Will it ever get better?

[Homeatlast]

OK so I am posting here again realising that the majority of recent posts in this section are mine! Maybe Nic is right, I am gobby!

So something just happened while I was chatting on line which has made me realise how little my self esteem has improved despite years of therapy and medication and making changes and getting feedback which is contrary to my negatve beliefs about myself.

The details are not important or relevant. The issue is the feeling of not feeling worthy of people's time, not being interesting or intelligent or relevant or trendy or any other number of things that I assume people want in their friends and I am not.

It's the SAME feeling as being 11 years old and singled out in the playground as worthy of bullying but not being worthy to be part of the group. I am still carrying shit round, what 29 years later. I thought i was passed it but here I am in a new group making new friends and I can't just accept it for what it is.

It feels pathetic to feel like that about myself at this stage in my life. I thought I should be able to accept that someone might like me or not care if they don't! Instead I sit here with that same sick feeling as then.

What a mess. Just what I need on top of everything else.

Sorry this is not ttwd related and a lot of my posts are not right now. Maybe I need to go find a mental health forum and leave you guys in peace!

Ok I'll go now and try to ease of the posting and give you all a break from my whinging.

Please do not respond to this by being nice. I won't believe it anyway (that's about me not you) and I'll just feel more pathetic and needy if you do.

Just wanted to share the frustration of wanting so much to move on but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

[Sara'sGirl(SG)]

Fuck nice, if you bail on this forum, I'ma kick your ass.

I get it, feeling sick about the same stupid shit, and being like, wtf I thought I was PAST this???

I'm not being nice, just agreeing it sucks.

And telling you, nice or not, pushy or not, that I like you posting here, you make me feel free to be honest too, and I hope you don't stop (see my first line).

[JigsawAnalogy]

[Homeatlast]

You two practicing to be Tops or what?

I'm trying.

Did I mention that I hate you?