Thoughts on suicide and self harm. (Not bad, I promise!)

In a perfect world, discipline would cure all ills. But in the real world, not so much. How do we deal with those diagnoses that spanking just can't make go away. (You know, depression, ADD, DID/MPD. The thing a therapist would put on your medical record to convince the insurance company that they have to pay up, if you had a therapist and health insurance.)

Thoughts on suicide and self harm. (Not bad, I promise!)

Postby muchinspired » Fri Nov 30, 2012 2:35 am

Since I've been taking the Zoloft, I can't explain how much better I've been doing. Tonight I watched parts of a movie called 'Suicide Room'. I completely thought it would be just as the title implied, and about a young gay male trying to come out and dealing with bullying. Something cliche like that, something that's been done a thousand times. It's actually so interesting that it kept my attention the entire time, and it had an amazing twist. It portrayed the seduction of suicide, how teens are easily lured, how dramatic and dark and beautiful death can be portrayed. And then the reality of it all. I'm not saying that I ever thought death was romantic. I'm terrified of it, and only at the lowest points in my life did I think that suicide was a way out that could end everything and make all of the pain stop. That's what it was for me.

I'm not suicidal. Not anymore. And I hate saying that I ever was. But you have to acknowledge things to rise above them, and it's still a somewhat daily struggle.

I'm not sure if the want to harm myself will ever go away-- and in my mind I'm still working out the kinks of discipline (no pun intended), and what it does for me. R isn't like my parents or my relatives, and would never, ever harm me in any way. She would never abuse me-- but I think because of my last post, I had her worried about the feelings I would get during spankings. I'm not entirely sure about physical punishment right now. It feels like it's entwined with self harm and even BDSM at times. I'm not sure why, but I think it reminds me of hurting myself because of the intense feeling of relief at the end. Or what I think is an intense feeling of relief.

Really, when you hurt yourself, and you've cried so hard you want to curl up and sleep, and you hurt so badly, physically, that you want to sleep forever, you've just hit the lowest possible part of the darkest part of yourself that you can.

And I think that after punishments, it's a feeling of relief not because you're so out of it that you can only feel physical pain, but because you know that you aren't going to want to kill yourself because of it. Because somehow that spanking made you a better person. Maybe you stole a candy bar and your Top righted you, maybe you haven't been doing the dishes and instead of living in filth, your Top teaches you that in order to be healthy, you have to live in a healthy environment. And that because you're an adult, you have the duty to take care of your environment. :typing:

R and I will not ever do any form of blood play. Even if I feel like I want to. Or she feels like she wants to. I don't think in our bdsm life any blood will be drawn. R would make sure of that. Blood is a serious trigger for me, but even in this movie, when I saw scars, or a girl cutting her arm in the beginning, the trigger was more dull than usual. Immediately, I saw the selfishness in the act, the wrongess of it.

I can't explain to you all how much my want to live has drastically improved. I want to make people happy, I'm not cynical anymore. I want to do everything possible to be the best person that I can be. I want to own a farm with R and go outside into my garden and build five more, and a vegetable patch. I don't see the bad in people. When a person is rude to me, I wonder, 'are they having a bad day?' It's... it's so different for me, thinking like this. And I honestly don't think I ever have been.

I want to thank all of you, for being a great online community that doesn't foster anything negative. I want to thank my close friends on here who've always tried to help, and who always check up on me. :lovey: I want to thank R for loving me and dealing with me and understanding me. And I want to thank myself. Because I know how hard it was to get through those years between the ages of eight and eighteen, depression wise. And I know how hard my childhood was too. And I am so thankful that I never decided to take my own life.

I almost wanted to thank myself for being a coward, right there. But it takes a strong person to crawl out of a dark hole that they were almost buried alive in.

I love you all. <3

- B
"Tuna belongs in the sea. I was just helping it be free.”

Matthew, Cabin Fever

http://rolfandranger.blogspot.com/
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Re: Thoughts on suicide and self harm. (Not bad, I promise!)

Postby JigsawAnalogy » Fri Nov 30, 2012 6:06 pm

Oh, I am SO glad you found something that helps!!!!!

I've got a lot of thoughts on how self-harm and spanking are actually different for me, but for now I'll just focus on how happy I am that you're not having the overwhelming, suffocating pain of depression right now.
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Re: Thoughts on suicide and self harm. (Not bad, I promise!)

