missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

In a perfect world, discipline would cure all ills. But in the real world, not so much. How do we deal with those diagnoses that spanking just can't make go away. (You know, depression, ADD, DID/MPD. The thing a therapist would put on your medical record to convince the insurance company that they have to pay up, if you had a therapist and health insurance.)

missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby muchinspired » Sun Sep 02, 2012 12:51 pm

how can i possibly deal with missing her for another four months until christmas? our plan is for either her to visit me or for me to visit her (which would be preferred, so we could stay at her house; cook by ourselves, and have our own personal christmas), then for me to visit her over her reading week (related to school) and for valentine's day. from there, i'm going to canada to look for a job in early july. i'll have over ten thousand saved at that point, so as a visitor in canada i'll legally be able to stay for six months /if/ they grant me permission to do so. during those six months i'll try to find a job and get my work visa to stay for a couple of years, if not a few. if i can't get my work visa, then i'll apply for a school (probably algonquin, which i'm thinking of doing this winter or spring anyway to get into their winter program.)

... i just can't be without her. i miss every single part of her and i miss being able to lean on her and have her there and her breath on the back of my neck and spooning with her and her petting my hair and us going shopping for groceries and relaxing in bed and i miss her spankings and i miss ottawa and mosaika and the beautiful flowers and buildings and all of the stores and variety and the gay friendly neighborhood.

and here it's toxic and i'm a grown up in a little town. i have a job and i go to school and as soon as i got in the car from the airport my mother told me to 'hurry the fuck up' because she 'wanted to go home'. prior to this she told me she just wanted me home to clean the house.

... r and i have rules about screaming and being mean. and we do all chores equally. here there are no rules other than deal with it and try not to cry more than three times a day.
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

Matthew, Cabin Fever

http://rolfandranger.blogspot.com/
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby muchinspired » Sun Sep 02, 2012 1:03 pm

3: and i forgot my captain america shirt and b-bottle at her house.
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

Matthew, Cabin Fever

http://rolfandranger.blogspot.com/
muchinspired
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby splorange » Sun Sep 02, 2012 4:02 pm

I'm sure R can post those to you.

I don't know what to say. It must be horrible, being away from her. I'm in the same situation myself right now (just arrived at my new school in hungary and talking to my love on skype, trying not to cry and failing miserably). It's lonely and sad and awful and all you want to do is go to bed for the rest of your life, if you can't be with them.

It sounds like you've been really proactive in making your plans. Definitely organise the visits you mentioned and try to get there to stay for good as soon as possible. Having something to look forward to will help. And remember, you're just home - it's going to be more acute when the memory of her is so fresh. You'll get back into a routine with college and your cool job and it'll be easier.

I think if you can think of ways to limit the time you have to spend with your mother, it would help. If she only hurts you then you need to be away from her some more. Incredibly difficult I know. Are there friends you could stay with sometimes, also as somewhere to go during the day? If you can think of time you spend with her as finite, it might be easier to take.

And remember, despite all these hard and sad things, you're very lucky, because you have R. So many people never find real love and here you are at 18! All of this is just a blip on the road, sweetie. One day you'll be together all the time and it'll all have been worthwhile xxx
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby Nat » Sun Sep 02, 2012 9:10 pm

I've never been in that situation, so I won't pretend to know how you feel. I can only imagine how hard it must be. But for what it's worth, I think splorange made a great point - when we have someone that special in our life, more than anything else we should feel lucky. So I guess my advice would be to miss R, and cry when you need to, but don't be sad - be as happy as you can be, every day. Maybe it will help you through the rough spots with your mom, and keep you going until Christmas.

And remember that you're not alone. You have friends here. More importantly, you can be sure that R is missing you as much as you miss her, maybe even more so. Liz says tops feel a sense of responsibility for us, so when they can't be there they worry about us.
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby jessewj » Mon Sep 03, 2012 12:16 am

We're coming up with some plans, some different options that will hopefully work out for us.
Obviously I don't want to be away from her either. Like Liz, yes, I worry about her when I'm not there with her.
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby blackbird » Mon Sep 03, 2012 8:15 am

I so empathise B and R. I have a father like your mother, B.

The mind-blowing thing for me, though it might not make sense to anyone else, is that T is only 15 minutes down the road but his decisions to be on his own are vast. Distance is so elastic. It can feel as far as Outer Mongolia, or be nothing at all. It all depends on the experience between two people, not the miles.

I hope it might be a comfort to know that I find separation is wholly in the mind. Thus spake the agoraphobic...

Blackbird
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby Eayore » Tue Sep 04, 2012 3:49 pm

I feel for you, muchinspired. That sounds tough.
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby LadyShriver1 » Thu Sep 06, 2012 5:07 pm

I feel for you too. Hang in there.

I've been in a long term long distance relationship andit was really hard. The only advice I can give, is to let yourself do fun things even when you're separate. For a while I found myself living only in those moments I was with my partner, and the rest of the time was just kind of filler. I had to find a way to make that "filler" time meaningful to me too, and finally got to look at it as a break in which I could be selfish with my time and my plans, since I didn't have someone else to coordinate them with. It was still hard, but it made it bearable.

I would also agree with everyone else that you need to limit your time with "toxic" people, even relatives :)
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby muchinspired » Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:16 pm

For a while I found myself living only in those moments I was with my partner, and the rest of the time was just kind of filler.


i can't explain how accurate this is.

thank you so much, everyone. i can't tell you all how much you mean to me. i'm trying and r's trying. we just can't wait until christmas.
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

Matthew, Cabin Fever

http://rolfandranger.blogspot.com/
muchinspired
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Re: missing her, hard hitting depression and anxiety

Postby splorange » Fri Sep 07, 2012 3:29 pm

It's going to be okay! XXX
'I had made the mistake of powering up my consciousness without having the appropriate scaffolding in place'

Marni Jackson, 'Pain'
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