Getting the "Crazy" Ball Rolling...

[Rose]

"So why don't you join a support group?" my most recent therapist asked me.

"Because those people have their own Crazy to deal with. They don't need mine too."

"Well, that's in keeping with your personality," he said, with an ironic smile.

My claim was both true and false. I've always been very uncomfortable with needing people, and especially trusting people. Sitting with a group of people who I neither know nor have any real reason to trust just doesn't work for me. So why am I so eager to toss my big ball of Crazy out to an online forum of people who I don't really know? I don't know. Maybe I'm a hypocrite (hey, it happens). Maybe it is because I've developed at least a tiny sense of familiarity with the few people who have currently signed up on this forum, because I've been reading The Punishment Book for a couple of years. So, since I've been privy to your thoughts, I guess it is only fair that I offer you my own "Crazy" in return.

(Deep breath... gathering my courage...)

I was diagnosed with depression almost 9 years ago, after I landed myself in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. I had attempted suicide by overdosing on muscle relaxers.

(Peeking out from between my fingers... have I scared you away yet?)

I'm not sure what caused my depression, but I've been on and off medication for it, and been through numerous therapists since then. I am currently on medication, but without a therapist. There is something about therapy that I just hate. I fight it for some reason. I don't really know why. But I've been doing very well on medication, so fortunately it hasn't really been an issue.

Anyhow, my depression could have been caused by any number of things. It could be purely organic. There is a history of depression and other psychiatric problems in my family. More likely, it could have been caused by the multiple kinds of abuse I endured throughout my childhood and adolescence. But I see that there is a section for that here as well, so I won't go into the specifics of that now.

I guess the point of me telling you all of this is to say that I struggle with how much, if at all, my depression is connected to my spanking life. I'm a life-long spanko, but if my depression is organic, then the two could still be connected. Sometimes I worry that I'm asking too much of my husband. It isn't fair to him to be put into a situation where he is basically reparenting me after all of the abuse I've been through. He is my husband, and should only be responsible for being a husband to me. On the other hand, he has had an undeniable positive influence on me. He is the first man whom I've been able to trust since... well, as long as I can remember.

I'm sure there will be many opportunities for me to go into the more specific details of My Crazy, but I figured I ought to put this out there to get the ball rolling...

[JigsawAnalogy]

[Rose]

I keep trying to keep in mind that in some ways, I'm reparenting him too. My husband was often told growing up that he was not a good person, and so that has stayed with him. One of the reasons that I play a submissive role in our relationship is that I want to prove to him that he is a good man. What better way than by putting myself into his hands in this way and showing him that he is completely trustworthy?

This too has caused some bumps in the road for us. My hubby, while a genuine spanko, is sometimes a reluctant top as well. It is one thing, when you're single, to think that you want a domestic discipline relationship. There's certainly nothing wrong with wanting that. But once you've found someone who you love, all of these complications arise. I know my husband worries about when and how he should punish me. He doesn't want to hurt me, and he doesn't want to diminish my already unhealthy self-esteem in any way. It's a tricky thing.

At the same time, I don't want to put an unreasonable amount of responsibility on him. Given my poor self-esteem, I generally don't believe that I deserve him or anything he does for me, so I know that I do not have the ability to discern what actually is and is not acceptable to expect from him. So I tend to err on the side of caution and assume I'm asking too much. This is something that we've been talking about for quite some time. We've been making progress, but it is far more complex than I'd ever imagined.

I can't imagine the complications that must arise for you and W. I don't know much about DID... I've only seen it depicted on television shows, and something tells me that those depictions tend to be overdramatized. I know that it tends to be triggered as a response to abuse... does one ever recover from it though? Is it possible for a person with DID to become a fully integrated personality? (Please forgive my ignorant questions... I literally know almost nothing about it.)

[JigsawAnalogy]

[Rose]