Well, looking back at all of this a couple of days later, after an adequate amount of sleep, yes, Jigsaw, reframing things is probably the answer. Reframing things in the light of day, in a calm, rational frame of mind does
in fact help, I think, in particular, with the long term confidence and trust in ttwd and in each other.
Looking back at the other day, actually, things did not go all that badly, and in fact, went MUCH, MUCH better than they could have gone particularly under the circumstances. It is not surprising that Obsidian had a bad flashback under the circumstances, given that at least three or four major triggering factors were going on all at once. Frankly, it would have been miraculous had she *not* had a flashback. Given the fact that many of my triggering factors were also going on, including feeling extreme guilt and being hungry and exhausted, the fact that I only went off briefly for a few minutes was pretty good as well. I worked on staying with my guilt, rather than letting it manifest into anger...and it helped for a LONG time. The fact that we were both able to calm down, and even have a somewhat effective disciplinary session that night was actually pretty impressive for us. In addition, despite everything, when I needed more severity between Obsidian prompting me and me being able to communicate it, Obsidian was able to deliver, and it went ok. At one point, I was crying on the bed, with multiple "I'm sorry"s, and Obsidian was feeling bad for me, I was able to communicate to her that I thought that this was ok, and that more spanking would probably help...and Obsidian did spank me more, and it did help.
This situation could have easily turned into an all night or even multi-day battle royal (at *many* different points), and it didn't. So, all in all, I think that this could easily be put in the category of a success rather than a failure.
I also need to remember that the flashbacks are nothing new. We have been dealing with each other's flashbacks and triggers through our whole lives together. Today is the 15th Anniversary of our first commitment ceremony, btw. Heck, the first couple of years, we had no real idea of what was going on. We *have* gone through therapy, 12 step groups, pastoral type counseling, etc., etc....some helpful, some quite unhelpful, and some even quite harmful....but through all of it, we actually *do* know how to handle each others flashbacks/triggers. If only one of us is triggered, and doesn't manage to set of the other one's triggers, it generally is ok, because when she is ok, Obsidian knows how to handle my triggers, and when I am ok, I know how to handle hers. The main problem is when we are both triggered at once...but we are working on strategies to deal with that, too.
As to my "refusing" discipline, in looking at that, it can certainly be reframed as well. I really don't "refuse" just because I don't want discipline...I think that I get WAY too guilty for that. Most of the times that this has happened, looking later, we both have agreed that it was probably the best thing that I could have done. Most of the times, I do get a severe punishment later...because, if it has gotten to that point, well, I have already behaved atrociously...otherwise, Obsidian would not have even had the idea of punishing me. A few times, I haven't, because of circumstances that would make it seem *really* unfair (but that is rare).
While I may not be able to see these things at the moment...looking back rationally *does* help in regaining confidence and trust afterwards. Thank you, Jigsaw.
And, btw...in the days since, my mind has been MUCH more focused on the discipline than the flashback, especially while sitting
Obsidian can be *quite* thorough when she choses to be