Postby Eayore » Fri Nov 30, 2012 7:59 pm

It's really heartening to read this muchinspired. Thanks for sharing that.
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Re: Thoughts on suicide and self harm. (Not bad, I promise!)

Postby wicked nurse » Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:28 pm

muchinspired wrote:Since I've been taking the Zoloft, I can't explain how much better I've been doing. Tonight I watched parts of a movie called 'Suicide Room'. I completely thought it would be just as the title implied, and about a young gay male trying to come out and dealing with bullying. Something cliche like that, something that's been done a thousand times. It's actually so interesting that it kept my attention the entire time, and it had an amazing twist. It portrayed the seduction of suicide, how teens are easily lured, how dramatic and dark and beautiful death can be portrayed. And then the reality of it all. I'm not saying that I ever thought death was romantic. I'm terrified of it, and only at the lowest points in my life did I think that suicide was a way out that could end everything and make all of the pain stop. That's what it was for me.

I'm not suicidal. Not anymore. And I hate saying that I ever was. But you have to acknowledge things to rise above them, and it's still a somewhat daily struggle.

I'm not sure if the want to harm myself will ever go away-- and in my mind I'm still working out the kinks of discipline (no pun intended), and what it does for me. R isn't like my parents or my relatives, and would never, ever harm me in any way. She would never abuse me-- but I think because of my last post, I had her worried about the feelings I would get during spankings. I'm not entirely sure about physical punishment right now. It feels like it's entwined with self harm and even BDSM at times. I'm not sure why, but I think it reminds me of hurting myself because of the intense feeling of relief at the end. Or what I think is an intense feeling of relief.

Really, when you hurt yourself, and you've cried so hard you want to curl up and sleep, and you hurt so badly, physically, that you want to sleep forever, you've just hit the lowest possible part of the darkest part of yourself that you can.

And I think that after punishments, it's a feeling of relief not because you're so out of it that you can only feel physical pain, but because you know that you aren't going to want to kill yourself because of it. Because somehow that spanking made you a better person. Maybe you stole a candy bar and your Top righted you, maybe you haven't been doing the dishes and instead of living in filth, your Top teaches you that in order to be healthy, you have to live in a healthy environment. And that because you're an adult, you have the duty to take care of your environment. :typing:

R and I will not ever do any form of blood play. Even if I feel like I want to. Or she feels like she wants to. I don't think in our bdsm life any blood will be drawn. R would make sure of that. Blood is a serious trigger for me, but even in this movie, when I saw scars, or a girl cutting her arm in the beginning, the trigger was more dull than usual. Immediately, I saw the selfishness in the act, the wrongess of it.

I can't explain to you all how much my want to live has drastically improved. I want to make people happy, I'm not cynical anymore. I want to do everything possible to be the best person that I can be. I want to own a farm with R and go outside into my garden and build five more, and a vegetable patch. I don't see the bad in people. When a person is rude to me, I wonder, 'are they having a bad day?' It's... it's so different for me, thinking like this. And I honestly don't think I ever have been.

I want to thank all of you, for being a great online community that doesn't foster anything negative. I want to thank my close friends on here who've always tried to help, and who always check up on me. :lovey: I want to thank R for loving me and dealing with me and understanding me. And I want to thank myself. Because I know how hard it was to get through those years between the ages of eight and eighteen, depression wise. And I know how hard my childhood was too. And I am so thankful that I never decided to take my own life.

I almost wanted to thank myself for being a coward, right there. But it takes a strong person to crawl out of a dark hole that they were almost buried alive in.

I love you all. <3

- B


Hi, I'm new but I wanted you to know that you have positive thoughts coming your way! Overcoming the urge to self harm is indeed difficult, and I appreciate your insights.

Sometimes SSRIs are accompanied by a huge upswing in mood followed by a crash into a very dark place, and I just wanted to let you know that if ever you were to give in and harm yourself in some way that is in no way a failure, and in no way should you wish to punish yourself further for it. Neither is thinking about it any form of failure, merely acknowledgement of the real challenges that you face. There is a lot of evidence that the simple, wholesome living you wish to share with your R will do you as much good as any available medication, but you must determine that for yourself with the help of mental health professionals that you trust.

The holidays and the time after can be very trying, I hope you continue to do as well as you felt in your post! But if not, remember that there are plenty of good times to come and lots of people who care!

Sam
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