then you can work on this together. See a therapist, maybe get a therapy pet, try meditation, yoga, exercise. Find something that you love and focus on it. Sleep with a stuffed animal for extra comfort, drink tea to calm yourself down. There are a lot of methods and you're okay. Because R and I can't be there to hug you and take you to the movies, you have to be good to yourself for us, okay? Be good to yourself.
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”
Matthew, Cabin Fever