Bipolar

[Disobedient Girl]

Some reference to my mental health diagnosis slipping out in reply to HaL's thread prompts me to make good on an earlier promise to write here how me being bipolar impacts on me and Dadi and ttwd and generally everything. First note, I say I am bipolar, in spite of being aware of the arguments that it is PC to say I have bipolar, rather than I am bipolar, because no one would say I am cancer etc. I have considered this argument but, baldly, am too proud of bipolar to relinquish the label. I have heard it called the Cadillac of Mental Illness and (with apologies and serious respect for the other diagnoses, and those whose bipolar is oppressive) I love that.

I knew there was something different with me very early on - I can remember episodes from as young as six or seven and probably my only real and enduring regret around the issue is that I was very hard for my parents to cope with. I didn't get properly diagnosed until I was in my mid twenties, and again this is a lucky thing because the treatments, especially then, for children and teenagers are something I'm glad to have missed out on.

I was too 'alternative' to listen to any psychiatric authorities who tried to help me and tended to see the whole hospital thing as something to escape from. I am lucky in that proportional to how crazy I can get the major episodes are few and far between. Because I moved around a lot I rarely had to face what my delusional behaviour had been liked and tended to think people exaggerated the problem.

I hadn't had a serious episode for 14 years till the last one about 6 years ago, so it kind of crept up on me. I more or less thought I was too calm and settled for that sort of thing any more. (Laughs). Had been going out with L. for about a year when some close friends and neighbours managed to get me admitted to hospital (this usually involves a balance of persuasion and force - a kindly balance this time, with a police car standing by but handcuffs not deployed!).

[Disobedient Girl]

(some more - the box you write in was playing up a bit and worried i case it disappeared i thought i'd submit and start again)

L. lived 100 miles away then but came to see me as soon as she was able and now I tend to think that our relationship as it is now started that day when I, in my ill-fitting trousers and clutching my carrier bag of precious things in a mental hospital way, saw her walking down the corridor towards me, smiling broadly and shaking her head. She said 'I don't mind you being mad but you must try not to look it, too.'

No one before her ever, not friends or family and certainly not lovers was ever able to cope with me when I'd be crazy. It was always, 'slow down', and 'why are you being like this?' Amazingly she didn't see me as 'not being myself', but as my lovely self, just in the throes of strange delusion!

She became an expert in the condition, I learnt more than I ever had before because I didn't 'move on' but stayed around to come down enough to hear what the proffessionals were telling me. And now I accept the esteem blind lows that come with the down swings and savour the energy of the mania, but strictly only ever to a safe extent. And I relax knowing that Dadi is always on top of it, take notice (I hope. I try anyway) if she says I have pressure of speech, prolonged sleeplessness, falling away in appetite, etc, etc. (And if I get really manic I'm not allowed sex because she thinks its exploitative. If you know anything about bipolar and hyper sexuality you will appreciate that this is some incentive.)

So that's me. I have had a lot of shame over this issue, it has exacerbated my sense of not being like any one else and has got me in a lot of trouble, but overall I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hope this hasn't been too tedious to wade through. I thought it best, rather than drip feed information in my day to day posts, to avail of the mental health section which JA has so helpfully provided .

[Homeatlast]

DG, thanks for sharing this. IReally interesting and touching.

think one of the truly great things about this forum is the honesty that people bring and the willingness to share the ups and downs of life in all their beauty and madness!

thanks again

[G.D.]

It may have got you in to trouble indeed - but I'll keep you safe now.

What an honest & brave posting .......

Good Girl.

[Sara'sGirl(SG)]

Thanks so much for posting this DG. I have a couple family members who have suffered from bipolar, and I found your post to be a really refreshing view.

Dadi's response to you in the hospital warmed me. The love and acceptance and ability to joke through the hard stuff is wonderful.

I love you guys.

No seriously, I love this place. And DG and GD, I'm so glad you've come to join it.

[Disobedient Girl]

Cheers!

[G.D.]

Gosh.

I have been spending (probably far too much) time reading through a lot of current & past posts. It seems to me that both Girl & I are lucky ....... because .......

I have no angst regarding why we do what we do - a level of curiousity perhaps but whilst we are both happy & fulfilled, I am not sure it matters that much why .......

I do not worry about bruises etc.... at first it was indeed a little shocking, but now I can be rather proud of significant marking. Having said that, when (on the odd occasion) Girl gets hurt (in a bad way - careless wrap around or a misplaced stroke for example) I do indeed get upset & then need comforting by Girl.

I will never get bored of this & will punish Girl for the same rule break over & over & over & over again. But if she turned around tomorrow & said she did not want to do this anymore, then I would be content to live the rest of our undisciplined lives together too.

[Homeatlast]

GD yes you are indeed very lucky!

To get to the point were there was no angst about this stuff and to have a Top who didn't worry and that discipline came naturally to - well that would be a bit like a lottery win!

[JigsawAnalogy]

[Eayore]

Wonderful posts, Dadi's girl. Thanks so much for telling us about this.

I love what JA said about PC as well.