I'm not suicidal. Not anymore. And I hate saying that I ever was. But you have to acknowledge things to rise above them, and it's still a somewhat daily struggle.
I'm not sure if the want to harm myself will ever go away-- and in my mind I'm still working out the kinks of discipline (no pun intended), and what it does for me. R isn't like my parents or my relatives, and would never, ever harm me in any way. She would never abuse me-- but I think because of my last post, I had her worried about the feelings I would get during spankings. I'm not entirely sure about physical punishment right now. It feels like it's entwined with self harm and even BDSM at times. I'm not sure why, but I think it reminds me of hurting myself because of the intense feeling of relief at the end. Or what I think is an intense feeling of relief.
Really, when you hurt yourself, and you've cried so hard you want to curl up and sleep, and you hurt so badly, physically, that you want to sleep forever, you've just hit the lowest possible part of the darkest part of yourself that you can.
And I think that after punishments, it's a feeling of relief not because you're so out of it that you can only feel physical pain, but because you know that you aren't going to want to kill yourself because of it. Because somehow that spanking made you a better person. Maybe you stole a candy bar and your Top righted you, maybe you haven't been doing the dishes and instead of living in filth, your Top teaches you that in order to be healthy, you have to live in a healthy environment. And that because you're an adult, you have the duty to take care of your environment.
R and I will not ever do any form of blood play. Even if I feel like I want to. Or she feels like she wants to. I don't think in our bdsm life any blood will be drawn. R would make sure of that. Blood is a serious trigger for me, but even in this movie, when I saw scars, or a girl cutting her arm in the beginning, the trigger was more dull than usual. Immediately, I saw the selfishness in the act, the wrongess of it.
I can't explain to you all how much my want to live has drastically improved. I want to make people happy, I'm not cynical anymore. I want to do everything possible to be the best person that I can be. I want to own a farm with R and go outside into my garden and build five more, and a vegetable patch. I don't see the bad in people. When a person is rude to me, I wonder, 'are they having a bad day?' It's... it's so different for me, thinking like this. And I honestly don't think I ever have been.
I want to thank all of you, for being a great online community that doesn't foster anything negative. I want to thank my close friends on here who've always tried to help, and who always check up on me.
I want to thank R for loving me and dealing with me and understanding me. And I want to thank myself. Because I know how hard it was to get through those years between the ages of eight and eighteen, depression wise. And I know how hard my childhood was too. And I am so thankful that I never decided to take my own life.I almost wanted to thank myself for being a coward, right there. But it takes a strong person to crawl out of a dark hole that they were almost buried alive in.
I love you all. <3
- B
